The Best Joke You Know

[ghostofbillhicks]

... just because I'm bored and need a laugh.

My personal favourite?
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi' Jam In

Like I said, I am bored ....

[Quinn]

Cosign.

-Quinn

[hondarobot]

This is one of my favorites (although I remember Mega posted a joke thread, but what the hell):

(Must be told in outragous French Canadian accent)

I am Jacques the Woodsman! I have cut down the tallest tree in all of Canada. But do they call me "Jacques, the Woodsman"?

No.

I am Jacques the Fisherman! I have caught the largest fish in all of Canada. But do they call me "Jacques, the Fisherman"?

No.

I am Jacques the Hunter! I have shot the most ferocious bear in all of Canada. But do they call me "Jacques, the Hunter"?

No.

But, suck one little cock. . .



hehe

Oh, Lost is on!

[ghostofbillhicks]

Guy walks into the woods with a little girl.
The girl says 'mister, I'm really scared.'
The guy says: 'oh, you're scared? I've got to walk back on my own ...'

I am so, so sorry .....

[johnb]

a guy goes to pick up his date, first one they've ever had, and she says, "OK, I want to get one thing perfectly straight right off the bat...I insist on having multiple orgasms!" and the guy responds, "Oh yea?...Well, I've got to see that to believe it!"

[BeardedOne]

The dykes always liked this one:

This girl goes to the doctor, see...

And during the examination, he finds this 'H' shaped rash on her chest, so he asks "What is this 'H' Sahped rash on your chest?"

And she tells him, she sez, "Oh, my boyfriend goes to Hahvid and when we make love he wears his letter sweater".

So then, another girl comes in, and when he's examining her he finds a 'Y' shaped rash on her chest, so he asks "What is this 'Y' shaped rash on your chest?"

And she tells him, she sez, "Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and when we make love he wears his letter sweater".

So then, a third girl comes in, and when he's examining her he finds an 'M' sahped rash on her chest, so he sez, "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to MIT."

So she tells him, she sez, "No, my =girlfriend= goes to Wesleyan".

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[johnb]

after a bitter divorce proceeding, a guy walks into a bar and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" a man sitting at the end of the bar says, "I resent that!" the first guy says, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't know you were an attorney." the second guy says, "I'm not, I'm an asshole!"

[johnb]

two guys walk into a bar...don't you think the second one would've ducked?

[johnb]

Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Say Miss, why the long face?"

[johnb]

by the way, if chefmike drops by and approves of any of these, as a reward, could he please post a pic of the biggest ts cock he's ever seen?

[ghostofbillhicks]

Two fish in a tank ....
... and neither could drive it

[johnb]

i'll think of a few more in a few, so i can post them and get my poster rating advanced, but right now i'm going to look at the black tgirl cock thread

[ghostofbillhicks]

a noble diversion my friend

[Hugh Jarrod]

Guy walks into the woods with a little girl.
The girl says 'mister, I'm really scared.'
The guy says: 'oh, you're scared? I've got to walk back on my own ...'

I am so, so sorry .....

You should be, and with a name like that you'd think this would be your thread.

[Quinn]

I really like racial humor. With that in mind, here are two rather innocent jokes that pertain to my own heritage:

a) What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade.
b) How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.

-Quinn

[Hugh Jarrod]

I really like racial humor. With that in mind, here are two rather innocent jokes that pertain to my own heritage:

a) What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade.
b) How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.

-Quinn

Last I heard those they were Polish jokes. Polish are "stupid" allegedly, and the "Irish" are drunks.

