The catch 22 that is online dating for TS women.

[SXFX]

So I'm reading all these posts about guys asking where and how they can meet and date TS women.
Which if you ask me is actually very noble since from what i gather most guys are just looking for a hookup.....
First a little about me. I've dated four TS women in my life.
Two while i was in various points of my university career and two after i graduated.
The two women i met while i was at university was though just bumping into them on campus at LGBT events where i was supporting my gay friends and flirting with the fruit flies.
the other two were off of OkCupid. So for a lack of a better word...i got lucky. Will i ever get this lucky again....i don't know.

So that's me. But how about your average guy.....say he's like me...works 12 hours a day and just doesn't have the time to be at the right bar/cafe at the right time. Or he has no gay friends thus no reason to be at LGBT events. What does he do...he goes online. And here in lies the problem....he's "Hunting" which automatically gets him labeled as a "Tranny Chaser" and not to mention that online dating is like dating on the wrong side of the tracks between two trailer parks!

As for the ladies....they are just looking for a decent guy because well...isn't that what every girl wants...a decent guy?
So what is she to do? She goes out...she may get lucky...she may find a guy who accepts her right off the bat for who she is...which is awesome and the way the world should be....but let's be honest...how many guys are like that. If she goes off to a party...she will be mistaken for a party / working girl and well that brings out the wrong type of guy...so then she goes online....with the preconceived notion that all the guys that are online dating on the TS dating web pages are......chasers and should not be trusted.

So there we have it. Both sides want the same thing but there appears no way other than luck and happenstance to cross that bridge.
thus what are we to do?

[SashaLondon]

I think you've pretty much "hit the nail on the head"

I don't have many trans friends, I never have done. Of the few I do have, 1 may be an escort, but its not something that comes up in conversation because quite frankly I don't feel like it has anything to do with me.

Now I've been to 2 different trans "club nights" where I live in London, one held in a bar and the other a nightclub (they are not seedy sex clubs). I don't quite like the experience of them for a few reasons:

1) The girls or "girls" act too crazy, vain and generally OTT
2) The majority of them are working girls,...
3) Therefore there is blatent rivalry with one another, with each girl attempting to show off.
4) The guys stand around the edge whilst the girls dance in the middle of the room, making it feel like a meat market!

I have met a few guys out & about, but it can sometimes get very awkward for myself or for him concerning the fact I'm T (because I don't know how to say it, or he doesn't know how to take it). Its as if the only guy who could be entirely accepting of it, MAY be a guy who goes to one of the nights I mentioned. But I don't want a guy like that, because more cases than not he's at least tried to get with, and at most paid to fuck, a lot of the trans girls through the place where I could meet him :-/

And then online, well. I have profiles here, there and everything - some of them fakes. But the ones that are mine I do get a lot of messages through (birchplace, pof, instagram, tinder etc). The positive about BP is, like the club nights, I don't need to explain the T and be worried of a guys reaction and whether he's going to attack me, or worse.

...That leaves me with POF, IG, Tinder - where I don't openly state I'm transgender. If I really like a guy, and he wants to meet for an initial drink, then I will exchange numbers with him. But as soon as I tell him my T, he just wants to fuck me - e.g. I was speaking to one particular guy for about 3-4 weeks on POF, he seemed really nice and respectful as his mother "raised a gentleman". We exchanged numbers and we were speaking on Whatsapp. One day he randomly rang me from his work phone, we chatted for a bit, he was telling me how attractive he thought I was, that he really wanted to take me out to a nice restaurant yada yada. I said I would like to meet him too but I couldn't arrange it there and then on the phone. 10 mins later on whatsapp I told him I'm transgender and he rang me to say "i didn't know you were a tranny, when can I come over to fuck you".

Because of this I doubt I will ever meet a man who would give me what I want out of a relationship. Not only that, but due to my need for surgery its a possibility that I will give up on that and start escorting myself.

Its a strange world.

[Gillian]

At least you're in London, Sasha, where there's a bigger community to support one another. Out in the sticks, the issues you refer to are even more evident.

Things are moving in the right direction, albeit at tectonic plate speed ... :D

[Catalyst]

So I'm reading all these posts about guys asking where and how they can meet and date TS women.
Which if you ask me is actually very noble since from what i gather most guys are just looking for a hookup.....
First a little about me. I've dated four TS women in my life.
Two while i was in various points of my university career and two after i graduated.
The two women i met while i was at university was though just bumping into them on campus at LGBT events where i was supporting my gay friends and flirting with the fruit flies.
the other two were off of OkCupid. So for a lack of a better word...i got lucky. Will i ever get this lucky again....i don't know.

So that's me. But how about your average guy.....say he's like me...works 12 hours a day and just doesn't have the time to be at the right bar/cafe at the right time. Or he has no gay friends thus no reason to be at LGBT events. What does he do...he goes online. And here in lies the problem....he's "Hunting" which automatically gets him labeled as a "Tranny Chaser" and not to mention that online dating is like dating on the wrong side of the tracks between two trailer parks!

