Getting over somebody...

[ScottyBabe]

How do you it? Is there an easy way to make yourself stop thinking about them? What do you do when they consume your every thought and even change the way you think about things? Where do you get the energy from that you know you need to muster in order to accept the fact that it's over and no matter what you do, they've changed for good and ain't coming back?

Does it get easier after the first time? Maybe some of you out there who have been there, done it and threw out the T-Shirt could give some words of inspiration... or y'all just playa's and don't get caught up in all this luvvy duvvy bullshit? lol :P

what ya got?

[Alyssa87]

I'm getting over my ex still. its been more than a year. and ive dated a few men since- who i feel nothing for.
So the whole, 'theres no better way to get over one man, than to get under another one' saying doesnt work... for me.

We have had zero communication since November,
then I recently found out thru an out of the blue email that he has another girlfriend now.
Well that put some fire under my ass.
He's really gone and he's not coming back. He's got her now.

[ScottyBabe]

oh no, that sucks. do you ever see a way to be friends with him again?

my ex and i officially split feb '08 but we kept seeing other and got very close to becoming serious again but circumstances outwith my control meant we couldn't be together. then we grew apart slighty and whenever we spoke, it would be awkward. i decided that it would be best if we didn't speak for a while (for her sake actually because she had started to see someone else i couldn't stand the thought of holding her back) and it's killing me not being able to just pick the phone and talk. i so want to believe that we can be friends in the future and leave the door open for any possibility, but even i doubt that now.

can it work to be friends with someone that you used to love so much?

[Jericho]

Grain alcohol! :shrug

[blonde_sweetheart]

Never fall in love!!!!!! There is NO such thing!!!!!

[Alyssa87]

oh no, that sucks. do you ever see a way to be friends with him again?

my ex and i officially split feb '08 but we kept seeing other and got very close to becoming serious again but circumstances outwith my control meant we couldn't be together. then we grew apart slighty and whenever we spoke, it would be awkward. i decided that it would be best if we didn't speak for a while (for her sake actually because she had started to see someone else i couldn't stand the thought of holding her back) and it's killing me not being able to just pick the phone and talk. i so want to believe that we can be friends in the future and leave the door open for any possibility, but even i doubt that now.

can it work to be friends with someone that you used to love so much?

Well we tried to be friends a few months after he dumped me.
We had been really really excited for a long time to see The Dark Night together,
so he called me and asked if i still wanted to see it. After not talking for 2 or 3 months.
Throughout the summer we hung out and saw more movies.
(He sees EVERY movie, he's nuts!)

Anyway, i would try to hug, or kiss, or grab on him like old times
-and NIET- he'd push me away. In the friendliest way u can push someone away.

I had to stop it because it was hurting my feelings.

[BellaBellucci]

How do you it? Is there an easy way to make yourself stop thinking about them? What do you do when they consume your every thought and even change the way you think about things? Where do you get the energy from that you know you need to muster in order to accept the fact that it's over and no matter what you do, they've changed for good and ain't coming back?

Does it get easier after the first time? Maybe some of you out there who have been there, done it and threw out the T-Shirt could give some words of inspiration... or y'all just playa's and don't get caught up in all this luvvy duvvy bullshit? lol :P

what ya got?

Music. Fall in love with a record that speaks to you in when you're in that frame of mind. Listen to it repeatedly all day and memorize every nuance. It'll help you get through the pain and even though it may serve as a reminder of the person in question, it'll also represent your triumph of spirit in getting through a difficult time.

Music will always be there and will never break up with you. :)

And no, there's no friendship with ex's. Don't fall for it. It's a trap.

~BB~

[jaycanuck]

Never gets easier. Especially with me. I've seen betrayal since I was a kid involving family members, straight up to my own life from various women.

The thing is to take as much time as you need. You're the most important person in your life. Unfortunately if it happens enough you put up shields. It's good in a way in that it teaches you to analyze first and act accordingly.

[blonde_sweetheart]

Never gets easier. Especially with me. I've seen betrayal since I was a kid involving family members, straight up to my own life from various women.