[ManOfSteel]

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?"
The nine year old says, "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

[Hugh Jarrod]

Here's one -- A young man leaves behind his life of crime by joining the French foriegn legion. His first assignment stations him in the desert. The first day he enters the Captain's tent and asks where the women are. The Captain says "There is a camel out back." The young man says "No way." and leaves, the captain just shrugs his shoulders. Three months later he enters the captain's tent again and asks "What do we do for female companionship?" again the Captain says "There is a camel out back." This happens again in three months, and again in another three months. Finally three months go by again and he enters the Captain's tent with the same question and the captain says "Look if I told you once, I've told you a thousand times! There is a camel out back!" So the young man goes out back of the tent and sees a camel. He decides he can't take it anymore so he gets up behind the camel and starts fucking it, he's so horny it doesn't take long, and so he does it three times for at least a half an hour. Finished he makes his way back into the tent, whilst buckling his pants the captain asks "You must've been really horny?" The young man answers "You know I was." and the captain replies "It takes most guys about a half hour alone just to ride into town."

[Hugh Jarrod]

Two old jewish men walk by a church which has a sign in the window that says "Convert for $10.00" Fival looks to Herman and says "I like being who I am Herman, but ten dollars is ten dollars." So Fival enters the church, and comes out a half an hour later. Herman stares at him and says "Well did you get your ten dollars?" Fival answers "What is it with you people and money!?"

[Hugh Jarrod]

Five year old Billy is sitting in class when the teacher ask the children to look at their vocabulary list, pick a word from the list, and use it in a sentence. Billy raises his hand, when the teacher calls on him he chooses the word contagious. The teacher then asks "Can you use contagious in a sentence Billy?" Billy replies "Yes, my father saw the neighbor lady painting her fence with a small brush, and said it'll take that contagious (cunt ages) to paint the fence with that brush."

[Hugh Jarrod]

Back in WWI during the days of trench warfare on a battle field pitting the Germans against the Italians. A German soldier hatches a plan, when the gunfire falls silent he yells out "Hey Giavani." All the Italian soldiers named Giavani stick their heads up to take a look and all are shot dead. The Germans begin to laugh, then yell "Hey Carlo." All the Italian soldiers named Carlo peep their heads up and are shot dead. Again the Germans laugh. Finally a young Italian soldier named Luigi says "I see what they're doing, I know what to do." He then yells out "Hey Clause." A German soldier named Clause yells back "Is that you Luigi!?" and all the Italian soldiers named Luigi stick up their heads and are shot dead.

[Hugh Jarrod]

Two nuns are givin' the responsability of painting the mother superior's office and told to be careful and keep their habits clean. After spilling a little paint and almost ruining her habit the first nun suggests to the second that they lock the door disrobe and paint. The second nun agrees, and they get naked and begin to paint. Suddenly there is a knock at the door, when the first nun asks "Who is it?" a voice answers back "Blind man." The two nuns look at each other and agree if he's blind he can't see that they are naked and they proceed to open the door. The man at the doors see them and says "Nice tits! Where do you want me to put the blinds?"

[Quinn]

I really like racial humor. With that in mind, here are two rather innocent jokes that pertain to my own heritage:

a) What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade.
b) How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.

-Quinn

Last I heard those they were Polish jokes. Polish are "stupid" allegedly, and the "Irish" are drunks.

If you spend time in England, you will find that they tell Irish jokes like U.S. citizens tell Polish jokes and Canadians tell Newfie jokes. For some reason, most of the drunk jokes aren't nearly as funny as IQ-oriented humor.

Here's a page with more:
http://www.suslik.org/Humour/National/irish.html

-Quinn

[hondarobot]

with all due respect quinn, iq jokes are fine, but my peoples frugelty can be quite comical...


why do jews watch porn in reverse?


so they can watch the hooker give the money back...

Hehe. I'm Irish myself and have no problem with Irish jokes, but the jewish jokes are the best. And I'm saying this with the most respect, Jews have kept me employed my whole life thus far (and I'm not kidding, they have).

How did the Grand Canyon get formed?

A Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.


Come on, get a mental image of that guy digging away, it's funny. . .

[Quinn]

In the UK, the Scottish also seem to be the butt of jokes referencing a certain degree of frugality. For example:

a) How was copper wire created? Two Scotsmen fought over a penny.
b) How was the Grand Canyon created? A scotsman though he lost two pence.

Yeah, I know, they're not really that clever.