As for the ladies....they are just looking for a decent guy because well...isn't that what every girl wants...a decent guy?
So what is she to do? She goes out...she may get lucky...she may find a guy who accepts her right off the bat for who she is...which is awesome and the way the world should be....but let's be honest...how many guys are like that. If she goes off to a party...she will be mistaken for a party / working girl and well that brings out the wrong type of guy...so then she goes online....with the preconceived notion that all the guys that are online dating on the TS dating web pages are......chasers and should not be trusted.

So there we have it. Both sides want the same thing but there appears no way other than luck and happenstance to cross that bridge.
thus what are we to do?

I think you summed that up rather well. Im starting to think relationships/love and all that just boil down to luck.
Perhaps im a bit jaded idk... Other than a few brief flings in highschool that didnt really go anywhere ive just had one girlfriend in my life. We were together for years and it was just random chance that she also happene to be transgendered.

When we met I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world, now its pretty much the opposite. There is all that talk out there about when a relationship ends you have to pick yourself up and move on. Well im finding that trying to find someone is like trying to deal with a brick wall. I live and work in the middle of nowhere and im not naturally very sociable so my best odds are online. I swear I meet countless potential friends or potential partners online. Some I contact and some contact me. 100% of them seem to just want one night stands or they completely flake. Trying to find a soulmate is like a full time job.
Sure there are many factors involved and we all want to and deserve to find the person we will be happy with but a large amount of it is the perception that you mentioned. Im not searching for a transgendered partner specifically im searching for a soulmate that I connect with but when your search expands into places like this forum suddenly you become a chaser. Seen it a lot havent really been there yet myself... My thought is fuck labels. If a person puts a label on you before they even know the first thing about you thats a bit of a red flag anyway and yes it works both ways...
If I were to meet the right one it wouldnt matter to me if they are female male a little of both or purple with horns and three tits, its whats in the heart that counts.
I think the problem is that so many people have put up walls to keep others from getting close. Perhaps they have been hurt or they fear getting hurt or like me they just feel like there are no real people left in the world, a world of appearance and no substance.
Then... There are dating sites lol. Good idea, great even... But they all come across as such meat markets. Lets just break people down into a simple formula of likes and dislikes give it a pretty picture and put it on display.
Thats why I like forums... You can just be yourself and get to know people. Odds of meeting someone ? Not great I guess but odds of really connecting are much better.
I cant say for sure but from all the hours and all the months ive spent trying to figure this out it seems like there is a massive amount of people out there in the same boat as myself. If that boat is a heart its slowly sinking in a sea of people while searching for their other half. Perpetually alone in a crowd.

[Catalyst]

Wait... Was that a question :p



So there we have it. Both sides want the same thing but there appears no way other than luck and happenstance to cross that bridge.
thus what are we to do?

So lets say most people want to love and be loved. (Putting the sexual aspect of it aside for this coversation)
Why is it so complicated for some and others do seem to just be "lucky"
My first thought is it all comes down to things like looks, power, and money. The superficial things that attract us but its not even that. There are plenty of happy couples out there that have none of the above.
I like to think its more like finding a partner in crime. Someone that doesnt have to be perfect but they are perfect for you. A best friend you can get into trouble with :p

Im sure it exists ive experienced it... So why is it so elusive ?
My thought is that there is a "disconnect" between people. Im guessing it has to do with technology. Our lives are reduced down to words on a screen a post, a text on a phone. Do we feel anymore ? Im not sure if im making sense but before there was all this technology people went out and met other people they relied on and lived for real human bonds. Now human bonds are through a screen more often than not like a light switch you can turn off and on without feeling invested. It lasts so long as the text keeps a persons attention then they move on to the next interesting thing.

So what are we to do ? Lead the pack perhaps... Invest in human connections, break down the walls one brick at a time and encourage others to do the same.
Perhaps... Idk. Thats just my guess and my approach. Then again im mad as a hatter :p

[Gillian]

Thats why I like forums... You can just be yourself and get to know people.
Erm ... people always tell the truth on forums? Well I know what you mean ... :D

[Catalyst]

Haha good point. I tend to take people at face value and accept they are who they claim to be (with a pinch of cyber salt mind you) sometimes I forget that people I may speak with on a regular basis and consider friends may actually be something other than what they appear to be.

You know... One more point that came to mind while I was out rounding up the horse (hes an escape artist)
Sort of supporting my earlier reply about electronic connections.
I know a hand full of people that are completely tech illiterate.
They dont know how to use a computer dont use facebook dont own cell phones and dont really care either way.
What I have observed is they all seem to have life and relationships worked out rather well. They dont go home after work and check emails or text. They go out and meet people. Not because they are looking for a relationship but because its all they know and they are almost never single... Many are now happily married.
Just something to consider.

