"Tgirls" who just arn't, please let me know what you think.

[crystalsopen]

One of my 'tgirl' friends has been on hormones for about 4 years. This friend recently switched their hairstyle ( their best feature) to something that looks at best androgynous. They wear tank tops, jeans, they dress all in black, wear no makeup most days (not even concealer that they desperately need), has beer gut, and always ends up address as male. They act boyish generally. They don't seem to mind a social role as a male. They aren't saving up for SRS. They work for a tolerant company, so they won't lose their job if they presented as female as is possible. They have been a good supportive friend, and they were one of the very few people I found would help me if I had a crisis. I don't want to be the identity police, and I don't want to hurt a friend. But I really don't think they are trans. What is worse is this person (who is not malicious in any way), seems to validate trans-phobic people saying things like "men can claim to be trans and use the ladies room". I think this "tgirl" is looking for something that will make them feel loved/special/belonging/unique and trans isn't what they are.

So here is what I want to know:

Can/should and or how do I tell them that I don't think they are really trans?

Or if you think I'm wrong, why?

[diddyboponTOP]

First off many TS never plan to have SRS and are happy not to
Not all females were makeup daily or get all dolled up so who says trans do?I dont know how long you have been a TS but you seem to have no clue what you are talking about.
I lived with a pre op and when woke up in the am or spent the day in pjs on the couch I still viewed her as a real Tgirl even thougj she had a dick,had no make up on and was in sweat pants .Maybe Tou arw not a real TS if you think its about playing dress up daily.

[Instrumental]

Being trans is a state of mind, not a state of presentation. Many transgender people do not save up for or even want SRS; there are no rules as to how a transgender person has to dress; many genetic women act boyish so that is irrelevant. Unless your friend has some malicious underlying intent or is experiencing problems in life because of her actions, there's no reason for you to call her out because she's happy with how she's living and isn't harming anyone else.

[bluesoul]

So here is what I want to know:

Can/should and or how do I tell them that I don't think they are really trans?

Or if you think I'm wrong, why?

good questions. i don't see anything wrong with this individuals behavior. why should they behave one way? to satisfy your own definition of who they should be? and why if so?

i hate to say it, but i think this person is cool as hell. can you tell them to register here?

thanks in advance

[crystalsopen]

First off many TS never plan to have SRS and are happy not to
Not all females were makeup daily or get all dolled up so who says trans do?I dont know how long you have been a TS but you seem to have no clue what you are talking about.
I lived with a pre op and when woke up in the am or spent the day in pjs on the couch I still viewed her as a real Tgirl even thougj she had a dick,had no make up on and was in sweat pants .Maybe Tou arw not a real TS if you think its about playing dress up daily.

I'm on the fence about SRS for myself. And I don't think its about "playing dress up". I think it is about transitioning into life as a female. Which I know means different things to different people. For me it means being "socially female" or interacting with society as my true self. I want matching parts, so I want SRS, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to afford it. Btw, I started wearing female clothing is secret and trying to push my penis back in body at the age of 6, so I've been trans for about 30 years now.

[crystalsopen]

Being trans is a state of mind, not a state of presentation. Many transgender people do not save up for or even want SRS; there are no rules as to how a transgender person has to dress; many genetic women act boyish so that is irrelevant. Unless your friend has some malicious underlying intent or is experiencing problems in life because of her actions, there's no reason for you to call her out because she's happy with how she's living and isn't harming anyone else.

I think you're right. At times she is happy with it and at times she is down right miserable about it. She claims she feel body diphoria (that miserable depression of not looking the way one wants) and she gets upset when potential partners address her as male.

[crystalsopen]

good questions. i don't see anything wrong with this individuals behavior. why should they behave one way? to satisfy your own definition of who they should be? and why if so?

i hate to say it, but i think this person is cool as hell. can you tell them to register here?

thanks in advance

They are cool as hell, that is why they are my friend. I only want to say something because, I hate to see them make their own life harder unnecessarily. They're decision seems to be making dating and career advancement harder for them.

[bluesoul]

crystalsopen: perhaps you should address your friend and tell them of your concerns. or you can call jerry springer. he's always helped people through tough times. maybe he can help you

[crystalsopen]

crystalsopen: perhaps you should address your friend and tell them of your concerns. or you can call jerry springer. he's always helped people through tough times. maybe he can help you

LOL thanks!

[Jamie French]

Crystal, why are you telling any of these people about it? Or anyone other than the party involved? It hardly seems like any of your business let alone the dudes here on a porn board. All you can do is tell them to shape up, the rest is out of your hands and quite frankly, not your responsibility. If a mistake is being made on their part, they have to be allowed the opportunity to learn from it. If no mistake is being made then you are just being a busy body. That's not being a very good friend.

[JamesCole]

Why do you get to tell them what they are?
Why should they live by your definition of "trans"?

[crystalsopen]

Crystal, why are you telling any of these people about it? Or anyone other than the party involved? It hardly seems like any of your business let alone the dudes here on a porn board. All you can do is tell them to shape up, the rest is out of your hands and quite frankly, not your responsibility. If a mistake is being made on their part, they have to be allowed the opportunity to learn from it. If no mistake is being made then you are just being a busy body. That's not being a very good friend.

I was trying to decide if I should / could help this person. And were to try to help them, how would go about it. I generally find trans only forums to be echo chambers. I see you're point and I'll take your advice. People do need to learn from their mistakes, for me posting this here seems to have been one of them. I will not be a busy body.

[crystalsopen]

Why do you get to tell them what they are?
Why should they live by your definition of "trans"?

I don't believe I have any special rights to tell people who they are (or are not). That is why I said "I don't want to be the identity police, and I don't want to hurt a friend. " If you someone you care about is expending a large amount of their limited resources toward a goal. And you knew them well enough to think they will be miserable if they get to that goal. Would you say you something? Or is it better keep your mouth shut because you might be wrong, or they might not understand that all you want to do is save them heartache? Because that is what I was asking myself when I posted this.

After reading the replies to this (especially Jamie's) I'm not going to interfere.

[Jamie French]

You're a good egg Crystal, just don't bring your problems to this viper pit. People are just gonna get there boners all over your issues. Talk to your friend. Once. Leave it be. Wait for the results.

[crystalsopen]

You're a good egg Crystal, just don't bring your problems to this viper pit. People are just gonna get there boners all over your issues. Talk to your friend. Once. Leave it be. Wait for the results.

If I'm a good egg, then you're a wise chick ;) I will do that, if you think that is best. I'll try to figure out a way to do it as nicely as possible.

[TS Evelyn Summers]

Heres an idea......Why dont we alle just let people live their lives as they sit fit für themselves!