lets get serious for a second...

[RubyTS]

i have a serious question and i've been wonderring if anyone feels the same or if i should go see a psych.....

I've noticed that i have a problem with emotions. While most girls tend to feel extreme highs and lows, ive noticed my emotions are very bland. I never feel really happy, or really sad, or really angry.... and there are times when i really should, and i ask myself y??? Im usually pretty laid back, but there are times when something might happen and i KNOW i should feel a certain way but i DONT! I have a hard time offerring comfort to someone who need a shoulder to cry on, or showing sympathy, and i know it comes off to people like im kinda prudish, but it just makes me feel terribly uncomfortable. Hugging someone when they're crying just feels so unnatural to me. When im having a conversation with someone im always wonderring what their thinking... I do a really good job of displaying emotions but its usually forced. I dunno. I really dont know what to make of this. I want so badly to feel again! I have no idea how long its been since i laughed til my stomach hurt and rolled around the floor with tears in my eyes, or was extremely excited by something, or jealous, or angry. My mood basically fluctuates from ok... to bored and thats pretty much it...

[Alyssa87]

that sounds a bit like a slight mental disorder.
a psych would be a good idea i think.

[BLKGSXR]

that sounds a bit like a slight mental disorder.
a psych would be a good idea i think.I reffered her ot dr GSXR-Great in Inspecting the internal of a body. :D lol saw the op to addd that rubes....
Rubes check this I think that not getting mad is cool and being happy is better too. So try at that and youll be golden :D

[tstv_lover]

Many people are the same Ruby.

Sometimes a significant event in someone's life - like a close relative or friend dying - can cause of emotional system to put up barriers to protect us from that event, and this can stay in place for years. Can you think of any event that might have impacted you in this manner?

Also, think of the last time you really had a belly laugh. Can you remember what caused it? Maybe your lifestyle has changed to avoid these situations now.

It would be worth discussing this with a psychiatrist. Although I work in the mental health field I know the limitations of my knowledge :)

Like I said, there are many - probably many in HA - with the same situation. One thing I know for sure, the fact that started this thread shows that you're ready to change. Congratulations on taking this step.

[idiot savant]

to tell the truth,i feel that way at times.I feel..well mundane. it's kinda weird,and I thought I
was an isolated case,but I guees I was wrong.

[RubyTS]

Many people are the same Ruby.

Sometimes a significant event in someone's life - like a close relative or friend dying - can cause of emotional system to put up barriers to protect us from that event, and this can stay in place for years. Can you think of any event that might have impacted you in this manner?

Also, think of the last time you really had a belly laugh. Can you remember what caused it? Maybe your lifestyle has changed to avoid these situations now.

It would be worth discussing this with a psychiatrist. Although I work in the mental health field I know the limitations of my knowledge :)

Like I said, there are many - probably many in HA - with the same situation. One thing I know for sure, the fact that started this thread shows that you're ready to change. Congratulations on taking this step.

Thank u
Its like i yearn for more but im so sick of disapointment
I know this is kind of a really personal topic but its just really been botherring me and i would prefer not to bug my friends with my issues. Most of them couldn't offer legitimate advice anyhow. \

I've been feeling this way for a long time now, like i'd rather be safe than sorry, never 100% opening up to anyone i guess because i've been turned out by a lot of people i allowed into my life. But i do remember when my mom passed away. It was very akward because i knew that i was supposed to be sad, and i truly was, but my reason for crying wasn't because she passed, it was because i was so angry with myself for not being able to feel the pain. My friends crack jokes and they all laugh so hard, and i cant... i try, i dunno im very confused

[ralph dibny]

My father was a very austere and old fashioned man, so I´ve learned to restrain my emotions since I was a child. It was very difficult to get free from that pattern. How would I expect someone to hold me if I can´t hold that person when she/he needs? It took me years to realize that I had to show my feeling and my needs first to myself, then to the others. And if something is important to me, I don´t care if I´m gonna be crucified abouth that. Now I´m confortable with myself. If I want to fuck a tranny or suck her cock, I just do it.
So Ruby, it was sweet from you to share your doubts with us, but I think it´s time for you to look inside yourself and think about what do you really want or need to be happy. There must be something missing in your life, don´t be afraid to find what is.

[JohnnyWalkerBlackLabel]

My friends crack jokes and they all laugh so hard, and i cant... i try, i dunno im very confused

edited: I misread what you typed

normally I would have an answer for something like this but I'm not going to bore the board with my opinion(s)

JWBL

[RubyTS]

My friends crack jokes and they all laugh so hard, and i cant... i try, i dunno im very confused

edited: I misread what you typed

normally I would have an answer for something like this but I'm not going to bore the board with my opinion(s)

JWBL

u misunderstood jw, they dont laugh at my situation. Most my friends dont even know i feel like this. i was just remembering a situation where i was in my house with some friends and they were laughing about something.. i dont remember what. I found it funny but i basically just giggled while they were goin off laughing for like 5 mins.

[RubyTS]

i would apprecviate ur feedbak tho, if not for everyone else on the board, then 4 me. im trying to make sense of this.

[Danielle Foxx]

Ammmm, we are all crazy baby girl. It's hard to find people you can really trust in this day in age. I am like a magnet for some odd reason and it seems sometimes I forgot how to honestly care.

I can understand. My doctor believes in the re-introduction of testosterone to help with mood and energy but not enough to grow hair on your chest.

He believes that the psych and hormones are linked. Kind of an old belief but it come in handy when u have all this energy to burn.

Lately I haven't really felt too good myself. It's that time of the month - or decade in my case

[RubyTS]

Ammmm, we are all crazy baby girl. It's hard to find people you can really trust in this day in age.

and im thinking thats the main issue. i remember throughout highschool i was so happy go lucky. the kid who always made everyone laugh. Now im all mopey and dopey.. i find myself constantly thinking about "the good old days" and thats when i smile a genuine smile. When i think back to thundercats, silverhawks, and bionic six (lol) those r the times when things were so simple. I've made the effort to remove all negative people from my life. u know how everyone have those friends that they surround themselves with just because they dont wanna be alone, but u know damn well u couldn't trust them with something serious. I've even made an effort into contacting people who knew me during my "better days" Old high school friends that i can totally just be myself around. I feel like if i surround myself with that kind of energy things will change. maybe i'll find that ZEST again...

[astridgirl]

Hey Ruby

Went through that for years now where I am just apathetic about so much actually.

I think after you go through years of stuff most people will never have to deal with on a daily basis your emotional headroom is depleted to a point you just dont have much emotion to give.

Most of us our bodies are a freaking chemistry experiment and I truly believe being a tgurl exposes you to many mental conundrums and situations that on a daily basis most people will never have to deal with or donate mental energy.

