Spent the last two weeks in a State run Regional Psychiatric Hospital

[Erika1487]

On Friday September the 14th I decided this life was no longer worth living. I sat at my kitchen table alone and picked up my Keltec PF9 drew the slide back putting a 115grain fmj into the chamber. I drew the gun to my temple and put my finger on the trigger, then my mom came over and screamed 'don't do it'.
Crying uncontrolably I put the gun down on the table and my aunt drove me to the E.R. I was seen by a doctor and a social worker, then sent (by police escort) to Appalachian Behavioral Healthcare, a state psychiatric hospital, run by The Ohio Department of Mental Health.
For the last two weeks Ward 1 north has been my home. I was placed on umpretictable behavior and was monitored by staff 24hrs a day. Every 15mins a staff member had to report where i was and what i was doing.
I was placed on the women's side of the ward for the entire stay. Being trans was not an issue there.
The fist week there I found a loose paper clip with a sharp edge and cut my wrist with it twice.
The second time i cut myself, I was placed in a 'quiet room' and strapped down to a bed fed seditaves for 12hrs.
The second week went better, my new deppression meds kicked in, I no longer felt suicidial.
Today my psychiatrist signed my relase and I came home at 11Am.
I am better, but a hell of a long way from being ok.....

[robertlouis]

Big hugs, Erika. x

[Steele67]

I'm glad to hear that you are doing better. I myself have been where you are 2 years ago. It took me over a year to get control of my situation and I'm doing a lot better now. I know that you don't know me but if you ever need a friend or someone to just talk to don't hesitate to contact me. My email is brbrahma@yahoo.com. I will be there to listen to you and will try to help in any way I can.

[danthepoetman]

Hang on, Erika! You have friends here! there’s people for whom you’re important and precious! Life is sometimes a fucking bitch, but there is always something you can find to make it interesting and fun.
Life is all we have; it’s the very bottom line. Sometimes, for some reason, we stop letting it give joys to us; it’s as if we didn’t want anything to do, not so much with life itself, but more with anything it has to offer. You have to let yourself appreciate what it can give you, even when you feel it’s not that much.
At this point, you have to take care of yourself, Erika. Pleasure yourself! do what you like to do! find back what you like to do if need be. And REST! that’s very important. Take a lot of time to recuperate and recover. REST.
Many people in this society feel that people who suffer from depression are cowards. But the reality is exactly the opposite. And it’s exactly why those people suffer from depression. People affected with this are those who constantly push themselves, those who never ever give themselves a break. It’s almost a sickness in itself. They are the more severe and hard on themselves than anybody would be. At some point, they get so tired of what they, themselves, demands from themselves (yes!), that they start functioning only on nervous tension. And when you function on nervous tension alone, at some point, this tension suddenly completely releases and the person has absolutely nothing left. Everything seems gone. That’s why all the energy leaves you, and that’s why every problem or heartache seems colossal. This is very difficult to build back: you have to rest a lot, do what you like to do, and slowly learn back to enjoy life.
Don’t stop talking to us, Erika! Everybody loves you on this forum. We're not physically with you but believe me, we all are in mind!

[Wendy Summers]

Sorry you had a rough patch there. I'm glad to see you got and I hope are continuing to get help.

HA wouldn't be the same without you.

[robertlouis]

Sorry you had a rough patch there. I'm glad to see you got and I hope are continuing to get help.

HA wouldn't be the same without you.

Very nicely put, Wendy. I echo the sentiments. Please stick around Erika - and you know who to pm if we can help.

[loveboof]

Hi Erika,

I'm sorry to hear about your recent problems. I would just like to echo what some others have said in your thread - there is never no hope.

You should never feel lost or afraid. There are still plenty of wonderful people and things in the world, and whenever you feel low I hope you will reach out to someone rather than thinking you have nowhere else to turn.

We may be an anonymous internet community here on HA, but sometimes anonymity is the best place to start from in order to speak honestly :)

There are people here who would go out of their way to help you Erika, and although I don't know you I would like to extend my hand with them if you are ever in need again...