The thing is to take as much time as you need. You're the most important person in your life. Unfortunately if it happens enough you put up shields. It's good in a way in that it teaches you to analyze first and act accordingly.

See thats what you get from being "In A Relationship"...BETRAYAL...people should stop fooling themselves about "Love"..it's such a sham!!!!!!

[ScottyBabe]

oh no, that sucks. do you ever see a way to be friends with him again?

my ex and i officially split feb '08 but we kept seeing other and got very close to becoming serious again but circumstances outwith my control meant we couldn't be together. then we grew apart slighty and whenever we spoke, it would be awkward. i decided that it would be best if we didn't speak for a while (for her sake actually because she had started to see someone else i couldn't stand the thought of holding her back) and it's killing me not being able to just pick the phone and talk. i so want to believe that we can be friends in the future and leave the door open for any possibility, but even i doubt that now.

can it work to be friends with someone that you used to love so much?

Well we tried to be friends a few months after he dumped me.
We had been really really excited for a long time to see The Dark Night together,
so he called me and asked if i still wanted to see it. After not talking for 2 or 3 months.
Throughout the summer we hung out and saw more movies.
(He sees EVERY movie, he's nuts!)

Anyway, i would try to hug, or kiss, or grab on him like old times
-and NIET- he'd push me away. In the friendliest way u can push someone away.

I had to stop it because it was hurting my feelings.


that's similar to my situ. anytime i spent time with her i would try and be too familiar, it was soo easy. she agreed. but as time went on she became more distant so i stopped. but in my mind i hope that when i'm in the same place as her (she's just enjoying being single and care free atm) we could become friends, but it's this waiting that's killing me. do you think if you were in the same place as him you could be buddies or would it always be too painful, alyssa?

and music has been a tremendous help BellaBellucci. getting lost in music is keeping me sane at the moment, lol. you never really realise the power of music until you're in a bad place and then it hits you like an arrow. i'd be lost without just a couple of songs that are very dear to me.

blonde_sweetheart - i'd have to disagree with you there, although i feel shite just now, i'm so glad i got to experience such love and closeness and openess to someone else, i don't think anything comes close....except maybe whacking off 11 times a day.... lol K/O :P

scott

[ScottyBabe]

Never gets easier. Especially with me. I've seen betrayal since I was a kid involving family members, straight up to my own life from various women.

The thing is to take as much time as you need. You're the most important person in your life. Unfortunately if it happens enough you put up shields. It's good in a way in that it teaches you to analyze first and act accordingly.

See thats what you get from being "In A Relationship"...BETRAYAL...people should stop fooling themselves about "Love"..it's such a sham!!!!!!

but one day you might find someone that won't betray you. and then you'll miss the oppertunity to be happy with someone because you assume it's always going to end the same way. always leave an open door for all the possibilities.

[jaycanuck]

Never gets easier. Especially with me. I've seen betrayal since I was a kid involving family members, straight up to my own life from various women.

The thing is to take as much time as you need. You're the most important person in your life. Unfortunately if it happens enough you put up shields. It's good in a way in that it teaches you to analyze first and act accordingly.

See thats what you get from being "In A Relationship"...BETRAYAL...people should stop fooling themselves about "Love"..it's such a sham!!!!!!

Well that being said there are many good times that I wouldn't replace for the world. Relationships are kind of weird. The good outweighs the bad...but as my design college professor said (this is regarding design work but it translates here), people remember you for the bad stuff.

I won't stop dating or looking...but each subsequent time makes you more logical and rational.

[blonde_sweetheart]

Never gets easier. Especially with me. I've seen betrayal since I was a kid involving family members, straight up to my own life from various women.

The thing is to take as much time as you need. You're the most important person in your life. Unfortunately if it happens enough you put up shields. It's good in a way in that it teaches you to analyze first and act accordingly.

See thats what you get from being "In A Relationship"...BETRAYAL...people should stop fooling themselves about "Love"..it's such a sham!!!!!!

but one day you might find someone that won't betray you. and then you'll miss the oppertunity to be happy with someone because you assume it's always going to end the same way. always leave an open door for all the possibilities.

