matqc20
07-24-2007, 03:04 AM
Hi, once again my main language is French so sorry for some lack of clarity in my sentences. I've had some pretty low and sad weeks/months recently. Now how can I put this and how can I start this off... I guess I should start off from the beginning.. my childhood. I guess you could say my early childhood was about as ordinary as any other. I was a young boy in a small town of about 15 000 people who would pass his days outside with friends playing cops and robbers, hide and seek, playing with water guns and so on.
A few years went by and these things became pointless, cause I couldn't seem to connect with other boys on the same level I would with let's say my sister and cousins. I found myself playing with my sis almost every day and sometimes even playing with her toys ( barbies, those little bakery ovens) This is kinda weird cause during those years I would find myself liking boys stuff (the colours boys like, their outdoors activities..ect) while at the same time loving the same things than my sister and her friends did. These where very troubling years in my life cause I would have to hide from my dad whenever I would be doing ''girly stuff'' with my sister like playing dress-up, playing with barbies and stuff ect which I loved.
We live in a small town. People here are proud and everyone knows everything about every other person so let's just say my parents where pretty straight forward in letting me know that this stuff wasn't appropriate. The problem with all of this is that I loved to. This is also kind of weird because during those years my parents had also made me play baseball and hockey which where both sports I loved. I would also occasionally go play with my guy friends and have a blast at playing the old boy games I was used to. Very confusing years :S
At this time I would have probably been about 10-12 years old and I was still pretty much in the same situation. Another interesting thing about those years is that my dad had always been interested in computers. I've had a computer in my home ever since I can remember. During my pre-adolescence was the big bang of the internet. It was suddenly coming to homes across the globe and I might have been one of the early few who had it in their houses. This was a whole new world to me with people from all over the world sharing their experiences and their point of view in my own basement. I had came across at that time some early web pages about transgendered girls, cross-dressers and their stories. This made me highly curious about the subject and I found myself visiting these sites frequently... that is until my dad found out how history and cookies worked which pretty much selled me out. When asked repeatedly and with much anger I just said I had stumbled upon the sites and found it ''funny'' and ''interesting'' and that just pushed my dad's anger further and made me loose my internet rights... no more internet for a good old while for me. My parents justified this by saying there where too much stuff not suitable for young children on there and I shouldn't be looking at ''stupid'' stuff like that. Anyway... when I finally got the right to play on it again I had learned my lesson and didn't even bother going on those kind of sites again.
A few years went by with me living a normal life as a young boy my age. This was true until I got in my teenage years. Those years where hell, especially in our small town. Everything a normal teen has to go through.. was just unbearable. And let's be just honest... some things that are nowadays acceptable and seen as normal where not 8-10 years ago. Could I say to anyone that i was starting to have bi-sexual feelings? Hell no... I would have probably been hung by my parents, and then burned by the other children at school. It is also during those years that I started stealing some of my sis's clothing. This may sound horribly disgusting and I do agree now-days but I can remember I used to steal some undies, bras, shirts and skirts from her and I would have a very good time dressing up in them. I would also wait till my parents left to do the groceries and such to steal some eye liner, make-up and lipstick from my mom. At that time boys with long hair on the side was pretty much the trend so I didn't have problems arranging it and I had fun looking at myself in the mirror.
I often had very feminine gestures and reactions when in presence of other people my age. I used to blame this on the fact that I matured and had a late croissance (* got body hairs late, was small till late and such, voice muted much lather than others) but I was just kidding myself. People often noticed and I got picked on quite a bit because of this. Because of all the pressure I was getting and me wanting to be part of the group and wanting to make my parents proud I joined the football team where I played for 4 years. I made a lot of friends there and everything was looking pretty good and normal... at least on the outside.. not on the inside where I never felt very comfortable with myself although those were pretty good years because I was a teenager and I felt accepted by the cool kids.
Then came the early work years... 15-16-17 years olds. I started working and I felt the immediate urge to buy myself my own computer. A few months after I started to work at my local Mc Donald's I bought it and learned all about plugging the internet and stuff.. so I would have my complete privacy. Those are the years where I first discovered ''shemale, he/she ect'' sites (pardon me the names but let's face it that's how they call them on the porn sites... even If I don't respect that) I immediately found sexuality on a whole new level. Those days where I felt the urge to dress up in girl clothes quickly became more frequent and not only did I start to do this just for fun.. but it also turned into a sexual thing. I remember getting a total stranger to buy me 2-3 sex toys saying my girlfriend wanted to try them out with me when I actually didn't have a gf at the time cause I had lost interest in GGs at some point. I after that found myself dressing up... and you probably are guessing what followed... I started having fun with sex toys pretending I was a woman and was having sex like one...
During those times I also started looking up forums like this one talking to fellow occasional CDs and talking to TGs about their experiences and what made them what they were... At the same time I was trying to understand those girls I always felt like I was trying to understand myself because i kept feeling I had a problem, or a sickness due to the fact of the way people in general regard such behaviors. It always stayed a sexual thing.. but in the past years it seems like more the time passes the more I feel like it's something more. I stopped CDing first of all because my sister moved away so I don't have acces to the clothes anymore and because I don't feel as comfortable CDing as I used too due to my now inevitable male appearance.