[buttslinger]

I was just going to write in another thread how the people here have actually become PEOPLE, but I didn't because I thought it was too sappy. So this is pretty shocking that this could happen to my favorite Republican. Get the very best doctor you can, Erika, it's a real good sign the meds make you feel better in this amount of time.

[danthepoetman]

If anyone has a personal link to Erika and a way to reach her outside here, it’s time to encourage her; it’s time not to let her down… She’s such a wonderful person, so colourful and with such an engaging, attractive personality. She’s so deserving of friendship and love! I hope someone can stay in contact with her on a regular basis.

[tsadriana]

Erika me loves u and im with u all the way hun....u can talk with me anytime hun.....Don`t forget u said it that im mad so pls let me be the mad one..BIg hugs and all my support hun 24/7 anytime u need to talk with someone im here.....Love ya be strong....We all have a hard life but being strong is all about....lots of kisses xxxxxxx

[Prospero]

Hey Erika... this might seem like a strange place but people here genuinely enjoy your postings and like you. We would miss you and the world would miss you. Hang on in here. You matter as a person. It'll get better.

[giovanni_hotel]

Keep taking your meds Erika. Are you in an outpatient treatment program, meeting with a psychiatrist at least once a month??

[gregorysgirl]

thinking of you... You are not alone honey x

[ed_jaxon]

Erika I am very sorry you are going through this but it seems as if you have good people around you. Support is key.

I look forward to meeting you one day and having a beer but in the mean time just keep taking care of you.

Keep us updated on your progress. You got a lot of people here who care about you.

Ed

[Stavros]

Erika like the other posters I was shocked at your news, but pleased to hear you are getting over it. We are always in a state of transition, never knowing for sure when one phase ends, and another begins. Just try to stay ahead of the curve.

[Dino Velvet]

Erika, I've tried to write things but am at a loss for words. Just please take care of yourself.

[Prospero]

Erika me loves u and im with u all the way hun....u can talk with me anytime hun.....Don`t forget u said it that im mad so pls let me be the mad one..BIg hugs and all my support hun 24/7 anytime u need to talk with someone im here.....Love ya be strong....We all have a hard life but being strong is all about....lots of kisses xxxxxxx


Adriana is a good person, Erika. She is there for you in a way we mere guys can't be. Stay well.

[Merkurie]

Erika, take care of yourself.

[Erika1487]

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

I am currently being treated for major depression disorder with 40mg of Celexa 1x daily, 200mg of Trazadone 100mg 2x nightly, 150mg 0f Vistarial 50mg 3x daily. This combanaiton of meds leave me seadated and drowsy all day & night.
Although I don't feel suicidal, I still have a strong urge to cut myself, not to die just too feel pain.
I do need to feel psyhical pain too feel loved....

At this point I can't see myself stop cutting. The hospital was up front with me and said that if I self injure myself too much they would recall me too the hospital for involentary addmission for a much longer stay.
My life still feels out of control and my reality seems distorted.
Again thank you all for being kind.

Erika

[rockabilly]

I'm on cymbalta and Kolonopin for my depression and anxiety.
Feel better Erika I tried suicide myself a few times.

[jamiethewild]

Erika By all means take it as an advice girl not offense, you need to focus on your therapy not on these threads your on the wrong place yeah its good to have the support from some nice in people here. But this isn't the right place for you girl for the time being, there's mostly drama on here , you need to focus on your recovery an lean more on the people that love you, like your family and friends in person you need their touch not the internet and get a life i mean get to know yourself, love yourself and the hobbies you love to do in life being in the laptop/computer isn't life at all. Take at look at your environment and ask yourself if your happy hope your recovery goes well and theres a lot more to life has to offer :praying:

[doctor screw]

Stay Strong

“Living is really hard, but death is forever. We’re all going to die eventually, so what’s your rush' Even if you think committing suicide will make you seem tragic and romantic and cool, you’ll never know what happened anyway. Don’t you want to know how your life was supposed to turn out. Wouldn't you like to see what you’re made of?”
― Susan M. Brackney

[talldudeil]

Having gone through post op depression for cancer surgery and being on meds for about 10 years I can understand the depression. If you want to talk feel free to e-mail me anytime. Any thing I can do to help I will, I know how devastating it can be. Stay strong and get support anyway that you can. God bless and good luck

[danthepoetman]

Erika, once again, you need to give yourself a break. A serious break. You’re not responsible for everything that happens in your life. You know the expression: “Shit happens!” It does in everybody’s life, and it’s far from always being our doing… From what little I know from you, I know you’re someone extremely tough on yourself. But it’s not you, not everything is your fault or your doing… Try to cool off a bit; you’re not well: be gentle with yourself, if just for this once… You deserve a break.