I agree with Danielle though that adjusting hormones and such can make a difference but I found when I didnt feel anything that talking to a good therapist helped me see things that my normal introspective self couldnt see. That and anti depressants for a while helped pull me out so at least I could realize the real emotions were still there.

Just wanted to say I understand and have been there and many days am still there. Just dont have the energy to care that much since I am trying to care for myself and family members.

Cheers

Astrid

[LTR_Seeker]

then that youre diffrence ruby you giggled they had big laughter that nothing wrong with you your showerd your emtion which was the giggle they was huge laughing

[JohnnyWalkerBlackLabel]

Chat or PM's I won't be discussing my thoughts here

[droog]

n/m.

[GPrime]

A few thoughts:

1) The body and mind are connected. Irregularities in body chemistry, which would include anything from hormones to blood sugar to nutrient deficiencies, can have a pretty significant impact on our neural function. I am in no way suggesting that there is a biological cause for all of your issues, but if your body isn't fully healthy then it can't effectively cope with things and what would otherwise be a mild psychological problem can become a more serious one. A visit to your doctor and and a good Dietician (different from a Nutritionist) might be helpful.

2) Focus on what you do feel, not on what you think you are supposed to feel. Most people mask their true feelings anyways, so what you think everyone else is feeling probably isn't accurate.

3) If you're just experiencing a general "flatness" or numbness of emotion this is, based on what limited psychological knowledge I have, generally indicative of a deep rooted issue or group of issues and would probably be best served by starting therapy. I would avoid medication unless your psychiatrist views it as absolutely necessarily, and certainly till after you've verified that there's nothing else that could be tried first (see Point 1).

Depression can often result in the sort of emotional "blahness" that you describe, as can the trauma of various sorts. It could be you just have some childhood issues that need to be resolved before you can break down your emotional walls.

In any case, talking will help.

[MacShreach]

I've made the effort to remove all negative people from my life. u know how everyone have those friends that they surround themselves with just because they dont wanna be alone, but u know damn well u couldn't trust them with something serious. I've even made an effort into contacting people who knew me during my "better days" Old high school friends that i can totally just be myself around. I feel like if i surround myself with that kind of energy things will change. maybe i'll find that ZEST again...

Ruby, you know you're a very sweet, lovely girl, don't you? I'm not being a schmuck, either.

I do have the advantage on you in years and have had a good deal of personal tragedy in life, and yes, times when life was very flat. With that behind me, in all honesty it sounds to me like you are suffering from depression. It's very pervasive and corrosive, is depression, it eats away at your life.

If you will permit me I would give you this advice: almost always, at the root of a depression, is a feeling of lack of self-worth; that one has failed, is not as good as one had hoped, has missed opportunities. And the feeling that time has passed and the chance will never come again. Looking fondly into the disappeared past as you have been doing is a pretty good clue.

Well, your life is not in the past but in the future, and if you did miss anything, it doesn't matter because, my dear, you have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. (Actually, just get that Louis Armstrong song and play it a few times.)

You are a lovely person. You really are. But it's no use me saying that, you have to believe that. The key to loving life is in yourself.

I would suggest that you start by making little achievements. I don't know what your background is, what you do in real life, but find something-- maybe a sport or pastime--maybe you like to sing or dance--maybe go to night-school. Find something, but here is the important bit, something that is achievable. Start with little baby-steps. Then work at it and do it, sharing that with others.

If you like to sing the blues (don't get me started) find someone who plays a bit and jam some blues. At first it will be awful but soon it will get better. If you like to draw, start drawing. Take a night class. At first it will be pretty rough, but after a while...Maybe you like to play squash or lift weights....go and play or to the gym. At first you'll be beaten out of sight, but after a while....Do you see where I'm going with this? By working towards goals that you can achieve you will bolster your sense of self-worth, your confidence, everything--and then one day you'll look round and say "What was that old fool Mac on about--I'm fine, life's a blast!"

Therapy may help, but remember, a lot of therapists make a lot of money out of things that are already inside you.

Good luck and be happy

M

[Tika]

I guess nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the room, so I will.

You're a whore.

That's pretty much the root of all your problems. You're emotionally burned out on being used by men for sex. You have to fake emotions in order to be "happy" to see them. You probably worry about being ripped off, about STD's, about whether or not anyone knows you're a TS, about losing your apartment, etc.

Everyone else lives a "normal" life, they go to work, talk about their jobs with friends, go on vacations with their families, have hobbies, etc. Do you? No. Your self-worth is tied to your appearance, your ability to be a warm tight hole for men to fuck and then walk away. The normal emotional fulfillment from intimate relationships is gone, because you've turned it into a cash machine.

Got any retirement plans set up? Probably not. Your money goes to cosmetic surgery, designer handbags, perfume, god knows what else. You're pissing away your future to look good now for men that don't give a shit about you. They just want a hole to fuck.

You could be depressed, but it's far more likely that you're dying emotionally due to your "job". Get out of the business. Do something you love and that you can be proud of. You'll feel better about yourself when you're a person again, not a chunk of meat.

Everyone's free to jump on me now for saying what needed to be said. I'd apologize for not pandering to you and telling you "there there, it's okay muffin, you're just having a rough day" but... I don't apologize for telling the truth.

[Azrial]

i feel exactly the same way. to the point where i 'pretend' to be compassionate and caring. it's really frustrating to feel as if your not feeling emotion as naturally as most people do.

sometimes i feel as if you could live a more effective life without these emotions. it helps me focus more on logic, and handling situations in a rational manner without letting emotional factors come into play.

i'm still trying to figure the whole thing out myself Ruby, so if i figure it out i'll let you know!

[MacShreach]

<snip>

That's pretty much the root of all your problems. <snip>
Everyone's free to jump on me now for saying what needed to be said. <snip>.

Well, usually I would, but out of deference to Ruby's feelings, I won't. No-one in their right minds denies that the risk of burn out and emotional problems for people working in the sex trade is high, but that is not necessarily the cause of Ruby's issue, and frankly, such a blanket statement from you tells me only that you're working from another agenda.

There are many examples of women in the sex business who still have a positive outlook.

Ruby, you might like to talk to Gloria, who works in London-- she posts here as IronWoman or something like.

Very positive attitude. And still in the business.

Tika, if you want to come back at me, feel free, but do it somewhere else, outside Ruby's thread.

[Danielle Foxx]

I guess nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the room, so I will.

You're a whore.

That's pretty much the root of all your problems. You're emotionally burned out on being used by men for sex. You have to fake emotions in order to be "happy" to see them. You probably worry about being ripped off, about STD's, about whether or not anyone knows you're a TS, about losing your apartment, etc.

Everyone else lives a "normal" life, they go to work, talk about their jobs with friends, go on vacations with their families, have hobbies, etc. Do you? No. Your self-worth is tied to your appearance, your ability to be a warm tight hole for men to fuck and then walk away. The normal emotional fulfillment from intimate relationships is gone, because you've turned it into a cash machine.

