Question about girl im seeing

[ukbuffshef]

Hi there, im new on the forum and havent really had much experience with the transgender community. Im looking for advice really for me because i dont know who i can talk to about this.

My first experience started about 6 months ago, i was in a nightclub (gay friendly club) and met a girl and pulled her (snogged and exchanged numbers).

I took her on a date and we had a really nice time, really clicked, i was v attracted to her, again just kissed passionately and shared a nice time together, found out about each other and that she was a dancer in a club.

Ok, after the date we arranged to meet again and then the day where we were supposed to meet she called me up and said she had something to tell me. She told me that she was transexual. I was shocked at first (im not homophobic at all, i often go to gay bars and like the open mindedness of people and friendly atmosphere), but still was shocked more than anything because i wouldnt have thought this at all, cant even remember what i said to her but i dont think it was that nice. After the conversation i felt a bit bad, she had the courage to tell me this and then i understood why she didnt want to meet, so i gave her a txt back saying how i was sorry for what id said and no hard feelings at all, we can still be friends etc if i see her again.

Ok, that was the background to it. About a month ago i met her again (same club) and was friendly, we danced together and spent some friendly time with each other, we were both had some coke so were high aswell lol and i snogged her again...ive been taking her out now and staying in contact with her for past 3 weeks.

I have been sleeping with her but it just feels a bit weird that its not with a real woman (im used to pussy, but ass is good lol, most women dont let me fuk their ass), but i really like her (attracted to her looks) and get on really really well with her (more so than i have with any other girl before). But when i have sex with her i just cant look at her man bit for long(thats what she calls it) without getting put off, i just cant bring myself to look at it. I told her that i dont want to touch it and shes ok with that, she says she doesnt like it anyway and prefers that i dont want to touch it and is having what she says is reasignment surgery soon. But i feel like its just putting me off and dont want to have sex with her anymore.

So because of this i feel like ending our (just starting) relationship. I dont really know what to do, guess im asking for advice or just people to talk to that are maybe in same situation or had same circumstance as myself.

She told me about reasignment surgery but surely that takes some time right? (i dont feel that comfortable talking about this to her because i dont want to upset her) so maybe someone can tell me about this?

I dont really know what to do, i know i would like to keep seeing her because i fancy her and we get on v well. Someone who is in relationship with a transexual give me some info please if you have had simmilar experience.

Thankyou for your time, have a nice day :)

Sam

[Detroit]

If you've found love, stay with her. She really seems to care about you. If you can find love with t-girl you have found something vwey special.

[SarahG]

She told me about reasignment surgery but surely that takes some time right? (i dont feel that comfortable talking about this to her because i dont want to upset her) so maybe someone can tell me about this?

What do you mean by time, how long it would take before she gets it done? How long the procedures lasts? How long it takes to fully heal?

As far as surgeries go it isn't a quick procedure and the healing time, given how abrasive & extensive it is, can be a while. I'm not postop so I can't speak from expierence but, from what I have read it has an awkward phase during the initial healing where things are a bit... icky due to, well, it being a surgery and all- but honestly that is to be expected.

Going by your name, I assume you're both in the UK... is she transitioning via the NHS system?

Anyway as to breaking it off, I really don't know what to say here. I have been with guys who didn't initially know about myself and I have told them that if they're really uncomfortable, I'd understand no hard feelings on my part, but if they change their minds down the road, look me up and see what happens. I have met alot of friends this way, even if it didn't go anywhere relationship wise.

[ukbuffshef]

She told me about reasignment surgery but surely that takes some time right? (i dont feel that comfortable talking about this to her because i dont want to upset her) so maybe someone can tell me about this?

What do you mean by time, how long it would take before she gets it done? How long the procedures lasts? How long it takes to fully heal?

As far as surgeries go it isn't a quick procedure and the healing time, given how abrasive & extensive it is, can be a while. I'm not postop so I can't speak from expierence but, from what I have read it has an awkward phase during the initial healing where things are a bit... icky due to, well, it being a surgery and all- but honestly that is to be expected.

Going by your name, I assume you're both in the UK... is she transitioning via the NHS system?

Anyway as to breaking it off, I really don't know what to say here. I have been with guys who didn't initially know about myself and I have told them that if they're really uncomfortable, I'd understand no hard feelings on my part, but if they change their minds down the road, look me up and see what happens. I have met alot of friends this way, even if it didn't go anywhere relationship wise.

Thankyou, yes im in uk, sheffield, i dont know if it is on nhs im afraid, its something i havent asked her and dont really want to talk about with her. I feel a bit odd talking about the issue with her because i dont really know what to say about it and i dont want to upset her by just coming out with 'i dont like it' and telling the truth because i think it would upset her again.