I'm on cymbalta and Kolonopin for my depression and anxiety.
Feel better Erika I tried suicide myself a few times.
I guess we belong to a pretty big club, Rockabilly…

[lovesall]

Erika feel better and hang in there hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[BluegrassCat]

Keep up with the meds, even though the side effects suck, they're worth it. Keep talking to people, keep reaching out to people. It will get better.

[Prospero]

Heard this on British radio this morning and thought if you read and thought about it, it might help you. It's by a medieval Persiaon poet called Hafez.

I wish I could show you,
When you are lonely or in the darkness,
The Astonishing Light
Of your own Being!

[BiBoyinBeantown]

Good luck and best wishes. Take care of yourself.

[BigDF]

Hello all, I spoke to Erika on the phone this morning and although she is still very down, she seems to be on the mend, depending on how things go with her therapist on Thursday. While she's worried the therapist will see she's still cutting herself and recommend that she be committed again, she is trying to find outpatient therapy. She has promised to send me an email on Thursday and let me know how things are going. Thanks to everyone for their positive responses, you are all living up to the title of this board.

[Prospero]

Good to hear that BigDF... you're a good guy

[mnguy2044]

i know what you are feeling like i have been where u have been and just remember what you have in your life worth living for like family and friends and whatever else is great in your life that is the only way i didnt do it. just take things 1 day at a time and dont regret what you have done that will make it worse. it takes time and i wish you the best. you are at bottom all you can do is go up from here and 1 day you will rise about it and be 1 million times better than if this didnt happen to you!! just remember what you have to live for and it makes it easier to live!!

[danifan]

Hi, Ericka

Sorry to hear about your troubles and I can completely relate as I was in the same situation about two months ago and had to have a month off work, two weeks of which were spent under hospital supervision, and I was nearing the end of 18 months of therapy too...

I can't presume to know what your issues are and depression makes you immune to alot of positive comments as your emotional state makes you unreceptive. All I can say is at the time, i was told this was a transitory feeling, that it would pass and I would get through it...I thought that was absolute bullshit and had a noose ready whilst in the hospital...yet here I am. Therapy's finished (not too helpful, but still...) and I'm still here...still get pangs but still moving forward...

It's probably too raw for you at the minute, but please hang in there, get some help and try support and advice on board, and you can make it through this..

[Quiet Reflections]

I know all about depression as I have been fighting with it for many years my heart truly goes out to you. I have been in that dark place and believe me when I say there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[broncofan]

I am also a long time depression sufferer and I do know from having gone through four years of major depression that you can come out of it. There was one point when I did something stupid and was sure I had suffered brain damage from it. The resulting distress from this caused me to think about suicide every day for weeks on end.

My point is that while nobody can know exactly how you're feeling no situation is hopeless. Things that are going on upstairs, while serious, can mend but only if you hang in there. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and do try your hardest to keep yourself away from those situations where you are most tempted to hurt yourself. Best wishes.

[danthepoetman]

Hello all, I spoke to Erika on the phone this morning and although she is still very down, she seems to be on the mend, depending on how things go with her therapist on Thursday. While she's worried the therapist will see she's still cutting herself and recommend that she be committed again, she is trying to find outpatient therapy. She has promised to send me an email on Thursday and let me know how things are going. Thanks to everyone for their positive responses, you are all living up to the title of this board.
BigDF, if she doesn’t come on the site, please tell her about the support she’s getting on the forum and transmit to her all of our good thoughts. Thank you for giving us news of her well being! In time like this, friends are crucial. As friends of Erika, I think we should also thank you for the friendship you have for her too.