Got any retirement plans set up? Probably not. Your money goes to cosmetic surgery, designer handbags, perfume, god knows what else. You're pissing away your future to look good now for men that don't give a shit about you. They just want a hole to fuck.

You could be depressed, but it's far more likely that you're dying emotionally due to your "job". Get out of the business. Do something you love and that you can be proud of. You'll feel better about yourself when you're a person again, not a chunk of meat.

Everyone's free to jump on me now for saying what needed to be said. I'd apologize for not pandering to you and telling you "there there, it's okay muffin, you're just having a rough day" but... I don't apologize for telling the truth.

Do you see what I mean girl? People like this make our life a bit more difficult but don't worry they are like 1 grain of sand in the big hour glass of life. In small numbers they mean nothing really. YOu can brush them off your shoulders pretty easily, but after a while they weigh on you.

Don't listen to any of what these low lives think. Your heart is the most important thing to me and to a lot of people in here and I don't know you personally but a great friend once told me:

You are not a whore - you just do adult sessions. Whores are people who cheat others out of money or happiness and this last poster was obviously one of them.

Ih his/her disapproval of him/herself it is obvious where the anger is. Some people get angry at the fact we honestly understand ourselves and have the emotional awareness of 1000 past lives. This angers those who are not well in their own skin.

Being a whore as he/she put it is "wrong" however in this case he meant to say that just because you are a whore you are not a stable and good person. Correct me if I am wrong but I thought passing judgement on others was also whorish behavior.

Any way I am ranting...

I don't know you personally but the little grains of sand make a mountain but don't look at the big picture, just lift one grain at at time and one day you will have moved that mountain.

Go easy on yourself - you are a great girl

Am I getting too deep here for you Tika?

[Danielle Foxx]

One more thing...

I dedicate this song to ya: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8EEnFvynzI

I am not sure if you read but here are a couple of self awareness books that really get me through some hardships.

"Awakening the heros within " Carol S. Pearson

" The seat of the soul " Gary Zukav ( Ophra's book club )

[RubyTS]

thanks everyone you guys have offered some pretty good advice and now that i had a good nights rest i was able to really focus on my problem. Tika, your post was riddled with judgement and generalizations. Although u may have made some valid points, you could have said it in a less harsh manner. Way to try to kick a person while their down.. is that what makes u feel better about yourself?

I do have plans for my future, and i do have a famly who loves and accepts me. I have a gr8 support system, i guess a part of me is dealing with self worth issues, but i don't believe its because of my escorting. I actually enjoy my work! I believe one of the issues is due to constant bludgening to transexuals by society, and the NON clients who feel that transexuals should be lucky to be with THEM! Ppl who look at us like we are at the bottom of society's totum pole. When im with my clients is when i feel in control and appreciated for what i am. the only time i feel accepted for WHO i am is when im hanging out with my family or childhood friends. Im so frustrated with ignorance that i avoid society as much as possible. I have formed goals for myself and accomplished them, and yes this does help! But then it's over, and whats next? Maybe i need to feel more productive, Maybe i need to find a man whos interested in me for me and not just sex, maybe im just sick of being constantly judged by people....

[RubyTS]

Do you see what I mean girl? People like this make our life a bit more difficult but don't worry they are like 1 grain of sand in the big hour glass of life. In small numbers they mean nothing really. YOu can brush them off your shoulders pretty easily, but after a while they weigh on you.

Hit the nail on the head w that. Its ignorance like that which aggrivates me
Thank you danielle i think im going to check out those books.

[Danielle Foxx]

thanks everyone you guys have offered some pretty good advice and now that i had a good nights rest i was able to really focus on my problem. Tika, your post was riddled with judgement and generalizations. Although u may have made some valid points, you could have said it in a less harsh manner. Way to try to kick a person while their down.. is that what makes u feel better about yourself?

I do have plans for my future, and i do have a famly who loves and accepts me. I have a gr8 support system, i guess a part of me is dealing with self worth issues, but i don't believe its because of my escorting. I actually enjoy my work! I believe one of the issues is due to constant bludgening to transexuals by society, and the NON clients who feel that transexuals should be lucky to be with THEM! Ppl who look at us like we are at the bottom of society's totum pole. When im with my clients is when i feel in control and appreciated for what i am. the only time i feel accepted for WHO i am is when im hanging out with my family or childhood friends. Im so frustrated with ignorance that i avoid society as much as possible. I have formed goals for myself and accomplished them, and yes this does help! But then it's over, and whats next? Maybe i need to feel more productive, Maybe i need to find a man whos interested in me for me and not just sex, maybe im just sick of being constantly judged by people....

Yes girl, self worth. I have a problem with that as well. It's tough to always question people's intentions. It eats me up sometimes to tell you the truth. That has to come from years of just that... But every since I was little this has been happening and I do go to a therapist and take zoloft to help me cope.

[RubyTS]

Thanx 4 sharing that. it kinda makes me feel a lil better to know that im not alone in this.

[bte]

I went through the same things you were going through at one point in my life. I went on vacation for four years by joining the military. I am not telling you to join the military, but it helped me out. Perhaps you just need to take a nice vacation and soak up sun and drink Long Island Iced Teas, because they are delicious.

[BeardedOne]

Hi Ms. Ruby.

Always one for controversy and intellectual discussion aren't you? :)

I can relate a bit to what you said in your opening post. You've met me and have seen that I can be a pretty upbeat person, but I have times when I wonder if it's just an act on my part. To the other extreme I have difficulty dealing with people and situations in crisis and, especially in the past couple of weeks, wonder if my feelings and outward displays of emotion are either appropriate or sufficient.

Every person handles and displays their emotions differently and to varying levels. Add wildcards like personal experiences and better-living-through-chemistry (Hormones) as well as the aforementioned 'Elephant in the room' (Which can be a contributing cause, but not necessarily the only suspect) and you've got a mix with a variety of causality and outcome.

So far, you seem to have been getting quite a bit of decent advice here, from all avenues. Job stresses, personal relationships, family issues, pharmaceutical reactions, etc. all need to be considered. Weigh them all carefully and do what's best for you.

We expect a full report. :wink:

[Danielle Foxx]

People can be fair weather friends as well, always take take take and most of the time I feel as if I share my deepest thoughts they will think I am imbalanced, more then they do already. So usually I keep things to myself until I can share them with my therapist. It sucks not to have people around you where you can call and just unload on, a good shoulder and someone to make you pee in your pants laughing.

My gay friend Kyle always does that - he has the attitude of a black woman. He is sooooooo funny and we crack up together and he puts up with my bullshit for most part. Felicia is also a bit distant now but she is one of my dearest friends someone who would take the dress off her ass to give to someone if need be.