I've never been betrayed myself by a boyfriend..but I've seen it happen.I've never been in a relationship with a guy...and thats the way I like it!!! Thats why I also don't have any friends,they can only let you down!!!I don't want a relationship...I've never been pretty enough or good enough for any guy so FUCK 'EM who needs them anyways!! Same with friends...I don't need them cause I can do it all alone.

[jaycanuck]

I've never been betrayed myself by a boyfriend..but I've seen it happen.I've never been in a relationship with a guy...and thats the way I like it!!! Thats why I also don't have any friends,they can only let you down!!!I don't want a relationship...I've never been pretty enough or good enough for any guy so FUCK 'EM who needs them anyways!! Same with friends...I don't need them cause I can do it all alone.

A guy will want to be with you eventually...trust me. I see the comments on your myspace. They're interested. You're only 18. I'm 34 and still dealing with this stuff. lol. I'm sure I'll be 60 and dealing with it. Everyone goes through it.

[Alyssa87]

oh no, that sucks. do you ever see a way to be friends with him again?

my ex and i officially split feb '08 but we kept seeing other and got very close to becoming serious again but circumstances outwith my control meant we couldn't be together. then we grew apart slighty and whenever we spoke, it would be awkward. i decided that it would be best if we didn't speak for a while (for her sake actually because she had started to see someone else i couldn't stand the thought of holding her back) and it's killing me not being able to just pick the phone and talk. i so want to believe that we can be friends in the future and leave the door open for any possibility, but even i doubt that now.

can it work to be friends with someone that you used to love so much?

Well we tried to be friends a few months after he dumped me.
We had been really really excited for a long time to see The Dark Night together,
so he called me and asked if i still wanted to see it. After not talking for 2 or 3 months.
Throughout the summer we hung out and saw more movies.
(He sees EVERY movie, he's nuts!)

Anyway, i would try to hug, or kiss, or grab on him like old times
-and NIET- he'd push me away. In the friendliest way u can push someone away.

I had to stop it because it was hurting my feelings.


that's similar to my situ. anytime i spent time with her i would try and be too familiar, it was soo easy. she agreed. but as time went on she became more distant so i stopped. but in my mind i hope that when i'm in the same place as her (she's just enjoying being single and care free atm) we could become friends, but it's this waiting that's killing me. do you think if you were in the same place as him you could be buddies or would it always be too painful, alyssa?


scott

in the same place as him emotionally, or like living together?
if u mean emotionaly, how do u mean?

[ScottyBabe]

Never gets easier. Especially with me. I've seen betrayal since I was a kid involving family members, straight up to my own life from various women.

The thing is to take as much time as you need. You're the most important person in your life. Unfortunately if it happens enough you put up shields. It's good in a way in that it teaches you to analyze first and act accordingly.

See thats what you get from being "In A Relationship"...BETRAYAL...people should stop fooling themselves about "Love"..it's such a sham!!!!!!

but one day you might find someone that won't betray you. and then you'll miss the oppertunity to be happy with someone because you assume it's always going to end the same way. always leave an open door for all the possibilities.

I've never been betrayed myself by a boyfriend..but I've seen it happen.I've never been in a relationship with a guy...and thats the way I like it!!! Thats why I also don't have any friends,they can only let you down!!!I don't want a relationship...I've never been pretty enough or good enough for any guy so FUCK 'EM who needs them anyways!! Same with friends...I don't need them cause I can do it all alone.

well, i admire your strength and ability to deal with life's obstacles by yourself. sometimes i wish i could do that. but if you gave it a go, you never know, you might like it. i used to think i wouldn't like broccolli because most people said it wasn't nice, now i can't get enough of that fluffly little green vegetable....

[raiku9909]

not to be all taoist but you need the bad for the good to mean anything.

every mistake i've made in a relationship has helped me be a better man the next time around. every time someone has betrayed me i've been able to learn the signs and get away from people who exhibit those behaviors.

as for you Ash, i'm sorry things have been rough for you so far, but i guarantee you things will get better.

[jaycanuck]

not to be all taoist but you need the bad for the good to mean anything.

every mistake i've made in a relationship has helped me be a better man the next time around. every time someone has betrayed me i've been able to learn the signs and get away from people who exhibit those behaviors.

as for you Ash, i'm sorry things have been rough for you so far, but i guarantee you things will get better.