[danthepoetman]

Any recent news from our Erika, anyone? BigDF?

[Erika1487]

Hello everyone.

I first must say thank you for all of the love and support you have all sent on this thread. It has been a rough four weeks, but this last thrusday I started to make some postive changes in my life and am starting to feel better. I don't feel the urge to self harm anymore, I feel that I am finally in control of my life, instead of life circumstances controling me.

Thank again for all for your support, I am truly thankful.

Erika xoxo

[Wendy Summers]

Hello everyone.

I first must say thank you for all of the love and support you have all sent on this thread. It has been a rough four weeks, but this last thrusday I started to make some postive changes in my life and am starting to feel better. I don't feel the urge to self harm anymore, I feel that I am finally in control of my life, instead of life circumstances controling me.

Thank again for all for your support, I am truly thankful.

Erika xoxo

Glad to hear things are looking better!

[tsadriana]

Hello everyone.

I first must say thank you for all of the love and support you have all sent on this thread. It has been a rough four weeks, but this last thrusday I started to make some postive changes in my life and am starting to feel better. I don't feel the urge to self harm anymore, I feel that I am finally in control of my life, instead of life circumstances controling me.

Thank again for all for your support, I am truly thankful.

Erika xoxo
Im very -pleased to hear angel xxx

[Faldur]

Hello everyone.

I first must say thank you for all of the love and support you have all sent on this thread. It has been a rough four weeks, but this last thrusday I started to make some postive changes in my life and am starting to feel better. I don't feel the urge to self harm anymore, I feel that I am finally in control of my life, instead of life circumstances controling me.

Thank again for all for your support, I am truly thankful.

Erika xoxo

Good news Erika, keep going girl.. it will get better.

[onmyknees]

Hello everyone.

I first must say thank you for all of the love and support you have all sent on this thread. It has been a rough four weeks, but this last thrusday I started to make some postive changes in my life and am starting to feel better. I don't feel the urge to self harm anymore, I feel that I am finally in control of my life, instead of life circumstances controling me.

Thank again for all for your support, I am truly thankful.

Erika xoxo

good !
:D

[Prospero]

Welcome back to life Erika... stay well

[Chaos]

I was a cutter a long time ago. I too, thought I needed it to feel anything.
As I got older I realized all I did was push people away and scare them half to death. Pain lets you know you're still alive was my motto....Then I realized I felt the physical pain and was inflicting mental pain on friends and family....
Of course I didn't have any help at all I had to learn on my own....
Even the Hospital didn't help and couldn't. I'm glad you're getting better,I hope you have more good days than bad,because one day at a time is the best any of us can do....
I hope that came out right....

[danthepoetman]

You’re a great, original, nice person with a lot of personality, Erika. In my book, you’re undefeated and still going. But be considerate to yourself, and don’t demand more of you than you would ask of anyone… ;) You’re one of a kind, and thus, a champion in your own right, because you’re a barrier breaker. Don’t quit on life nor on yourself. No one could replace you.

[mnguy2044]

good to hear 1 day at a time!!! enjoy those closests to you and remember they are the reason you are who you are!!! keep your head up and face ur challenges head on and do what you can knowing ur limits will make it easier!!

[ts-lover.com]

you should do more writing, you are a gifted writer

[Sunny Dee-lite]

Sorry for your pain.... Hope life finds you better today than yesterday.... always know.... you can make tomorrow brighter than today!!!!!!!All my love! Sunny D!

[BigDF]

Hello, everyone. I talked to Erika this evening and she is doing ok, but she's decided to take some time off and try to work out some of the issues in her life. She is talking about perhaps coming back around Christmas time. She says she's going to check her cellphone every day and will return calls from her friends. That's all I can say at this time.

[Dino Velvet]

Hello, everyone. I talked to Erika this evening and she is doing ok, but she's decided to take some time off and try to work out some of the issues in her life. She is talking about perhaps coming back around Christmas time. She says she's going to check her cellphone every day and will return calls from her friends. That's all I can say at this time.