-Quinn

[InvisibleTS]

Alright, this joke is kinda dated and I hope someone else didn't already use it but...

Q: How are a can of sardines and priests similar?

A: They both come in small cans.

Bu duh dum ching. Good night!

[InvisibleTS]

Ok, one more which I think most already know but is in the same vain...

Q: How are acne and priests different?

A: Acne waits til you're 13 to cum on your face.

Hope that was new to someone. Will enjoy reading the rest of these later. Peace :wink:

[BeardedOne]

Angela! :shock:

For shame! :x

Got any more? :lol:

To those that love Newfie jokes, I have to get a scan of the old Deifenbacher (Sp?) hundred dollar bill (The one with the Newfie Firing Squad on the back). It's a visual, and only works with the scan. :roll:

[shemalejunky]

Diefenbaker $100 bill? I only recall the Borden C-note myself....regardless, we don't tell Newfie jokes much anymore up here, but here is a lame one:

How does a Newfie take a shower?
He pees into the wind.

A terrible racist joke:

What do you call a stunt driver who tries to jump over 500 black people with a steam roller?
Ku Klux Kneivel

A blonde joke:

Two hookers - a blonde and brunette - are standing at a street corner as a police car races by, sirens blaring.
Brunette: Ever been picked up by the fuzz before?
Blonde: No, but I have been swung around by the nipples.

[BeardedOne]

Two hookers - a blonde and brunette - are standing at a street corner as a police car races by, sirens blaring.
Brunette: Ever been picked up by the fuzz before?
Blonde: No, but I have been swung around by the nipples.

:shock:

Priceless. :lol:


Diefenbaker $100 bill? I only recall the Borden C-note myself....

Ah, I stand corrected. It was the fifty. I went on a treasure hunt and found one, showing the 'Newfie Firing Squad':

[robbie]

Favorite gross dirty joke:

Q: How does a mother in Arkansas know her daughter has got her period?
A: Her son's dick tastes funny.

Favorite "dirty" joke:

A new miner arrives at a remote mining town in the old west. He finds that there are no women residents. So he asks one of the old timers what they do for release. The old timer points to a pasture filled with sheep and tells the newcomer that when they have the urge and can't hold out any longer they go out to the field with the sheep. The necomer recoils and vows he will never do that.
As the months slip by, the newcomer watches as miner after miner makes his way to the field. Finally, he is so horny he can't take it anymore and decides, if he's going to do a sheep, he's at least going to treat her like a lady. so he goes to the field and finds the prettiest sheep he can and brings her back to his room, bathes her, dolls her up and fucks her. afterwards, he takes her downstairs for a drink.
As he walks in to the saloon with the sheep a hush falls over the bar and they all stare in disbelief. he stops and says to the crowd, "what's the matter you fucking hypocrites, you all go out to the field and fuck the sheep!"
At that an old timer replies, "well yea, but that's the Sherrif's gal."

[MetaSylo]

heard this one tonight...

whats the useless skin surrounding boobs called?

a woman.

it killed me. i loved it. esp since my girl told it to me :)

[Trogdor]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and ask, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says no and then the bear picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with him. ~Rimshot~ :mrgreen:

[daralee]

..

[suckseed]

Two guys apply for jobs in a coal mine. One's big and burly, late twenties. The other is a wiry old Chinese man. The boss looks them both over, and says to the first. "You look strong. Go down in the elevator to shaft #3 and find the guys with the drills." the first guy leaves. Boss looks over the little Chinese guy, who is smiling and anxious to be hired. He says to the man, "Allright. You're in charge of the supplies. Take the elevator all the way down."
End of the day, all the miners come up out of the ground. The boss sees the big man, but not the Chinese man, and figures he must have quit or slipped out while he wasn't looking.
At the end of the second day, the boss starts worrying about the man. He gets in the elevator and takes it all the way down. He gets out and walks all the way down a dimly lit corridor. Then as he starts to go around a corner, out jumps the little guy. He yells happily,


V

V

V


V


V


"SUPPLIES!"

