silkencock
07-30-2008, 01:47 AM
Okay, so here's the deal:
I am 19. I have been crossdressing since I was about 10, often stealing panties, bras, skirts, hose or stockings, blouses, etc from my sisters and mother. I don't think they knew, at least not until recently. I very much enjoy masturbation and sex when I am dressed up, but also love to just lounge around the house in a slip or skirt. I enjoy my cock when I am having sex (I am Bisexual), but my fantasies have ALWAYS revolved around being a girl and getting fucked like a girl, being submissive, etc.
As I said, until recently no one except a few very discreet partners knew of my interests. My family went away on vacation last month. I had to stay back because of work. They came home three days early. They (specifically my Mother and Father) caught me dressed up, in the kitchen, cooking myself dinner. My father flew into a rage, beat me up, and threw me out of the house. I am now staying with a close friend.
My parents approach to sex was always darkly colored by thier psycho-catholic upbringing, and they always treated it as something dirty. My mother would often embarrass me by asking the parish priest if I had been honest about masturbating while in confession. She often brought up these delicate subjects during dinner, furthering my humiliation and often bringing my father's wrath down on me. My sisters, while not immune to my parents' humiliation or shame, were NEVER subjected to this sort of thing, and often joined in the family in castigating me.
As a result, I grew up feeling very ashamed of myself, my sexuality, etc.
These feelings reveal themselves in my sex life and sexual fantasy. Along with very often fantasizing that I am a girl being fucked, the situation is often one in which I am being shamed or humiliated in front of others. I am being made to masturbate, made to take it in my pussy or ass, etc.
There is another aspect to my fantasy life that scares the hell out of me: These fantasies also often revolve around incest. Mind you, it is never my own family that I see in these fantasies (the very thought makes me want to puke), but rather a pornstar or model I will pick to be my "Mommy" or "Daddy" or "Sister" in my mind. Strangely enough, during these incest fantasies, when I am being humiliated or forced to do things, the perpetrator is always acting out of love and caring for me, UNLIKE my actual mother, who (I think) dirived satisfaction at my humiliation. I have created whole stories, scenarios, etc. along these lines. Often they are all fully clothed, and I am made to expose myself, to serve them, to be a sex slave in the house. When they are undressed, they are always, still, in a dominate position over me.
I don't know what to make of all this. I am afraid that I will never have a "normal" or satisfying sex life. I don't know if I should have been a girl or if I am just a kinky boy. I don't know how or why all this humiliation/shame has become so closely ties to my sexual identity, but I am afraid of embracing it. I am afraid it would basically mean I have seccomed to the very lessons my parents so wrongly and so diligently tried to impress upon me. I don't know where to turn or who to ask about all this. Therapy is expensive.
My question, after all that: Where do I go to find answers for myself?
And this: Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Am I doomed to feel like a dirty, worthless whore?
I am 19. I have been crossdressing since I was about 10, often stealing panties, bras, skirts, hose or stockings, blouses, etc from my sisters and mother. I don't think they knew, at least not until recently. I very much enjoy masturbation and sex when I am dressed up, but also love to just lounge around the house in a slip or skirt. I enjoy my cock when I am having sex (I am Bisexual), but my fantasies have ALWAYS revolved around being a girl and getting fucked like a girl, being submissive, etc.
As I said, until recently no one except a few very discreet partners knew of my interests. My family went away on vacation last month. I had to stay back because of work. They came home three days early. They (specifically my Mother and Father) caught me dressed up, in the kitchen, cooking myself dinner. My father flew into a rage, beat me up, and threw me out of the house. I am now staying with a close friend.
My parents approach to sex was always darkly colored by thier psycho-catholic upbringing, and they always treated it as something dirty. My mother would often embarrass me by asking the parish priest if I had been honest about masturbating while in confession. She often brought up these delicate subjects during dinner, furthering my humiliation and often bringing my father's wrath down on me. My sisters, while not immune to my parents' humiliation or shame, were NEVER subjected to this sort of thing, and often joined in the family in castigating me.
As a result, I grew up feeling very ashamed of myself, my sexuality, etc.
These feelings reveal themselves in my sex life and sexual fantasy. Along with very often fantasizing that I am a girl being fucked, the situation is often one in which I am being shamed or humiliated in front of others. I am being made to masturbate, made to take it in my pussy or ass, etc.
There is another aspect to my fantasy life that scares the hell out of me: These fantasies also often revolve around incest. Mind you, it is never my own family that I see in these fantasies (the very thought makes me want to puke), but rather a pornstar or model I will pick to be my "Mommy" or "Daddy" or "Sister" in my mind. Strangely enough, during these incest fantasies, when I am being humiliated or forced to do things, the perpetrator is always acting out of love and caring for me, UNLIKE my actual mother, who (I think) dirived satisfaction at my humiliation. I have created whole stories, scenarios, etc. along these lines. Often they are all fully clothed, and I am made to expose myself, to serve them, to be a sex slave in the house. When they are undressed, they are always, still, in a dominate position over me.
I don't know what to make of all this. I am afraid that I will never have a "normal" or satisfying sex life. I don't know if I should have been a girl or if I am just a kinky boy. I don't know how or why all this humiliation/shame has become so closely ties to my sexual identity, but I am afraid of embracing it. I am afraid it would basically mean I have seccomed to the very lessons my parents so wrongly and so diligently tried to impress upon me. I don't know where to turn or who to ask about all this. Therapy is expensive.
My question, after all that: Where do I go to find answers for myself?
And this: Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Am I doomed to feel like a dirty, worthless whore?