Thanks for the update, BigDF. Erika is a nice gal and we all like her. Until then, I hope she has a Happy Halloween and Thanksgiving and we'll wait for the best Christmas wishes.:cheers:

Even though my dad played for Michigan.

http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/29000000/OHIO-STATE-BUCKEYES-FOOTBALL-GO-BUCKS-ohio-state-football-29030008-1920-1080.png

http://www.tuskyvalley.k12.oh.us/TVHS/Pictures/2007-2008/GoBuckeyes/GoBuckeyes008.jpg

I'm a Dodger fan too.

http://tribune-files.imagefortress.com/attachment1s/1591548/medium_wm/ASH-525-CT_F.JPG?1300942477

[bat1]

Sex will help when you feel down and low.....

[danthepoetman]

Thank you, BigDF!

[Chaos]

Thanks for the update, BigDF. Erika is a nice gal and we all like her. Until then, I hope she has a Happy Halloween and Thanksgiving and we'll wait for the best Christmas wishes.:cheers:


:iagree: Wish you well and see you soon!

[BigDF]

Thanks for the update, BigDF. Erika is a nice gal and we all like her. Until then, I hope she has a Happy Halloween and Thanksgiving and we'll wait for the best Christmas wishes.:cheers:

Even though my dad played for Michigan.

http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/29000000/OHIO-STATE-BUCKEYES-FOOTBALL-GO-BUCKS-ohio-state-football-29030008-1920-1080.png

http://www.tuskyvalley.k12.oh.us/TVHS/Pictures/2007-2008/GoBuckeyes/GoBuckeyes008.jpg

I'm a Dodger fan too.

http://tribune-files.imagefortress.com/attachment1s/1591548/medium_wm/ASH-525-CT_F.JPG?1300942477Thanks, Dino. I'll pass along yours and everyones best wishes to her the next time we talk.

[Prospero]

You are a good guy BigDF... send her my best too

[danthepoetman]

I’m thinking about lady Erika, this morning. I hope she takes a good breather, takes good care of herself to come back to us in good shape.
Sia - Breathe Me - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSH7fblcGWM)

[Dino Velvet]

Thanks, Dino. I'll pass along yours and everyones best wishes to her the next time we talk.

Hope she gets a kick outta the Marge Schott/Pete Rose pic. I grew up booing Charlie Hustle until I had no voice left. But secretly I woulda traded Ron Cey for Pete in a second.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m46a2fBimr1qm9rypo1_1280.jpg

http://www.athleteswives.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/Pete-Roses-Girlfriend-Kiana-Kim.jpghttp://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/000/551/541/Kiana-Kim-1_display_image.jpg?1291768826

[brickcitybrother]

Too many posts to go through ... I read your first post and say this:


I completely understand that this life is hard as hell. I understand that you may feel alone and unappreciated. I understand that others around you do not take the time to understand you. I understand that for the moment - NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT OR YOUR WAY. But I also understand that every time I've felt that way - I've held on and things have gotten better than they were at that time.

My opinion on this may be meaningless ... but there is something to be said for continuing to fight, to battle, to simple see what comes next.

Good luck ... but more importantly Good Heart. Show everyone that you're not going to simply lay down be run over, but that you'er going to stand up for yourself.

[BigDF]

I spoke to Erika on the telephone last week and she sounded good. She's got a new counselor and psychiatrist helping her with her depression and other issues. She is staying off the internet and asked me to pass on her mailing address in case anyone wants to contact her that way.

Erika Spangler
12852 Scatter Ridge Rd.
Athens, OH 45701

She also told me she really enjoys reading letters. :)

[danthepoetman]

Thanks a lot, BigDF. I will definitely write to her if she's ok with it. I'm glad to hear she's doing better.
Staying off the net for a while is not a bad idea. I've entertain that one for a while myself.
BigDF, you're a real friend to her. You're a very honorable person.

[DL_NL]

I haven't visited HA a lot since my PC died, so I was shocked to read this today for the first time. Erika, take care... hang in there! As someone who's hit rock bottom a few times I can tell you that things will get better eventually. You've got lots of friends here, I'm pleasantly surprised by the closeness of the HA community.