It's very sad that most people see us as mentally unstable just because of our condition and all we want is to be understood. I think most of the time I am just trying to figure out how to better myself just so I can get along with those who think they have it all together... People tend to forget we are all nutsos !

[RubyTS]

Hi Ms. Ruby.

Always one for controversy and intellectual discussion aren't you? :)


well whats the point of talking if ur not really saying ANYTHING?
People tend to think that because im more of a serious person that, like danielle said, im unstable. I just prefer conversation with legitimate value. People also think im crazy cuz i share a lot more of myself than most other people would even consider saying out loud, but its nice to be able to have a REAL conversation once in a while. When ur constantly dealing with "hey what r u into?" or "hey i wanna do a video with u" or "omg ur so hot i wanna ......" and bla bla bla, its funny how quick u can cut a convo short with a guy when u actually start reallly talking. People here seem to have a better appreciation of what the girls have to say, which is my main reason for still posting here. If i just wana bullshyt all day i have thousands of annoying ass one word mesages on myspace for that. :-P

[RubyTS]

a few random notes on myspace:

1: hey sweetie was going on what have you been up to so when are we going to get down let me know when your free aight

2: Damn ma, what would i have to do to get some time wit u?

3: whats really good sexy

4: im john n im sending u this message since u r also looking 4 dating like me nd i wud love 2 hook up wit u sometime 4 fun. i also have a big cock that u wud love n it can be all urs mami. i live on 185st manhattan. u live on mclean ave what st is that on?? so r u interested in hooking up sometime??

5: whats up? whatcha doin?

[AishaX]

I think talking to a therapist could be a good thing. Big cities usually have several places where you can get inexpensive therapy, and at least one place were you can get therapy that is LGBT aware. I was in therapy for a couple of years and it helped me greatly.

You are not alone. Everyone reacts differently to different things, and people change over time. Getting rid of toxic people is a good thing, surrouding yourself with genuine friends and acquaintances is a good thing. But the zest for life must come from within.

In therapy you may find you have a diagnoseable issue, or that you have just grown and matured.

As was said above, all of us are a little crazy...maybey your the only sane person in an insane sub culture?

[tslvrnyc]

I know I felt that way in a period of my life where I was doing way too much blow. All the nights of indulging the pleasure centers of my brain made being sober pretty dull. It took about 6 months of not doing cocaine to make this stop.

[Bob's Tgirls]

That's very interesting. I'm pretty laid back as well and generally don't feel a lot of emotion one way or the other either. But have someone cut me off on the freeway and I can get real pissed real fast. :))

Sometimes empathize with others very well. Other times I don't know what to feel or just don't.

On the other side, I'm been told a number of times that I'm the one who comes through when friends need help. So maybe I feel more subconsciously than I realize.

I've only fallen in love a couple of times, which is probably why I'm still single and prefer to be.

I can still bust a gut when I see something funny though.

It's interesting to examine this stuff.

[asianphoenixx]

i have a serious question and i've been wonderring if anyone feels the same or if i should go see a psych.....

I've noticed that i have a problem with emotions. While most girls tend to feel extreme highs and lows, ive noticed my emotions are very bland. I never feel really happy, or really sad, or really angry.... and there are times when i really should, and i ask myself y??? Im usually pretty laid back, but there are times when something might happen and i KNOW i should feel a certain way but i DONT! I have a hard time offerring comfort to someone who need a shoulder to cry on, or showing sympathy, and i know it comes off to people like im kinda prudish, but it just makes me feel terribly uncomfortable. Hugging someone when they're crying just feels so unnatural to me. When im having a conversation with someone im always wonderring what their thinking... I do a really good job of displaying emotions but its usually forced. I dunno. I really dont know what to make of this. I want so badly to feel again! I have no idea how long its been since i laughed til my stomach hurt and rolled around the floor with tears in my eyes, or was extremely excited by something, or jealous, or angry. My mood basically fluctuates from ok... to bored and thats pretty much it...

I guess you life is pretty boring at the moment

Move to a city that is friendly, open (to new people from different background), easy going, and laid back is a good idea.

Miditerranean countries...especially Italy, Spain, and Portugal have lots of cities to offer with that kind of atmosphere...(as well as most asian countries)

I'm going to Spain and portugal soon...wanna join.. 8) ??

[RubyTS]

i have a serious question and i've been wonderring if anyone feels the same or if i should go see a psych.....

I've noticed that i have a problem with emotions. While most girls tend to feel extreme highs and lows, ive noticed my emotions are very bland. I never feel really happy, or really sad, or really angry.... and there are times when i really should, and i ask myself y??? Im usually pretty laid back, but there are times when something might happen and i KNOW i should feel a certain way but i DONT! I have a hard time offerring comfort to someone who need a shoulder to cry on, or showing sympathy, and i know it comes off to people like im kinda prudish, but it just makes me feel terribly uncomfortable. Hugging someone when they're crying just feels so unnatural to me. When im having a conversation with someone im always wonderring what their thinking... I do a really good job of displaying emotions but its usually forced. I dunno. I really dont know what to make of this. I want so badly to feel again! I have no idea how long its been since i laughed til my stomach hurt and rolled around the floor with tears in my eyes, or was extremely excited by something, or jealous, or angry. My mood basically fluctuates from ok... to bored and thats pretty much it...

I guess you life is pretty boring at the moment

Move to a city that is friendly, open (to new people from different background), easy going, and laid back is a good idea.

Miditerranean countries...especially Italy, Spain, and Portugal have lots of cities to offer with that kind of atmosphere...(as well as most asian countries)

I'm going to Spain and portugal soon...wanna join.. 8) ??

might as well put my passport to good use. my last trip out the country was a disaster

[RubyTS]

I know I felt that way in a period of my life where I was doing way too much blow. All the nights of indulging the pleasure centers of my brain made being sober pretty dull. It took about 6 months of not doing cocaine to make this stop.

:lol: Been there done that. This is diff. i think the root of my problem is that i care way too much what people think. Im so used to hearing/seeing and focusing on the negative that the positive things become hard to believe.

[raiku9909]

honestly, i wouldn't worry about it too much.

there are tons of people out there with WAY TOO MUCH emotion and sensitivity.

being a cerebral person doesn't make you worse or better it just means you use your brains instead of baser instincts.

i think i know exactly what you're talking about. sometimes i feel like a robot compared to my other friends who get so upset or so happy or so sad, and i'm normally on the same relaxed, inquisitive and mental plane.

to echo what others have said--make some changes in your life (friends, locations, hobbies) to get back in touch with what it is you want to be doing and maybe go see a shrink to talk it out. can't hurt anyways.