I think maybe its just a bit too much for me tbh, i can stay in contact with her and be friends and maybe when she has had opperation then who knows, that is probably the best idea. If this carries on then it will just be worse later down the line. Ive only known her properly for 4 weeks since been sleeping with her so im not going to try to force her into having surgery because its her body and shes only 4 years younger than me, 23 years old so its her choice, its only the start of our relationship. I think best thing to do is call it a day for now.

Annoyed because i actually think she is really sexy and this is typical no win situation for me. Im always used to meeting the wrong girls and then one comes along that is beautiful and i really click with and want to spend time with but she turns out to be transexual. (Sorry i dont mean to be disrespectful at all to anyone here but cant help how i feel.)

The more i think about it, the more i think you were right sarah. I am not going to be selfish and possibly upset her by talking about the assignment surgery. I think that the best thing to do is to tell her that i am getting back with my ex gf because i still have feelings for her, but i want to stay friends with her (i know im lying but its easiest possible way), i will stay in contact with her so that if she does have the surgery then maybe something will happen between us.


If you've found love, stay with her. She really seems to care about you. If you can find love with t-girl you have found something vwey special.

Not sure ive found love, its just very early days lol. I just put off though. I wish it was that simple to just stay with her. I think she is special yes and we get on really well, shes more complex than the other 21-25 year old girls i know (haha except we are high, then shes just horny, come to think of it so am i lol). I would like to stay with her but i dont want to sleep with her anymore, cant do it, also because i feel like i am just using her because i know that i wont want to stay with her. I dont want to upset her in long run so its best to leave. I think we can be friends and then see what happens at a later date though maybe.

Sarah thankyou very much for telling me about yourself, out of curiosity if you dont mind me asking, when you and the men you had been on a date with decided not to carry on but just be friends did they tell you the reason why they wanted that?

Maybe i should just come totally clean right now, best for all...and we can still be friends i hope, then if she wants the assignment surgery who knows.

Thankyou for the advice.

Sam

[DJ_Asia]

If you've found love, stay with her. She really seems to care about you. If you can find love with t-girl you have found something vwey special.

Co-Sign

[whatsupwithat]

Thank you for sharing your situation with us. Beautiful post. Honest. real.

My advice is to be as honest with her as you've been with us. If you think about it, if you put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you want the same thing?

[LINYguy]

Hi ukbuffshef, Just my 2 cents.Ask yourself why you are put off by seeing her naked.This is probably something that a lot of men here (at least I did) went through.Are you attracted to her having a cock and afraid you might be gay?Are you not attracted to her having a cock because you afraid you will like it and might think you are gay?Both of these are normal questions to ask yourself.Most guys on here are not gay, and probably not bi either, but might have gone through these questions.Or, on the other hand, maybe after your experience, you just might not be attracted to Transsexuals.But, It's hard to find someone special, and if you like this girl, I wouldn't be quick to break up.Try to think of her as any other girl only with slightly different plumbing.But don't ignore her cock, and don't treat her any different.This is an issue you have to face, and do some soul searching for.

By the way, you don't have to tell everyone the answers to the questions I asked.Those are for you to answer privately.

I hope this helps.

[ukbuffshef]

Hi ukbuffshef, Just my 2 cents.Ask yourself why you are put off by seeing her naked.This is probably something that a lot of men here (at least I did) went through.Are you attracted to her having a cock and afraid you might be gay?Are you not attracted to her having a cock because you afraid you will like it and might think you are gay?Both of these are normal questions to ask yourself.Most guys on here are not gay, and probably not bi either, but might have gone through these questions.Or, on the other hand, maybe after your experience, you just might not be attracted to Transsexuals.But, It's hard to find someone special, and if you like this girl, I wouldn't be quick to break up.Try to think of her as any other girl only with slightly different plumbing.But don't ignore her cock, and don't treat her any different.This is an issue you have to face, and do some soul searching for.

By the way, you don't have to tell everyone the answers to the questions I asked.Those are for you to answer privately.

I hope this helps.

Its ok, im not gay. My sister is lesbian and i just go out with her and her friends sometimes, thats why we go to gay friendly clubs. I have gay friends, im open minded about life and sexuality but im pretty certain im straight :wink:

I can answer these questions because its ok, i have spoken to her about it aswell but i think it just upsets her if i keep going on about it all the time. Ive been mean sometimes in other relationships and dont like the way things turn out, dont want to hurt any girls feelings and esspec not this girl. She is v open to me, we spoke about her growing up and what it was like at school for her being bullied etc and although i couldnt obviously relate, i slightly understood what she must have been going on about because i lived with my sister when she was going through school and came out to my parents. I dont want to hurt this girl so really dont know how to put it and scared that if i say something slightly over the line (whatever she thinks that is) that we can never be friends and she will then hate me. You see what i mean.