[SashaLondon]

Haha good point. I tend to take people at face value and accept they are who they claim to be (with a pinch of cyber salt mind you) sometimes I forget that people I may speak with on a regular basis and consider friends may actually be something other than what they appear to be.

You know... One more point that came to mind while I was out rounding up the horse (hes an escape artist)
Sort of supporting my earlier reply about electronic connections.
I know a hand full of people that are completely tech illiterate.
They dont know how to use a computer dont use facebook dont own cell phones and dont really care either way.
What I have observed is they all seem to have life and relationships worked out rather well. They dont go home after work and check emails or text. They go out and meet people. Not because they are looking for a relationship but because its all they know and they are almost never single... Many are now happily married.
Just something to consider.


My old social psychology lecturer studies relationships, and more precisely why some people are able to find loving relationships whilst some can't. Through his research he found that those who didn't use/rely on technology, and instead lived in the real-world, were more likely to have considerably better and longer relationships. He also says that we are more likely to find someone within our local areas, whether it be where you live, work, etc, and falling in love depends on how many times you are around someone.
He also researches the psychology of conspiracy theories and the psychology of body art, he's a very cool, really attractive professor with lots of ink :love1

[Catalyst]

My old social psychology lecturer studies relationships, and more precisely why some people are able to find loving relationships whilst some can't. Through his research he found that those who didn't use/rely on technology, and instead lived in the real-world, were more likely to have considerably better and longer relationships. He also says that we are more likely to find someone within our local areas, whether it be where you live, work, etc, and falling in love depends on how many times you are around someone.
He also researches the psychology of conspiracy theories and the psychology of body art, he's a very cool, really attractive professor with lots of ink :love1

Its good to know my observations are on the right track :)
And ink is always a good thing, kind of addictive :D

[holzz]

i would date a TS woman, and i think using escorts is getting boring for me and hypocritical in a way.

i've contacted people on OKCupid, but no luck thus far. Soon I may move to another country, perhaps to USA or to UK, since there are far more

[SashaLondon]

It's a great theory! ... I don't quite know what the statistics of finding a trans woman would be though :/ .. Or for a trans woman to find the perfect partner, as there are obviously a lot of other social factors involved in that. Makes me want to research it :geek:

[Catalyst]

It's a great theory! ... I don't quite know what the statistics of finding a trans woman would be though :/ .. Or for a trans woman to find the perfect partner, as there are obviously a lot of other social factors involved in that. Makes me want to research it :geek:

I suspect the odds are better for finding a TS soulmate or the other way around than most might think. In general however I think although two paths may cross the odds of actually making the connection is something else. And thats the problem im thinking... That folks these days dont open up. Sometimes its hard enough to just say "hi how are you ?" So the connections that could be are lost.

[MrFanti]

IMHO,
If one happens to meet a transgender woman outside of the online world and nightclub life, then the odds are with you at least striking a relationship - if not only a friendly one :cool:

[BellaBellucci]

Wordiest. Thread. Ever. :lol:

~BB~

[Catalyst]

Wordiest. Thread. Ever. :lol:

~BB~

Sooooooorry hehe :D

Some of my many talents include thread jacking and rambling.

[Morven]

I've dated a few trans women through OKC; my profile says 'trans friendly' somewhere, and it's never really been an issue.

[Ben in LA]

1) The girls or "girls" act too crazy, vain and generally OTT
2) The majority of them are working girls,...
3) Therefore there is blatent rivalry with one another, with each girl attempting to show off.
4) The guys stand around the edge whilst the girls dance in the middle of the room, making it feel like a meat market!

Pretty much every TS club I've been to...no matter what the city.

[SXFX]

It's truly a sad and funny and depressing thing isn't it?
We guys all know that online dating is a wash, way too many guys to few women and the guys out there...wooh some of them are prolific texters.
One of my friends who is online dating says she receives up to 30 emails a day! and over and over again from the same guys most of the time....so she killed her account.
So now if a GG has this kind of problem...what would a poor TS woman have to deal with?
In the ideal world we would all be blind to our gender states and judge based on chemistry. But that's not how things work....

The ladies want to meet prince charming who will fall in love with her as a full fledged woman and just accept her transition.....can it happen....sure maybe.
And the guys are looking for that cute TS girl next door who has a kinky side and a love of making cup cake.....can it happy....sure maybe.

I guess in the end its not so much about "working" to send out text messages or having the right photo and the right profile.....maybe it's just all a crap shoot?
A big old poorly built poorly operated casino game?

[fivekatz]

Love and luck? Well you don't have to be crossing all the social barriers that relationships of mixed gender orientation create to need luck. When it involves mixed gender orientation there are greater challenges like friends acceptance (both ways) comfort in public, in social work situations. These all exist in any relationship by they magnify in unconventional relationships. All that working takes a bit of luck beyond the normal boundaries of love IMHO. But every day people are making it work because they find beyond the sexual attraction a soul mate for life. That's how I am seeing it any way.

[MrFanti]

The trick is to get out of the house, disconnect from "the net", and just be yourself......