-m

[RubyTS]

yeah i am a huge thinker. i got through every possible scenario in my head beffore i speak or make decisions. does kinda feel robotic (GR8 WORD to describe it)

[raiku9909]

and as cheesy or stupid as it might sound, i would seriously look into transcendental meditation, or some light yoga/breathwork.

it's amazing how exerting a little control over your body and biofeedback can change your perspective on things almost immediately.

hope you feel better ruby^^

[RubyTS]

ty honey

[LTR_Seeker]

your earlier post of being around friends who give you zest ruby to be happy & outgoing again souds solid

[muhmuh]

i think you might be a closet european

seriously though do you really feel numb or do you simply notice that others around you have much more exaggerated emotions?
if its the latter i wouldnt worry about it and surround myself with others who suit you better and dont come with all the overly dramatised expressions of emotion that you might find annoying and fake

[RubyTS]

no i seriously feel numb. i think im just lonely or something. i just had the longest talk with my gay best friend from highschool. we had a falling out but i reached out to him and surprisingly he seems to be going through the same thing. He always brought out the best in me. we were attached at the limp wrist back in the day lol. I feel a lot better having him back in my life. I think i just need to reawaken my senses and get out of my regular routine. He is one of those people that is very fun to be around but is ALSO a great friend. I think this is exactly what i needed.

[LTR_Seeker]

glad youre out of the doldrums Ruby have clear vision

[Justawannabe]

Agree with your last point.

Without a sig other life, even with future plans and family support, can feel like going through the motions. Not for everybody, but common enough to look into. Good friends can fill in a bit, but you have to feel that they are there for the long haul to make that work.

You career can also be working both for you and against you at the same time. Giving you a space where you are yourself, but also taking that space away from regular life.

Sad example is folks who play video rpgs... if they identify with the character they can get a real boost while playing, but they fall flatter than they started when they inevitably turn the machine off. All that sense of accomplishment and prowess disappears the moment the play session is over, and the void left can be experienced as depression or pointlessness to life.

Sometimes you need others to acknowledge and support you to feel things beyond the surface. Part of the whole safe space approach I guess.

Of course, I'm not a professional... so go chat with one of them, they can be really helpful. Anti-depressants can also be helpful but watch yourself there as they can also cause 'flatness'. Reactions are very individual.

Anyway, best of luck... wish I could lend a more serious hand as I've been there and back a couple of times.

[Danielle Foxx]

Going to the gym really helps too, I love going to the gym. I feel sooooo great when I do.

[transmaven]

1: hey sweetie was going on what have you been up to so when are we going to get down let me know when your free aight

2: Damn ma, what would i have to do to get some time wit u?

3: whats really good sexy

4: im john n im sending u this message since u r also looking 4 dating like me nd i wud love 2 hook up wit u sometime 4 fun. i also have a big cock that u wud love n it can be all urs mami. i live on 185st manhattan. u live on mclean ave what st is that on?? so r u interested in hooking up sometime??

5: whats up? whatcha doin?

hilarious! no wonder you feel numbed

you're being battered by the voices of the demons from hell,

aka the men of myspace

[Alyssa87]

i want to acknowledge you for you openness.
not that this is anything new.

but i intentionally avoid speaking on certain topics and being open when posting on HA.


you are really something : )

[Tika]

Nobody likes hearing the truth, hon. Being an escort seems to have a high rate of emotional burnout - that's an acknowledged fact. Break up the routine for a while. Take a month or two off (you have money saved, right?) and go do something else. Travel. Volunteer and help out some kids or animals. Give something back to the world instead of taking all the time.

Nobody likes hearing the truth. It's inconvenient. You want people to pat you on the hand and say "there, there it's okay"? That's not going to help. That's pandering. If you want diplomacy, get a diplomat. One of my friends says I'm "brutal" when she asks me for advice. She's a whiner - she's got a good job, a car, she's divorcing her asshole husband, she's a top-ranked fencer and she's got a new relationship that's really sound. But... all she does is wallow in how bad her life is, how unsatisfying everything is. So I tell her she's whining, feeling sorry for herself and she needs to take a look at reality, because she's got it pretty good. She'd rather whine than face up to the fact that she IS a whiner.

Emotional self-defense is a big deal. We all try and guard ourselves, trick ourselves into thinking we're all doing fine, we're living a good life, etc. Most of us aren't. I could do better. We could all do a lot better at living "better" lives. Nobody's perfect, but some people intentionally make their lives shitty and think they're doing a great job.

I would bet everything I have that you are experiencing emotional burnout because of your being an escort. Like I said before, your self-worth is tied up in your appearance. You're not a person to your clients, you're a hole. Sex is supposed to be uplifting, energizing, it's supposed to help you connect with someone you love. In your case, you post about men with horrible BO and how disgusted you are at having to have sex with them. Yeah that sounds really positive and emotionally rewarding, riiight.

What you're doing is not "adult sessions". Danielle's full of bullshit and you can call it anything you want, the end result is still the same. It's dehumanizing. It's denigrating. It's probably the most emotionally damaging thing you can do to yourself, but hey, it sounds like you just want a pat on the head and a "really you're doing fine, just be happy!". Hate me all you want for saying what needs to be said, it really doesn't matter in my day-to-day life. YOU have to live your life.

For the record, I'm a transwoman working as a personal support worker for seniors. I'm getting my certificate through training courses and I have 2 people that I take care of. You want emotionally rewarding? How about a 79-year old woman crying and saying she wants to adopt you, that she wishes you were her daughter because you actually care about her?

I am who I am. My coworkers in the training classes know I'm transgender, and it doesn't matter. "You're a woman as far as I'm concerned". The nurses that run the company know I'm transgender, and they don't give a shit because I'm smart, educated, dedicated and reliable. I work my ass off for these people. I take care of people that end up in the hospital, that could die on me at any time, and I wouldn't change it for anything. In fact I'm probably going back to school for a 3rd degree, this time in nursing.

So, you decide whether or not sucking strange men's cocks for money is emotionally damaging or not. You decide whether or not having some fat stinky pig of a man pound your ass and grunt when he comes is what makes you feel good about yourself. Take a look at your fake boobs, your expensive shoes and purses and see if they makes you truly happy.

[tslvrnyc]

Nobody likes hearing the truth, hon. Being an escort seems to have a high rate of emotional burnout - that's an acknowledged fact. Break up the routine for a while. Take a month or two off (you have money saved, right?) and go do something else. Travel. Volunteer and help out some kids or animals. Give something back to the world instead of taking all the time.

Nobody likes hearing the truth. It's inconvenient. You want people to pat you on the hand and say "there, there it's okay"? That's not going to help. That's pandering. If you want diplomacy, get a diplomat. One of my friends says I'm "brutal" when she asks me for advice. She's a whiner - she's got a good job, a car, she's divorcing her asshole husband, she's a top-ranked fencer and she's got a new relationship that's really sound. But... all she does is wallow in how bad her life is, how unsatisfying everything is. So I tell her she's whining, feeling sorry for herself and she needs to take a look at reality, because she's got it pretty good. She'd rather whine than face up to the fact that she IS a whiner.