I wouldnt say that i was attracted to transexuals, im just attracted to her. I just cant look at her dick, at first it was ok and i didnt mind seeing it but now i cant do it. I know she was born with it and cant help it, we have discussed this a bit but i just find it offputting (not because im secretly gay, i would just come out as being gay), i just dont like that part of her. Its not even about sex because to be totally fair at this moment in time i wouldnt mind if we didnt have sex together, just share each others company and share kisses (ok maybe a blowjob lol but then i feel guilty yet again :? ).

My head is messed up now over this whole ordeal, i cant help but think im the one being selfish aswell and i dont want that. Ive thought this over and over about what i want and how i can get it (again more about me lol) and ideally would want to stay with her but for her to be a real girl, now obviously this can not happen, in which case i want to stay with her but just without her extra bit if you see what i mean?


Thank you for sharing your situation with us. Beautiful post. Honest. real.

My advice is to be as honest with her as you've been with us. If you think about it, if you put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you want the same thing?

I think this is what i have to do aswell. If it were me i would want honesty and the truth regardless if it hurt me or not, but im not sure that she will be like that aswell. She comes across as v confident and looks v glam when going out but i know that if i say this to her after being with her for a month, firstly walking away and then pulling her again and starting a relationship then she is going to be p1ssed at me, i know i would be. I dont want her to dislike me, but cant help the way it has turned out.

I will have to speak with her tonight, im supposed to be seeing her tomo and going out so going to have to try to put this the nicest and most honest way i can.

Thankyou people for your help and i will let you know what happens.

Sam

[peggygee]

Sam, I've read through the thread, and I have a few thoughts:

1. If there is to be any hopes of this relationship working you are going
to need to be a lot more honest and forthcoming with your feelings and
concerns.

You really need to convey how her having a penis at this point makes you
feel. You also need to discuss with her the timeline that she is on for her
GRS.

2. One thing that is good is that the both of you seem to share views
about her penis. There are some transwoman who have angst about
their penis, do not like to use it, and or otherwise have attention paid to
it. Thus it would appear that you two might be sexually compatible, at
least on that point.

3. On the GRS issue; I am a post operative woman, and while not a UK
citizen, I do have familiarity with the NHS system. If your significant
other is waiing for services through NHS, her waiting period may vary. If
she is able to pay out of pocket for the GRS, say in Thailand, she could be
able to recuperate and to have coitus within two months, depending on the
surgical technique, and advice of her doctor.

Finally, I don't know all the dynamics of your relationship, or the level of
committment, and I am also older than both of you. but for me. I would
be reluctant to become re-involved witth someone post-operatively, who
hadn't stuck with me through my pre-operative stage.

You'd have to be in for a penny, if you want to be in for a pound. :shrug

[Chuck]

I dont think this guy is ready. He must first accept her 100% just the way she is, penis included.

[mikejones]

Either you are into her or you aren't. If you truly are not happy with her leave, because it probably will not get any better. If on the other hand you are just worried because she is T, then get over it. Like Detroit said, finding a Tgirl who really loves you and treats you well can be tough. You have found a rare treat.

[tsntx]

If you've found love, stay with her. She really seems to care about you. If you can find love with t-girl you have found something vwey special.


LOVE??? it was like one date and they had sex a couple times... there is NO love in this relationship... 3 weeks... c'mon ppl... sounds to me like you have some personal hangups, AND THATS OK AND EXPECTED, but dont push them off on her or fuck w/ her feelings... be real w/ her, tell her youre just not ready, and that yould like to remain in contact w/ her so when the time is right yall can try again. -j

[BeardedOne]

Anyone on this forum can tell you that getting relationship advice from me is like Captain Smith asking for directions to the nearest iceberg, but I give it anyway, because misery adores companionship.

Your best bet is to just play it honestly. Your mention of using a reconciliation with your ex as an excuse to make a break is just plain dumb. If you do decide to restart the relationship, she is going to have a nagging doubt in her mind as to whether or not you and the ex ever got past the end of that relationship. Refer to the song getting a lot of airtime these daze: "Lips Of An Angel", about one end of a phone conversation where the guy sez "I can't talk too loud/My girl's in the next room/Sometimes I wish she was you...". Don't use a past relationship as an out if you have any thought or desire to reconnect later. You'll either suffer for it or she'll catch you out and then you'll =REALLY= suffer for it.