+1

[BellaBellucci]

not to be all taoist but you need the bad for the good to mean anything.

every mistake i've made in a relationship has helped me be a better man the next time around. every time someone has betrayed me i've been able to learn the signs and get away from people who exhibit those behaviors.

as for you Ash, i'm sorry things have been rough for you so far, but i guarantee you things will get better.

While you're right, I still don't like that philosophy. It implies that your relationships with some of the people you love were just practice. Sort of like the idea of a 'starter wife.'

~BB~

[ScottyBabe]

oh no, that sucks. do you ever see a way to be friends with him again?

my ex and i officially split feb '08 but we kept seeing other and got very close to becoming serious again but circumstances outwith my control meant we couldn't be together. then we grew apart slighty and whenever we spoke, it would be awkward. i decided that it would be best if we didn't speak for a while (for her sake actually because she had started to see someone else i couldn't stand the thought of holding her back) and it's killing me not being able to just pick the phone and talk. i so want to believe that we can be friends in the future and leave the door open for any possibility, but even i doubt that now.

can it work to be friends with someone that you used to love so much?

Well we tried to be friends a few months after he dumped me.
We had been really really excited for a long time to see The Dark Night together,
so he called me and asked if i still wanted to see it. After not talking for 2 or 3 months.
Throughout the summer we hung out and saw more movies.
(He sees EVERY movie, he's nuts!)

Anyway, i would try to hug, or kiss, or grab on him like old times
-and NIET- he'd push me away. In the friendliest way u can push someone away.

I had to stop it because it was hurting my feelings.


that's similar to my situ. anytime i spent time with her i would try and be too familiar, it was soo easy. she agreed. but as time went on she became more distant so i stopped. but in my mind i hope that when i'm in the same place as her (she's just enjoying being single and care free atm) we could become friends, but it's this waiting that's killing me. do you think if you were in the same place as him you could be buddies or would it always be too painful, alyssa?


scott

in the same place as him emotionally, or like living together?
if u mean emotionaly, how do u mean?

emotionally. like, my ex doesn't want a relationship just now and i do. so being friends is too difficult. but i'd like to think if i were in the same place as her, once i'm over her that is, a friendship could work. i guess what i'm saying is i'm trying to hold on to some sort of hope for us, that we can be ok. is that similar for you or have you all but let go of that ideal now?

[Alyssa87]

that's similar to my situ. anytime i spent time with her i would try and be too familiar, it was soo easy. she agreed. but as time went on she became more distant so i stopped. but in my mind i hope that when i'm in the same place as her (she's just enjoying being single and care free atm) we could become friends, but it's this waiting that's killing me. do you think if you were in the same place as him you could be buddies or would it always be too painful, alyssa?


scott

in the same place as him emotionally, or like living together?
if u mean emotionaly, how do u mean?

emotionally. like, my ex doesn't want a relationship just now and i do. so being friends is too difficult. but i'd like to think if i were in the same place as her, once i'm over her that is, a friendship could work. i guess what i'm saying is i'm trying to hold on to some sort of hope for us, that we can be ok. is that similar for you or have you all but let go of that ideal now?

oh. well if i was able to, i'd be glad to be friends.
We were hands-down best friends for the bulk of the time we were together.

[raiku9909]

While you're right, I still don't like that philosophy. It implies that your relationships with some of the people you love were just practice. Sort of like the idea of a 'starter wife.'

~BB~

I can see your point. I don't want to imply that it's necessary to have bad relationships first before something can work. Also, there are parts of my that have been indelibly altered by everyone I love, so I'll always carry that with me. I wouldn't call that practice so much as just living life I guess.

