When I was 9 years old (1977) I found a porn magazine of my dad's that had a transsexual as its centerfold. When I saw it, I immediately felt light headed and a desire I had never known I could feel. I liked women, and had lots of relationships with cheerleaders, beauty queens, prom queens and various other beautiful women. But I always knew I loved, unconditionally, transsexual women. I went to college and law school in the most conservative and repressive part of the country, during the Reagan years no less. I studied more about where to find ts girls than my coursework, and decided to take a job in NYC in 1993. I was married and moved to NYC with my wife. But, I managed to have trips "out of town" where I would spend days in a hotel near Edelweiss, Sally's Hideaway and Lucky Cheng's. I never felt more comfortable than surrounded by beautiful trans women; it was intoxicating. My greatest regret in life is that I never had the courage to pursue a public relationship with any of the awesome women I met during those years. It makes me sad and sick.
I am now 50, and still full of regret. The number of ts girls has exploded and acceptance of all types of gender identities has become commonplace. I feel jealous, angry and self-pity. I fucked-up and will probably never have the relationship I dreamed of when I was 9yo.
I don't really know why I wrote this, other than to get it off my chest. Thank you.