[MacShreach]

Not the best I know but the best I heard this week:

It's just before Scotland v Brazil in a pre-World Cup friendly and
Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his
teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We
know it's not important and it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and
we can't be bothered".

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by
myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they
get the landlord to put the television on. A big cheer goes up as the
screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)". He is beating
Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until
someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got
on". They put the television on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (McJock 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against
Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They
find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head
in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all
by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"


"No, No, I have, I've let you down, you don't understand....
-


-


-


-

I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[tvdoc]

A frail, nerdy white accountant gets sent to prison for embezzlement.
Totally new to this environment, he's obviously scared to death. First
day in, they put him in his cell. Holding onto the bars and shaking, he looks around and sees an extremely large, black man laying in the
lower bunk reading a book. He quickly turns to avoid eye contact and
continues to stare our of the cell. Soon, he hears a deep voice from behind him "Ok, here's how it works" little man cringes, "you can be the mommy or you can be the daddy". The little guys eyes light up and he turns to the black guy "My choice?" "Yep" little man says "Ok, then............I'll.........be the........daddy!" The black guy says "Ok"

"Now, come over here and suck mommy's dick"

[Quinn]

Two guys apply for jobs in a coal mine. One's big and burly, late twenties. The other is a wiry old Chinese man. The boss looks them both over, and says to the first. "You look strong. Go down in the elevator to shaft #3 and find the guys with the drills." the first guy leaves. Boss looks over the little Chinese guy, who is smiling and anxious to be hired. He says to the man, "Allright. You're in charge of the supplies. Take the elevator all the way down."
End of the day, all the miners come up out of the ground. The boss sees the big man, but not the Chinese man, and figures he must have quit or slipped out while he wasn't looking.
At the end of the second day, the boss starts worrying about the man. He gets in the elevator and takes it all the way down. He gets out and walks all the way down a dimly lit corridor. Then as he starts to go around a corner, out jumps the little guy. He yells happily,

"SUPPLIES!"

LMFAO...........

-Quinn

[specialk]

A very Ugly woman

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.

[ezed]

Mama Mole, Papa Mole, and Baby Mole all live in a little hole.

One morning Papa Mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air,
and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

Then Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and
says, "Yum! I smell strawberry jam!"

Then Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the
air, but he can't because Mama and Papa Mole are both in the way.

He whines, "Jeez, all I can smell is molasses!"

*****
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go
to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells
her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy
says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so
busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the
steering wheel and the seat.

He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because
she didn't have any clothes on.

He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for
help!"

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the
clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"

The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

[lumberjack]

Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?

It's all over town.

[deadrickjame]

why did the siamese twins go to england? So the other one could drive

[TheBigTreesy]

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

















It went down the road and turned into a field

[Jennifer_English]

A baby seal walked into a club........

[partlycloudy]

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1151058525/Funny_Japanese_Pranks

[BeardedOne]

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1151058525/Funny_Japanese_Pranks

The Japanese are sick indiwidjuals.

Gawblessem. :D

[LoadedRevolver66]

A mother and her daughter are walking in the park on a Sunday afternoon, when they behold two teens making out on a park bench.

Being a little girl, the daughter had no idea what was going on. "Mommy, what are those people doing?" she asked.

Not wanting to have a talk about the birds and the bees, the mother said, "they're making cakes, sweetie."

After the park, they went to the town zoo, where they saw all of the animals, including the monkeys, who were having sex. Once again, the daughter is confused.

"Mommy, what are those monkeys doing?"

"They're making cakes, sweetie."

They went home after the zoo, and the entire family fell asleep at the end of a long day. In the morning, the daughter made an interesting contribution to the breakfast conversation.

"Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes in the living room last night?"

This caught mom off guard, because her and dad were indeed fucking in the living room last night. She responds, "how did you know that, sweetie?"

The daughter replys, "Because I licked the frosting off the coffee table."