[ScottyBabe]

that's similar to my situ. anytime i spent time with her i would try and be too familiar, it was soo easy. she agreed. but as time went on she became more distant so i stopped. but in my mind i hope that when i'm in the same place as her (she's just enjoying being single and care free atm) we could become friends, but it's this waiting that's killing me. do you think if you were in the same place as him you could be buddies or would it always be too painful, alyssa?


scott

in the same place as him emotionally, or like living together?
if u mean emotionaly, how do u mean?

emotionally. like, my ex doesn't want a relationship just now and i do. so being friends is too difficult. but i'd like to think if i were in the same place as her, once i'm over her that is, a friendship could work. i guess what i'm saying is i'm trying to hold on to some sort of hope for us, that we can be ok. is that similar for you or have you all but let go of that ideal now?

oh. well if i was able to, i'd be glad to be friends.
We were hands-down best friends for the bulk of the time we were together.

so were we, that's why i hope we can find a way to be ok again in the future. people like that dnt come around too often. i've got my fingers crossed for you!

[Alyssa87]

likewise scottybabe

[raiku9909]

good luck to both of you. i've never really been able to go back to being friends with anyone i've really loved. we can keep things civil but my god my brain/heart starts working in overtime if i am around them for too long.

[BellaBellucci]

While you're right, I still don't like that philosophy. It implies that your relationships with some of the people you love were just practice. Sort of like the idea of a 'starter wife.'

~BB~

I can see your point. I don't want to imply that it's necessary to have bad relationships first before something can work. Also, there are parts of my that have been indelibly altered by everyone I love, so I'll always carry that with me. I wouldn't call that practice so much as just living life I guess.

Melancholy, isn't it? lol

~BB~

[raiku9909]

c'est la vie. c'est la guerre.

[ScottyBabe]

good luck to both of you. i've never really been able to go back to being friends with anyone i've really loved. we can keep things civil but my god my brain/heart starts working in overtime if i am around them for too long.

cheers man. i hope to christ i can keep mine in control, i'd rather try and do that than never be able to talk to them again. silence like that can feel like an eternity. and i don't like long queues.

scott

[raybbaby]

It's not gonna work dude. That's not to say you can't be friendly with this person and chat when you run into each other, but to try and stay in a situation where you're constantly or just regularly in contact with this person is not a split/break up at all. It just means she's stopped having sex with you. Which is probably for a reason. Be honest and fair to yourself, and move on. It'll hurt for a while, these things always do. But you'll never be able to really move on if you don't do just that, and move on.

[ScottyBabe]

It's not gonna work dude. That's not to say you can't be friendly with this person and chat when you run into each other, but to try and stay in a situation where you're constantly or just regularly in contact with this person is not a split/break up at all. It just means she's stopped having sex with you. Which is probably for a reason. Be honest and fair to yourself, and move on. It'll hurt for a while, these things always do. But you'll never be able to really move on if you don't do just that, and move on.

i know what your saying is true, but it's not like i'm holding out for her. when i find someone else, be it serious or not, i'll be in a better postion to be friends. but i'm not letting be the be all and end all. i think if two people have that connection (not sexually) then it's worth fighting for. i hope so anyway.

[BLKGSXR]

ok to the op.Every break-up is hard on some people unless they truly wanted it. I mean shit I got shit from 5 years ago still bugging me on a regular basis-my ex and me broke up of course but she rebounds with my best friend-who myself and his older brother beat the fuck out of for his actions-So I mean all I personally can say is try and block any good memories out of your head about them and move on to the next person-Being human sucks at times because if your close to someone those Memories become part of you.

[MrsKellyPierce]

The hardest part is letting go, but I think you must realize if you loved the person like you say you would only want them to be happy...with you or with out you.

And realize love doesn't die if it is real love and not just lust. If the person is willing to let you go and not try to work things out then that should be answer enough to move on. Someone that loves you will stay in the good times as well as bad. Relationships are complicated, they aren't always going to be filled with sunshine. Dedication, loyalty, communicaton, and understanding will be the only way to keep someone. Knowing your own worth, and not letting them be your whole life is another.

I also find that bullshit to rush out and start dating again or having sex again. You just end up missing your ex more, comparing the new person to them, and feel horrible about yourself in the end. I think if you take up a hobby you like to do helps, surround yourself with a support system that understands, and if it was a bad break up don't be scared to talk to a professional that may actually be able to help you through with venting, workshops, and other means. I am in counseling now for self confidence, dating life, and losses in my life I have never really dealt with. I feel more a sense of control and clarity since seeing my counselor. The answers were there I was just not looking hard enough.