Emotional self-defense is a big deal. We all try and guard ourselves, trick ourselves into thinking we're all doing fine, we're living a good life, etc. Most of us aren't. I could do better. We could all do a lot better at living "better" lives. Nobody's perfect, but some people intentionally make their lives shitty and think they're doing a great job.

I would bet everything I have that you are experiencing emotional burnout because of your being an escort. Like I said before, your self-worth is tied up in your appearance. You're not a person to your clients, you're a hole. Sex is supposed to be uplifting, energizing, it's supposed to help you connect with someone you love. In your case, you post about men with horrible BO and how disgusted you are at having to have sex with them. Yeah that sounds really positive and emotionally rewarding, riiight.

What you're doing is not "adult sessions". Danielle's full of bullshit and you can call it anything you want, the end result is still the same. It's dehumanizing. It's denigrating. It's probably the most emotionally damaging thing you can do to yourself, but hey, it sounds like you just want a pat on the head and a "really you're doing fine, just be happy!". Hate me all you want for saying what needs to be said, it really doesn't matter in my day-to-day life. YOU have to live your life.

For the record, I'm a transwoman working as a personal support worker for seniors. I'm getting my certificate through training courses and I have 2 people that I take care of. You want emotionally rewarding? How about a 79-year old woman crying and saying she wants to adopt you, that she wishes you were her daughter because you actually care about her?

I am who I am. My coworkers in the training classes know I'm transgender, and it doesn't matter. "You're a woman as far as I'm concerned". The nurses that run the company know I'm transgender, and they don't give a shit because I'm smart, educated, dedicated and reliable. I work my ass off for these people. I take care of people that end up in the hospital, that could die on me at any time, and I wouldn't change it for anything. In fact I'm probably going back to school for a 3rd degree, this time in nursing.

So, you decide whether or not sucking strange men's cocks for money is emotionally damaging or not. You decide whether or not having some fat stinky pig of a man pound your ass and grunt when he comes is what makes you feel good about yourself. Take a look at your fake boobs, your expensive shoes and purses and see if they makes you truly happy.

There should be a post of the day emoticon.

[Alyssa87]

There should be a post of the day emoticon.

i think it may have been well intentioned.
The point is a great one. and i would actually suggest the same thing to ruby.
but also it seemed a bit cutting, and self aggrandizing to me.

[Danielle Foxx]

There should be a post of the day emoticon.

i think it may have been well intentioned.
The point is a great one. and i would actually suggest the same thing to ruby.
but also it seemed a bit cutting, and self aggrandizing to me.

I second that - sounds like a back handed insult.

You know... what Tika is saying can be true for those who are not emotionally aware however I have tried your " miracle prescription " Jeeese I mean... I am living it now...

IT DOES NOT WORK!

Some emotional stress has nothing to do with escorting, it being one of the symptoms in this case and not the reason.

Emotional stress, childhood trauma, oppression and "the freak status" can cause real strong symptoms in trans women.

You have no idea what you are talking about... THAT IS THE TRUTH ... Yes I know... It hurts...

[RubyTS]

Alyssa thanks, isn't my openness the reason why u were intrigueed by me in the 1st place?

Tika, again u basically just repeated the same thing as ur last post. Maybe u are just blunt, but it seems more like an opportunity for u to try and put someone down. I dunno where u get that idea about designer shoes and handbags, all my money goes on rent and bills! And if i were looking for sympathy i have several friends i could call for that. like i stated before, my issue has nothing to do with my profession. I can see why someone would immediately assume that, but my belief is that it has more to do with me being trans, and society's views on trans people. The clients don't make me feel like a "hole" actually i have really gr8 relationships with most of my regulars and they pretty much worship me. The situation with the fat man was a very rare occurrence. I rarely have bad experiences during my sessions. The people who make me feel subhuman are the ignorant people of the world who choose to remain that way.

One thing thats very frustrating is meeting a guy and becoming hopeful that we can build a great friendship or relationship. We have amazing conversation and we CLICK! After time i tell them my deal and things go from "hey hows ur day" to "lets fuck." The wierd thing is that i never put myself out there like that, so its like a backhanded slap across the face. Once or twice i can deal with it, but it gets redundant because its ALL THE TIME. I mean, my fkkin landlord finds out im a tranny and even HE thinks it's cool to make sexual advances while i've done nothing to promote that kind of behavior. At least the clients are willing to pay, most other non clients think we're supposed to jump on their dicks simply because we ARE transexuals. So u see, i view being an escort as a CURE! Everyone just wants to fuck us anyhow, the clients, if anything, make me feel MORE appreciated

[Justawannabe]

Serious question.

Most women I know complain that they can't be friends with guys because they always eventually turn it into a sexual thing. Is that part of what your dealing with and the T discussion just acting as a catalyst to move it along, or is it unique to your experience being trans? Are these people who would date you, or are they just after sex? If turned down, do they drop it and move on, or is it always friendship ending?

Wondering if because guys who are interested meet fewer trans folks that they hit on them more often than folks pursuing non-trans women who have a larger pool to draw from.

Either way being trans puts you at risk of all kinds of pressure. Normal everyday things become stressful, and I can see where being with a client would relieve some of that. They know what your are and are anxious to be with you. Removes doubt and uncertainty. Just be careful it doesn't become a drug... a secure sanctuary from a certain kind of stress, a place where a normally constant pain is relieved.

That can make normal living seem gray as you have to deal with a stress you know you can relieve going to be with a client. Like a person on pain killers, normal life can begin to feel painful when you off the drug.

Eh, made the point best I'm able. Take the girls advice and take a couple weeks off, do something else and see if you can get satisfaction somewhere else for a bit as a test. Anything that shelters you from antagonism has to be used sparingly and mixed with other things. Hard to do that if it's you job though.

[RubyTS]

Hm.....

Guys are into trannies mainly for sexual reasons. Whether it be a guy i met off here who is aware of what i an, or a guy who i've spoken to for a while and eventually spilled the beans.

I dont want to be liked simply because im a tranny or because someone finds me physically attractive. What i usually do is try to bring my personality to the open, and allow a person to appreciate me for who i am as am, before i hit them with the "Im a transsexual" And while they often show respect towards me in the beginning, the conversations usually leads into a sexual one within minutes of telling them. They start asking ridiculous questions, and then there's the inevitable "I've never done that before" and the always responsive, "Did i ask u 2?" Then they get all nasty "i bet u suck good dick," or "Will u be my first?" or "so u like it in the ass?" And it's like UGHHHH! Who ask's questions like that? It seems everyone does tho!