[blackat]

WHY DID THE PERVERT CROSS THE ROAD? HIS DICK WAS STILL IN THE CHICKEN :lol: :lol: :lol: :P JUST CALL ME BUTTER CAUSE I'M ON A ROLL

[ezed]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

[sjamaica]

a guy walks into a bar. It's empty,save for a great looking woman at the end of the bar and a sign at the front. the sign reads " hand jobs= $10.00
tuna sandwich=$3.00. the guy walks to the woman and asks" are you the barmaid that gives the handjobs?" she replies "yes" the man answers
" go wash your hands, I want a tuna sandwich"

[iluvshemales]

nice one ther ezed :D

well here's a joke from moi. my friends showed me this joke, since they were stumped and didn't get the joke, they asked me if i found it funny. well at first i didn't get it and actually thought that it wasn't a joke at all. yeah stupido of me. but it was in a book that had some great stuff so i thought about the joke a little bit more and got it. and when i did, i found it to be quite hilarious. i explained it to my friends and they agreed with me too. :D u might ask why all the history? well, it's just in case u do the same mistakes my friends and i did and ignore it.

Two cows were eating grass in a meadow. The one on the right asks the one on the left, "Hey, u worried about this mad cow business?"

"Nope" comes the reply.

"How come?"

"'Cause I'm a helicopter!"

:D

[iluvshemales]

well one more form me

i'm writing this from memory so forgive me if i got ti wrong :oops:

A Preist was teaching the Chief of an african village the English language. They would see a tree and he would tell the chief what it was. They would see a rock and he would tell what it was and so on and so forth.
As this teaching was going they saw two people having sex and the chief asked the preist what they were doing? Embarassed, he said, "Um...They are riding a bike." Quickly changing the subject he showed the Chief a bird and they kept moving on, when they saw another pair going at it. The Chief asked again and the preist again dismissed it quickly as another bike ride and the lesson kept moving on.
After a while the two saw another pair having the time of their life. This time it was the priest's assistant and he was throughly embarassed. Before he could explain the Chief gave out a loud yell and ran as fast as his fat legs could carry him and ran the spear he was carrying through the assistant's heart.
Shocked the Preist asked, "Chief, what are u doing?"
The Chief still yelling, "HIM RIDING MY BICYCLE!"

hope u like it :D

[MacShreach]

nice one ther ezed :D

well here's a joke from moi. my friends showed me this joke, since they were stumped and didn't get the joke, they asked me if i found it funny. well at first i didn't get it and actually thought that it wasn't a joke at all. yeah stupido of me. but it was in a book that had some great stuff so i thought about the joke a little bit more and got it. and when i did, i found it to be quite hilarious. i explained it to my friends and they agreed with me too. :D u might ask why all the history? well, it's just in case u do the same mistakes my friends and i did and ignore it.

Two cows were eating grass in a meadow. The one on the right asks the one on the left, "Hey, u worried about this mad cow business?"

"Nope" comes the reply.

"How come?"

"'Cause I'm a helicopter!"

:D


BWAAAHHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

:peanutbutter :peanutbutter :peanutbutter

That's like Billy Connolly's one

"I used to have mad cow disease, but I'm all right noooooooo!"

(Imagine the Scots accent.)

[ezed]

I'm humbled, I'm tired. I don't get it. I love Billy Connelly thou. Tell me where to go to figure this out. The data base in my brain is crashing.

By the way Iluvshemales, I love your posts.

[iluvshemales]

why thank you, ezed :oops:

well they say it ruins a joke when u explain it. but since u asked i'll give a BIG hint :) as u can see at the start of the joke it clearly says that there are two cows in the meadow. so one them saying he is a helicopter must mean that one has got a big screw loose. so therefore what does that imply?

hope that helps

[MacShreach]

I'm humbled, I'm tired. I don't get it. I love Billy Connelly thou. Tell me where to go to figure this out. The data base in my brain is crashing.

By the way Iluvshemales, I love your posts.

If it's the Billy Connolly you don't get, the joke works on the rhyme between "moo" and "noo" (now.)