Also love is about taking chances, risks, and showing your all. And if you are so jaded to believe every person is the same you need to work through your own issues before trying another relationship out. It isn't fair to you or your possible partner.

[Jericho]

I've never been betrayed myself by a boyfriend..but I've seen it happen.I've never been in a relationship with a guy...and thats the way I like it!!! Thats why I also don't have any friends,they can only let you down!!!I don't want a relationship...I've never been pretty enough or good enough for any guy so FUCK 'EM who needs them anyways!! Same with friends...I don't need them cause I can do it all alone.

Not even *my* jaded cynacism can let *that* pass without commment.
When you're in your 90's (should you live so long), and you come back and tell us that, *then*, i *might* believe you!
And i'll feel sorry for you and your wasted life.

[blonde_sweetheart]

I've never been betrayed myself by a boyfriend..but I've seen it happen.I've never been in a relationship with a guy...and thats the way I like it!!! Thats why I also don't have any friends,they can only let you down!!!I don't want a relationship...I've never been pretty enough or good enough for any guy so FUCK 'EM who needs them anyways!! Same with friends...I don't need them cause I can do it all alone.

Not even *my* jaded cynacism can let *that* pass without commment.
When you're in your 90's (should you live so long), and you come back and tell us that, *then*, i *might* believe you!
And i'll feel sorry for you and your wasted life.

Hah me too! You know,I might get shit for saying this but for me the worst part is talking to other transsexuals.Because I've never talked to another girl who has been in the same position as me.That just makes me feel so much more alone because I realize the problem ISNT with being T...it's obviously something wrong with ME..as a person.I'm too ugly or I'm not interesting or I dress ugly..or all of them!But especailly that I'm ugly,I never even get hit on!I just hate when people tell me to be more positive..I mean WHY should I..I've never been given a reason to think I'm worth any guys time or attention or love.

[rockabilly]

Ashley your not ugly , i dont know anything else to say ... you are a lovely young lady. :)



And to answer the OP's question. There's no easy answer or quick solutions , just take it day by day.
" It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all "

[gamma aries]

Dry your eyes mate :-/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHOf3s70w-c

[ScottyBabe]

The hardest part is letting go, but I think you must realize if you loved the person like you say you would only want them to be happy...with you or with out you.

And realize love doesn't die if it is real love and not just lust. If the person is willing to let you go and not try to work things out then that should be answer enough to move on. Someone that loves you will stay in the good times as well as bad. Relationships are complicated, they aren't always going to be filled with sunshine. Dedication, loyalty, communicaton, and understanding will be the only way to keep someone. Knowing your own worth, and not letting them be your whole life is another.

I also find that bullshit to rush out and start dating again or having sex again. You just end up missing your ex more, comparing the new person to them, and feel horrible about yourself in the end. I think if you take up a hobby you like to do helps, surround yourself with a support system that understands, and if it was a bad break up don't be scared to talk to a professional that may actually be able to help you through with venting, workshops, and other means. I am in counseling now for self confidence, dating life, and losses in my life I have never really dealt with. I feel more a sense of control and clarity since seeing my counselor. The answers were there I was just not looking hard enough.

Also love is about taking chances, risks, and showing your all. And if you are so jaded to believe every person is the same you need to work through your own issues before trying another relationship out. It isn't fair to you or your possible partner.

that was really helpful kelly, thank you.

although my ex and i are taking some time apart just now, i know it's best for her because she's trying to find herself. she always relied on other people (and for two and a half years, me) to make her feel better. now she's finally found a way to do it on her own, and i'm more than happy to let her continue doing what she feels is best for her. she's told me she cares for me, albeit in a different way from than what i'm used to. so far as i know, she's confident that we're going to be ok (whether we end up together or not) i just wish i could stop missing her so much. i've eaten so many pistachio nuts in the past 3 months it's ridiculous! i keep busy, i've got my cars to occupy my time, but i'm still trying to deal with that feeling you get when your on your own at night when you would usually be cuddling up to them.

i think i need to give myself a shake :P. i'm glad i've got all you lovely ladies to keep me occupied, lol.

S