Aside from that, u have guys who are aware and make u feel totally comfortable with being yourself around them, and will sell u the world on a silver platter simply to get what they want from u (ass, dick...) And when u eventually give in, it's over as soon as it begun! The whole vibe changes and while they were once a gr8 friend, they now become a shadow of the person u once knew, and they move on to the next tranny and fill her head with the same lies and fairytales.

And if thats not enough, u have the other transsexual "SISTER'S!" The girls who u would expect to have so much in common with. The worst of the bunch! You see their tru colors the second u bring a guy around. They may not even be attracted to him, but that wont stop them! Because there are different "levels' to being a transexual. And if a girl wants to feel like she's on my level the first thing she's gonna do is go after a guy who is obviously interested in me. If she gets him, points for her! Now she's got her temporary fix.

I had several close transexual friends. All those friendships ended in betrayal. And i am a gr8 judge of character. For me to allow someone in my life takes a great deal of effort. So when i DO allow someone in, and they betray me, i get angry at myself, like i should have learned my lesson. But i still remain hopeful, because if i was raised with proper morals, and i can understand the value of tru friendship, i truly want to believe that there is someone else like me out there. If any of u have read my blog entry on my website titled "beauty is a beast" u would understand just how far some girls will go to fill their ego. It's pathetic really

[Tika]

There's a lot of hate, confusion and misinformation out there about transgender women, true. I don't even like using the term transsexual, really. I just say "trans" and leave it at that.

One of my closest friends was an escort for years in Las Vegas. She's basically emotionally crippled because of it. She's unable to trust people, cynical about the future, doesn't really want to do anything, doesn't like people in general, etc. Her work has caused permanent emotional damage.

Assume your work isn't causing you problems. The only way to figure out what's wrong is to know yourself, and that's hard to do when you're busy being someone else other than who your parents raised.

For the vast majority of people, who they are is not really a question that gets asked. We basically have to figure that out for ourselves. We deal with issues others can't begin to understand, and they're pretty fundamental - identity, self-concept, body image. "You can't be a woman, you have a penis!" I hate hearing that so much.

The reason I'm so against escorting is that I truly believe it creates a false perception of transwomen for people. If the majority of transwomen that the average person encounters are on Jerry Springer, in porn movies or on streetcorners, what the hell are they going to think?

If men are coming on to you like you say, then there has to be a reason for it. You might not realize it, but there's a reason. Either you're sending out signals, acting some way, I dunno... but men are pigs, that much I can say. I'm a lesbian. That's all there is to it. I don't even understand you straight chicks.

In any case, you might be experiencing dysthymia. It's sort of like depression, but not as severe. There's a link below.

http://counsellingresource.com/distress/mood-disorders/dysthymic-symptoms.html

It sounds like what you're going through is more serious than just being bored with life, or having a case of the blahs, but you're still functioning so it's safe to say you're not clinically depressed.

[RubyTS]

Either you're sending out signals, acting some way

Absolutely NOT! I think its that society has already formed a view on trans women, and u hear ttransexual, but all u REALLY hear is SEX. I do everything in my power to be seen as a Human being which is why its that mush more disappointing when im treated like an object. I can deal with that when im in my hooker shoes, but it comes when im not prepared for it anc catches me off guard. Kinda like in pretty woman, where julia is upset with richard for telling his friend shes a pros, and she's all dolled up in her "white woman" gear.

[tsmandy]

So its "tika" now huh? You've been talking this shit for years and you should keep your mouth fucking shut.

Why don't you go to the dyke bar and try and use your marvelous social skills to pick up a date? My guess is that you wouldn't get very far. Hateful bitch. No better to hang out on a message board full of sex workers, johns, and porn consumers and tell everyone how what they are doing is wrong. Bitter hateful TS are the worst.

Sex was intended for the person you love? I'm sorry, I thought this was Hung Angels, not church.

Ruby, I'm sorry you are feeling down. There are so many reasons you might be feeling the way you are, but you are certainly not alone. I bet at least half the people in here have just wished they could wake up someone completely different, somewhere completely different, so many times. When I'm feeling in the dumps like that I just look for small distractions and try and keep going till things feel better. And trust me living in the "most depressing city in America" with nothing but gray skies and rain on the horizon I have so many of those days. I truly believe that for myself without my restlessness and dissatisfaction I would do nothing of value or beauty, that it spurs me to keeping things interesting. I hope things feel better soon...

[RubyTS]

ty Mandy i do my best to distract myself but the bitter truth about how evil ppl can be just come back and wack me in the back of the headwhen i least expect it. maybe im just better off with my walls barracading me inside. i just sometimes wish someone would prove me wrong, and give me a glimpse of positive in a world filled with negativity

[Tika]

Oh hi Mandy, I'd say it's nice to see you, but I can't understand you through the ballgag, freak. As far as keeping my mouth shut, ummm, no. I'll say what I think. Don't like it? Go take that bony white ass, play UPS and have someone tie you up like a parcel for a while, that should be nice and distracting.

Also, +10 irony points for calling *me* a hateful bitch.

[tsmandy]

Oh hi Mandy, I'd say it's nice to see you, but I can't understand you through the ballgag, freak. As far as keeping my mouth shut, ummm, no. I'll say what I think. Don't like it? Go take that bony white ass, play UPS and have someone tie you up like a parcel for a while, that should be nice and distracting.

Also, +10 irony points for calling *me* a hateful bitch.

Yeah I thought you would appreciate me quoting your pathetic remarks back when Nicole and I chased your sad ass out of the ladies forum at Tgirl talk for spouting this exact bullshit 2 years ago. Guess you haven't moved on with your life have you?

I am a freak, and at least I'm having fun.

[TheGuard]

Hey Ruby,

I don't necessarily think being apathetic is all that abnormal. You may believe you don't have these emotions, but perhaps you're just not identifying them because you express them in a different manner than we're socialized to recognize and understand. It certainly seems you have some form of depression or possibly GAD, but the causes seem to be largely external. Not discounting what you go through psychologically as a transwoman, but all things being equal it appears outside forces are the stronger cause here. Ruby, have you ever considered changing your surroundings, maybe getting out of NYC, separating yourself from those external stressors?

I can certainly sympathize with you as I too have a certain apethetic quality to my personality, but I've made it through to a very healthy place mentally, and I hope the same for you. This too shall pass.

[Danielle Foxx]

Oh hi Mandy, I'd say it's nice to see you, but I can't understand you through the ballgag, freak. As far as keeping my mouth shut, ummm, no. I'll say what I think. Don't like it? Go take that bony white ass, play UPS and have someone tie you up like a parcel for a while, that should be nice and distracting.

Also, +10 irony points for calling *me* a hateful bitch.

Yeah I thought you would appreciate me quoting your pathetic remarks back when Nicole and I chased your sad ass out of the ladies forum at Tgirl talk for spouting this exact bullshit 2 years ago. Guess you haven't moved on with your life have you?