[ezed]

why thank you, ezed :oops:

well they say it ruins a joke when u explain it. but since u asked i'll give a BIG hint :) as u can see at the start of the joke it clearly says that there are two cows in the meadow. so one them saying he is a helicopter must mean that one has got a big screw loose. so therefore what does that imply?

hope that helps
Now I get it. Thanks and thanks to MacSchreach also. I can see him delivering that line.

[partlycloudy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTM7SihYIzU&search=doug%20williams

[elo]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker “How much?”
Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”
The guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”
The guy says, “What the hell? I’ll give it a try.”
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is 1,000?”
The hooker replies, “$1,500.”
“$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that”.
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, “Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker says, “Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”
“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

[JenESPY]

okay, here's my late contribution...

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

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[franks]

a man has trouble seeing out of his right eye. so he makes an appointment to see his chinese optometrist for an eye exam. after careful examination, the doctor says, " I know what the problem is, you have a cataract." the patient says, "no I don't, I drive a lincoln continental."

[muttley]

I heard this one back when I was still milking.....

One year a cow cockey decides he isn't going to use AI to impregnate his cows. He had a decent enough bull of his own and made the choice to use him instead and save money. A couple of months into the season he notices that none of his cows are getting in calf. So he decides to call up the vet....
"Are you sure its a bull ?" the vet asks him. "Yes I have seen his man bits they are all there and intact." the farmer replied. The vet then asks "Well are your cows actually on heat ?". "Yeah, I can see them riding each other, they definitely on heat." says the farmer. The vet decides he had best come out and have a look see and try to figure out this problem "Have the bull and a couple of cows that are on heat in a paddock near the shed." Upon arrival the vet see the bull standing by himself in the corner of a paddock while there are two cows ridding each other. The vet brings a cow into the shed and ties her up in a bail. He then brings the bull in leads her to the cow lets him have a sniff. Now in normal circumstances the bull would get aroused. But for some reason he doesn't seem interested. So the vet puts on a long glove and sticks his hand up the cow and feels around, checking to see if she is on a false heat. But nope she is cycling normally. The vet pulls his hand out and is about to take the glove off, when an idea comes to him. He walks over too the bull and rubs his hand over the bulls nose. Instantly the bull is rip roaring ready to go. Satisfied the vet writes out an invoice to the farmer and heads off. Later that night on his way home the farmer thinks to himself...hmmmmm, I have similar problems to that bull myself. So that night whe his wife falls asleep he carefully puts his hand up her nightie and gently puts his hand inside her. He pulls it out and rubs his nose. Amazingly enough he cracks a fat one. He quickly wakes his wife who switches on the light. "What did you do to yourself honey ?" she asks him lookijng concerned. "What do you mean ?" asks the farmer. "Your nose is bleeding dear." she replies.

[MrsKellyPierce]

No joked but these guys cracker me up!! and they are pretty darn cute in their own right

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QIqXbi4d3w&NR

[ohioboy]

This joke has relation to the NCAA tourney, if anyone here watches college Bball...

What do you call 2 gay Bob's???

Oral Roberts!! ahahahahahah!

BTW fuck the gators!(yea kelly i said it) Go bucks! its revenge time!!

[Stavros]

Barry Cryer has died at the age of 86. He was one of the funniest men in British comedy, as well as being involved as writer with most of the major comedy acts of the last 60 years. His performances on the BBC Radio show I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue are comedy gold, comedy legend.

“A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at a nearby farmhouse door and a woman answers.“‘I appear to have killed your cockerel,’ he says. ‘I’d like to replace it.’ The woman replies: ‘Please yourself – the hens are round the back.’”

“There’s a priest in the confessional box and someone comes in and sits down behind the screen. After a couple of minutes the person still hasn’t said anything so the priest knocks on the side of the confessional. There’s no response, so a minute later he knocks again and a bloke’s voice says ‘You can knock all you like, there’s no paper in here either.’”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4rlbNRnYFU

[Stavros]

Here is another Cryer classic-

Picasso distubed burglars in his studio but was able to draw them. Police have arrested a horse and two sardines.