[BigDF]

I've got another update on our friend Erika. Unfortunately after another cutting incident she's back in the state hospital on a voluntary commitment. I talked to her earlier this week and she told me they put her in the quiet room for awhile after they caught her cutting herself and now she's worried that they might probate her on an involuntary commitment. She can be reached by telephone awkwardly: 740-594-5000. If you call, just ask for her by name: Erika Spangler.

She told me that she was very encouraged by the support she's received from everyone and most recently Bella Bellucci. Thanks everyone who has reached out to her and hopefully she can get past this problem and have a good life.

BigD

[Dino Velvet]

I've got another update on our friend Erika. Unfortunately after another cutting incident she's back in the state hospital on a voluntary commitment. I talked to her earlier this week and she told me they put her in the quiet room for awhile after they caught her cutting herself and now she's worried that they might probate her on an involuntary commitment. She can be reached by telephone awkwardly: 740-594-5000. If you call, just ask for her by name: Erika Spangler.

She told me that she was very encouraged by the support she's received from everyone and most recently Bella Bellucci. Thanks everyone who has reached out to her and hopefully she can get past this problem and have a good life.

BigD

Thanks for the update, BigD. We're all hoping for Erika's recovery.

Kudos to Bella also. I've always known her as a solid gal.

[Wendy Summers]

I've got another update on our friend Erika. Unfortunately after another cutting incident she's back in the state hospital on a voluntary commitment. I talked to her earlier this week and she told me they put her in the quiet room for awhile after they caught her cutting herself and now she's worried that they might probate her on an involuntary commitment. She can be reached by telephone awkwardly: 740-594-5000. If you call, just ask for her by name: Erika Spangler.

She told me that she was very encouraged by the support she's received from everyone and most recently Bella Bellucci. Thanks everyone who has reached out to her and hopefully she can get past this problem and have a good life.

BigD

Thanks for the update... I do hope things get better for her.

[robertlouis]

Thanks for the update D. Does she have any form of internet access?

[Prospero]

You're a good guy D... thanks for keeping us abreast of her news. Darn awful way to spend the festive season. Send her my best wishes too.

[danthepoetman]

Damn! I didn't write to Erika yet! I feel like an asshole! and I mean, not the pretty type. I've been too caught up in my own bullshit.
I hope she gets better and comes back to us soon. She's a great lady with so much personality. She has so much to give and to share with each of us!

[Erika1487]

I would like to thank all of you with your support and concern. I am a little worse for wear after three visits. I have been self-harm free for two weeks. I will try to start visting a little more often, I missed this place.

Erika xoxo

[Rusty Eldora]

Erica-
Please look forward to life and living, things will get better. Learn to enjoy flowers, sunrises, life around you. Learn to smile and laugh again, its a new day in a new year. I hope it is a great year for you

Rusty

[BiBoyinBeantown]

Erika,

Good to hear from you. You have lots of friends here. Keep on keepin' on...brighter days are ahead. Doesn't look like it now but they're coming. Hang in there, and let us know how you're doing.

[MrsKellyPierce]

Erika I am so proud that you were so candid about your problems and how you are feeling.

So many that should, aren't, and they take their lives.

We as a community should hold each other together in moments like this.

Know that life is so short and your purpose is not done here.

When you die it will be meant to be, not taken into your own hands of when you die.

Your purpose here is not done yet, so fight for your life, and find your purpose.

[danthepoetman]

We love you, Erika! You're home amongst us. Welcome back!

[ed_jaxon]

Hang in there Erika!

[Wendy Summers]

I would like to thank all of you with your support and concern. I am a little worse for wear after three visits. I have been self-harm free for two weeks. I will try to start visting a little more often, I missed this place.

Erika xoxo

Glad to hear you've been no harm for two weeks - I look forward to all of us celebrating two YEARS of no harm with you!

[robertlouis]

I'm glad to hear you're bearing up, Erika. It's true what people say, there is a lot of love and concern for you here. If it helps at all, we're willing you to succeed. All the very best.