I am a freak, and at least I'm having fun.

I think it's time you contacted one of the mods and have his ass banned and his IP blocked. What a freak man... LOL I swear these people tell us we have problems and they are the ones trying to fuck with my head as if we can't see right through his lil uneducated ass?

I mean, seriously. There are certain things that adult work can teach you. Like who in here really needs to be ball gaged. Let's start with that. I mean, that's what you want, right Tika?

You want to be crushed like the low life you are, lurking around the transsexual boards to hate on us. You probably place a huge anger towards your own existence. You cannot comprehend why you believe that hating on people is really something to brag about.

I rather be a whore then an asshole anyways, at least whores get layed... Catch my drift?

To be quite honest, you are messing with the wrong crowd papi chulo. Get off your high horse before you bust your ass, don't mess with the intelligence that really matters. The one of the heart and knowing it so much that you have wayyyyy too much love to give. The one that it hurts if you don't spread the love with those who do not have it all the time. Even for those who question that love because we cannot trust that it is real.

I am sure we want to " feel " but how can we feel happy when most of what we see is your sadness and those who do not understand us, only to think they can treat us like animals. Dirty taboo creatures, like the girl who was born with 8 arms...

Be gone before we drop a house on you too!

[RubyTS]

yeah ive been thinking of moving to providence. Seems the friends i have there are much more genuine and appreciative of my company. Im just so used to ny, but sometimes i really do hate having to venture out of my home to go to the doctor, or do laundry, or food shopping. I mean people look at me a lot and it gets frustrating because i can never tell if its because they're interested or if they're trying to figure me out. I get very uncomfortable when people approach me on the street because i can never tell if they know my deal or not.

[Danielle Foxx]

yeah ive been thinking of moving to providence. Seems the friends i have there are much more genuine and appreciative of my company. Im just so used to ny, but sometimes i really do hate having to venture out of my home to go to the doctor, or do laundry, or food shopping. I mean people look at me a lot and it gets frustrating because i can never tell if its because they're interested or if they're trying to figure me out. I get very uncomfortable when people approach me on the street because i can never tell if they know my deal or not.

Girl, you seem so cool and down to earth, I consider you a super cool chick and I haven't even met you. If that's worth anything.

[RubyTS]

Thanx danielle, it does mean a lot 2 me cuz out of all the ts girls on here u were the one i admired.

[Danielle Foxx]

Thanx danielle, it does mean a lot 2 me cuz out of all the ts girls on here u were the one i admired.

As I admire you as a person and also as a gorgeous woman who is so beautiful when she smiles.

Don't you forget that those gorgeous green eyes can also seem sad to those who need to see your pretty grill biotch!

[RubyTS]

o trust i turn the charm on real quick come business time. They would never guess i was anything other than happy go lucky

[Danielle Foxx]

HERO

There's a hero if you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are.
There's an answer if you reach into your soul
and the sorrow that you know will melt away

And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.
yeah yeah

So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you.

It's a long road when you face the world alone;
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold.
You can find love if you search within your self
and the emptiness you felt will disappear.

And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.

So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you.

oh....Lord knows dreams are hard to follow,
But don't let anyone tear them away.
Just Hold on, there will be tomorrow,
In time you'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive.

So, when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth
that a hero lies in you
that a hero lies in ... you
mmmm that a hero lies in.....you.

[Justawannabe]

Thanks for the thoughtful answer Ruby, appreciate the insight.

Mostly confirms my own experience being around some of the girls over my last two relationships (both trans ladies). I had somewhat hoped I was wrong about peoples character, or at least about men's character in this context.

I know what you mean about the betrayal aspect. You think you can tell who's loyal, and then the knife hits and it's never them you get the most mad at, it's yourself.

Anyway, you seem like a sweetheart, hang in there, things do change.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled rants.

[Nicole Dupre]

You're so fucking unsightly, you need to change shit diaper's? What a winner. :shock:


Nobody likes hearing the truth, hon. Being an escort seems to have a high rate of emotional burnout - that's an acknowledged fact. Break up the routine for a while. Take a month or two off (you have money saved, right?) and go do something else. Travel. Volunteer and help out some kids or animals. Give something back to the world instead of taking all the time.

Nobody likes hearing the truth. It's inconvenient. You want people to pat you on the hand and say "there, there it's okay"? That's not going to help. That's pandering. If you want diplomacy, get a diplomat. One of my friends says I'm "brutal" when she asks me for advice. She's a whiner - she's got a good job, a car, she's divorcing her asshole husband, she's a top-ranked fencer and she's got a new relationship that's really sound. But... all she does is wallow in how bad her life is, how unsatisfying everything is. So I tell her she's whining, feeling sorry for herself and she needs to take a look at reality, because she's got it pretty good. She'd rather whine than face up to the fact that she IS a whiner.

Emotional self-defense is a big deal. We all try and guard ourselves, trick ourselves into thinking we're all doing fine, we're living a good life, etc. Most of us aren't. I could do better. We could all do a lot better at living "better" lives. Nobody's perfect, but some people intentionally make their lives shitty and think they're doing a great job.

I would bet everything I have that you are experiencing emotional burnout because of your being an escort. Like I said before, your self-worth is tied up in your appearance. You're not a person to your clients, you're a hole. Sex is supposed to be uplifting, energizing, it's supposed to help you connect with someone you love. In your case, you post about men with horrible BO and how disgusted you are at having to have sex with them. Yeah that sounds really positive and emotionally rewarding, riiight.

What you're doing is not "adult sessions". Danielle's full of bullshit and you can call it anything you want, the end result is still the same. It's dehumanizing. It's denigrating. It's probably the most emotionally damaging thing you can do to yourself, but hey, it sounds like you just want a pat on the head and a "really you're doing fine, just be happy!". Hate me all you want for saying what needs to be said, it really doesn't matter in my day-to-day life. YOU have to live your life.

For the record, I'm a transwoman working as a personal support worker for seniors. I'm getting my certificate through training courses and I have 2 people that I take care of. You want emotionally rewarding? How about a 79-year old woman crying and saying she wants to adopt you, that she wishes you were her daughter because you actually care about her?

I am who I am. My coworkers in the training classes know I'm transgender, and it doesn't matter. "You're a woman as far as I'm concerned". The nurses that run the company know I'm transgender, and they don't give a shit because I'm smart, educated, dedicated and reliable. I work my ass off for these people. I take care of people that end up in the hospital, that could die on me at any time, and I wouldn't change it for anything. In fact I'm probably going back to school for a 3rd degree, this time in nursing.

So, you decide whether or not sucking strange men's cocks for money is emotionally damaging or not. You decide whether or not having some fat stinky pig of a man pound your ass and grunt when he comes is what makes you feel good about yourself. Take a look at your fake boobs, your expensive shoes and purses and see if they makes you truly happy.