Funniest one liners..................

[JohnnyWalkerBlackLabel]

Looking for the funniest one liners from a movie, tv show, etc.

if you have a media link post it

thanks

[jaycanuck]

Rodney Dangerfield - "When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

[Danielle Foxx]

"That's what she said" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLQKsuogUXo

Sammy showed me this yesturday... lol

[jaycanuck]

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?
Who lit the fuse on your tampax.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

[Danielle Foxx]

Hazel Tucker ( just now )

Hazel - " Girl, I love how those hispanic girls dress on the news "
Danielle - " She is not hispanic girl..."
Hazel - " Ohhh what is she? Colombian? "

[ed_jaxon]

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

[jaycanuck]

Hazel Tucker ( just now )

Hazel - " Girl, I love how those hispanic girls dress on the news "
Danielle - " She is not hispanic girl..."
Hazel - " Ohhh what is she? Colombian? "

that's cute. :) Hazel kicks ass.

[jaycanuck]

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

Love that quote. Great stuff

[rockit]

Some Woody Allen:

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

[Paul_Ire]

Not a tv quote its from a game:

Final Fantasy 9

Zidane: Have you seen this weird looking guy?
Dwarf: Your weird looking.
Zidane: Um, No, You see, he's sinister looking.
Dwarf: Your sinister looking.


i found it funny anyways lol

[Jericho]

"Hey Carmine, what sets off the metal detectors first, the lead in your ass or the shit in your brains?"

[Frank-ftgw]

Dave Chapelle "You might not be a ho, but you're waring a ho's uniform."

Eddie Murphy" When I was a kid in order to have a jacuzzi we had to fart in the tub."

"I will never be a member of any club that would have ME as a member." Groucho Marx

[TomSelis]

Bitches, LEAVE!!!

Clarence Boddicker- Robocop

[Cubpocalypse]

Basically, you can randomly stop anywhere in a Marx Brothers movie and find a great one liner. There are websites devoted to the best Grouchisms, but just off the top of my head one of my faves is this line from Cheers :

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. - Norm

[gunner55]

Mr. Taggart...."What in the wide wide world of sports is a goin' on here?". Blazing Saddles

[glenntinnyc]

correct me if I'm wrong sandy but if I kill all the golfers they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key


I said Gofers not Golfers

[tg4me]

Rodney asking for a date with his hot teacher.
"Call me when you have no class. "

Run Florist Run!
Forget the movie..but it was funny

[Willie Escalade]

Lack of pussy makes you brave, man! - Eddie Murphy in 48 HRS

[slinky]

Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.

You're a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing GREAT with you!

Thank you for a memorable afternoon, usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature

Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?

I love the smell of napalm in the morning

[LTR_Seeker]

When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross...... Dirty Harry

[Alyssa87]

i love this thread. keep em coming.

[LTR_Seeker]

We got no food we got no jobs.....OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF... Jim Carrey Dumb N Dumber

[dannyboyz]

Where the white woman at!

he is a lazy fuck he sits down to piss!

[bte]

Funny Man: I play a bitch like Nintendo (Zelda!)

[rockit]

Some Daffynitions:

AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink.

Abundance: Big party held in a bakery

Acquaintance:A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.

Adamant: The very first insect.

Adult Film: A film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old.

After-Dinner Speaker: A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them

Aftermath: The period following algebra

Agent: Someone who believes an actor takes 85 percent of his money.

Agreeable Person: One who agrees with me.

Air Traffic Control: A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.

Alabaster: A very nasty thing to say about Al.

All-Nighter: Not getting up to pee.

American Language: English run over by a musical comedy.

American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that won’t hurt business.

Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats.

Arachnohomophobia: Fear of gay spiders.

Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.

Artificial Intelligence: The goal of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. Problem is, human beings are really stupid.

Avalanche: A mountain getting its rocks off

Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning.

Babysitter: A teenager you hire to watch your TV

Bachelor: A fellow who usually wants one single thing in life – himself

Bagel: An unsweetened doughnut with rigor mortis.

Banker: A pawn broker with a manicure

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

Birth Control in Prague: Cancelled Czechs.

British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world.

Broadcast: Seeing how far you can toss a woman.

[iloveshemales77]

One more Daffynition:
Insolent: A person who has fallen off the Isle of Wight ferry

[iloveshemales77]

Kim Basingers character to Garth: "Garth, can I be frank?"
Garth: Yeah OK, can I still be Garth?

[santiago316]

Chong: Can you tell me what room Dwayne Mendoza's in?
Dwayne: CHEECH! Hey you old piece of horseshit, how are you doin'?! Goddamn it's good to see ya! Aw shit I ain't seen ya in so long. How ya Doin'?
Goddamn you got UGLY!

[ILuvGurls]

these are more quotes but they are pretty funny nevertheless......


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe..
- Jimmy Durante


Don't worry about avoiding temptation.As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain


"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege." (Unknown)

[Willie Escalade]

All I have in this world is my balls and my word, and I don't break 'em fo no one, understand?

[iloveshemales77]

"Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist needs his head examined."

[chelseafc]

My favorites are all the Silly one liners that come on CSI, CSI NY & CSI Miami right before the intro music. They are so stupid but quarky LOL

[Alyssa87]

i'm watching the golden girls...

Blanche: I never get sick. I treat my body like a temple

Sophia: Yea, open to everyone

[jaycanuck]

Sophia kicked ass