As for her 'man bit', that's a personal issue that only you can wrestle with and overcome. Or not. If you honestly believe you may have a future with her, bits and pieces aren't going to matter if you make a genuine effort.

A lot of the gurls here (And ones I've met in 'real life') call their extra special something their 'clitty'. Maybe that'll help you deal with your thinking/feelings about that extra bit of hers. Hell, female wrestler Chyna has a bigger clit than some men's dicks. :shock: Work with that concept.

Best of luck, either way.

[tsntx]

and 100% agree w/ peggy... if you dont accept me as i am now, and stand by my side through my struggles... there is no way in HELL ill let you be w/ me once im through all the struggles on my own... that right there shows im a stronger person than you and why would i want a "man" that is weaker then me? -j

[Ecstatic]

As e and others have said, honesty is the best policy: both honesty with her and with yourself (sometimes the latter is harder than the former). And as Peggy and Jen have said, if you don't accept her prior to her transition, it's highly doubtful she would accept you afterwards. As Dana International (Israeli transgender popstar) put it in song, "If you don't love me the way I am / someboy will, somebody will."

[yngnwburbsguy]

Am I the only one that wants to see a picture of her? Clothed or naked, I dont mind seeing that part of her lol.

[ukbuffshef]

Thankyou very much for the replies people, this is very kind of you to offer advice.

Peggygee thankyou for that advice, that was very helpful to me (even though i have already spoken to her about what i think).

I spoke to her tonight and we basically spoke about everything (and anything lol), spent a long time on the phone with each other. I realised that there is no point in delaying what i had to do so i told her, tried to put it as nice as possible i guess. No bullsh1t about my ex girlfriend or anything because this girl is worth more than that. When i got round to talking to her about what i really needed to she was v easy to talk to and didnt seem that upset by what i had to say which was a relief, she said that she could tell anyway that i had a bit of a standoff attitude (she never told me this before). Although we carried on the conversation after i had said what i wanted to say (for about another 45 mins) i didnt really get the same vibes from her at all. Now obviously this is probably partly down to my mindset aswell but also i cant blame her for not getting the same vibes as before.

We have decided though not to meet tommorow as friends. Tbh i know the whole 'but we can still be friends though' routine doesnt really work, but i think i can be friends with this girl anyway because we did really click.

So i have lost out on maybe finding love BUT have gained what could be a very good friend, obviously im not pleased with that deal and my head is still in 2 minds but ive made my decission what i think is best for the both of us at this stage in our lives and im not going to start umming and arring and drag things out longer so best if we dont meet for a while but then can go out as friends at a later date.

Thankyou for helping me out with my situation guys and girls, i think what everyone was saying really to be myself and tell the truth was the right way to do things even if it is upsetting for both of us at first.


LOVE??? it was like one date and they had sex a couple times... there is NO love in this relationship... 3 weeks... c'mon ppl... sounds to me like you have some personal hangups, AND THATS OK AND EXPECTED, but dont push them off on her or fuck w/ her feelings... be real w/ her, tell her youre just not ready, and that yould like to remain in contact w/ her so when the time is right yall can try again. -j

Woah, steady on tiger, i dont think it was love but it was more than 'one date', we have been in contact with each other almost everyday in the last month, i met her 6 months ago. i dont have any personal hangups, maybe 10 years ago with my younger sister but not for the last 10 years, not with my sister, myself or anyone else. I know i didnt want to fuck with her feelings. We both decided we can still be friends, if it works then that will work out and maybe as you say there will be another time to try again in the future.


I dont think this guy is ready. He must first accept her 100% just the way she is, penis included.

I think you are right chuck, that is why i decided it isnt fair on myself or her to carry it on.

Everyone has helped me a lot. I am a firm believer that if 2 people are meant to be together (soul mates) then eventually they will cross each others paths again and no detail can block the true path of them being together in the end (maybe im sad haha but its what i like to believe in). I only knew this girl for 6 months and only had real daily contact with her for a month but really started to feel something, a connection i havent had before and esspec in that amount of time.

Oh well, live and learn. Ok, take care.

Sam[/quote]

[LG]

As e and others have said, honesty is the best policy: both honesty with her and with yourself (sometimes the latter is harder than the former). And as Peggy and Jen have said, if you don't accept her prior to her transition, it's highly doubtful she would accept you afterwards. As Dana International (Israeli transgender popstar) put it in song, "If you don't love me the way I am / someboy will, somebody will."

Well worded. Good points all round. After all, isn't honesty the best policy?

Best of luck, Sam.