I'm really pretty fucked right now and don't really know what to do. I've had several friends in the past years ''come out''. I got some who tell me '' Oh btw im bisexual'' ''Oh btw I'm gay'' and such and I'm totally ok with it... but I just don't feel the same connexion... I feel like we are different.. I feel like they wouldn't understand how I feel and how I act... so I've pretty much build up a shield around myself trying to look the most masculine as possible and the most heterosexual as possible denying anyone who would advance I would be something other. I have found refuge on these kind of sites to escape my daily life.
I actually found some kind of way to express myself in the last couple of years and as weird as it may seem... it was with the Emo trend.
What I found in the Emo trend was something totally different. I found the ability to actually wear girls jeans, have long hair and wear black make-up (wich is my favorite color btw) and not even get pointed out for it... at least not at an emo show or gathering...(I wouldn't dress like that in my everyday life). Another thing I got to explore with this kind of music was my sentiments. I had always been a very sentimental/romantic/tender type of guy.. but couldn't always show it cause I had to be masculine. With these songs I could express my deepest feelings and not be noticed more than any other emo kid. I could actually go to see a group of kids my age I had talked on the internet and talk to them about how I felt, how my hearth was broken, how I was lonely or sad and they would actually listen and not say ''You're a F***in fag''.
Recently it has become more of a trend with lots of suburban kids following it just to be popular or to have a girl tell them ''Oh you're so cute'' and stuff. It has also evolved in the popular view as a trend where people say they want to cut themselves and stuff.... which I find ridiculous so I have pretty much left the scene.. even if I still listen to the old and true pioneer Emo bands.
Im now more into death metal cause I feel like I can let go of my anger with it. All of this leads me to where I am now. I am now at 21 years old. I don't have a girlfriend like my parents would want me too cause every time I get one I feel like I'm with her for all the wrong reasons. I now have a beard and I am shaped like a man. I have large shoulders, and because of my past jobs and sports I am pretty well muscled. I feel like it's too late too make a choice, I feel like my life is a lie, I feel like no one will ever understand me. My life is so fucked up right now.. It seems like I am mad at everything and everyone. It feel like I'm not normal, and that I'm pretty fucked up. I have no idea what I want to do, I'm scared the shit out of saying anything to anyone I know personally and I don't know what are the options I have. Huh.. sorry for the huge rant.. but this just had to come out :S
A few years went by and these things became pointless, cause I couldn't seem to connect with other boys on the same level I would with let's say my sister and cousins. I found myself playing with my sis almost every day and sometimes even playing with her toys ( barbies, those little bakery ovens) This is kinda weird cause during those years I would find myself liking boys stuff (the colours boys like, their outdoors activities..ect) while at the same time loving the same things than my sister and her friends did. These where very troubling years in my life cause I would have to hide from my dad whenever I would be doing ''girly stuff'' with my sister like playing dress-up, playing with barbies and stuff ect which I loved.
We live in a small town. People here are proud and everyone knows everything about every other person so let's just say my parents where pretty straight forward in letting me know that this stuff wasn't appropriate. The problem with all of this is that I loved to. This is also kind of weird because during those years my parents had also made me play baseball and hockey which where both sports I loved. I would also occasionally go play with my guy friends and have a blast at playing the old boy games I was used to. Very confusing years :S
At this time I would have probably been about 10-12 years old and I was still pretty much in the same situation. Another interesting thing about those years is that my dad had always been interested in computers. I've had a computer in my home ever since I can remember. During my pre-adolescence was the big bang of the internet. It was suddenly coming to homes across the globe and I might have been one of the early few who had it in their houses. This was a whole new world to me with people from all over the world sharing their experiences and their point of view in my own basement. I had came across at that time some early web pages about transgendered girls, cross-dressers and their stories. This made me highly curious about the subject and I found myself visiting these sites frequently... that is until my dad found out how history and cookies worked which pretty much selled me out. When asked repeatedly and with much anger I just said I had stumbled upon the sites and found it ''funny'' and ''interesting'' and that just pushed my dad's anger further and made me loose my internet rights... no more internet for a good old while for me. My parents justified this by saying there where too much stuff not suitable for young children on there and I shouldn't be looking at ''stupid'' stuff like that. Anyway... when I finally got the right to play on it again I had learned my lesson and didn't even bother going on those kind of sites again.
A few years went by with me living a normal life as a young boy my age. This was true until I got in my teenage years. Those years where hell, especially in our small town. Everything a normal teen has to go through.. was just unbearable. And let's be just honest... some things that are nowadays acceptable and seen as normal where not 8-10 years ago. Could I say to anyone that i was starting to have bi-sexual feelings? Hell no... I would have probably been hung by my parents, and then burned by the other children at school. It is also during those years that I started stealing some of my sis's clothing. This may sound horribly disgusting and I do agree now-days but I can remember I used to steal some undies, bras, shirts and skirts from her and I would have a very good time dressing up in them. I would also wait till my parents left to do the groceries and such to steal some eye liner, make-up and lipstick from my mom. At that time boys with long hair on the side was pretty much the trend so I didn't have problems arranging it and I had fun looking at myself in the mirror.
I often had very feminine gestures and reactions when in presence of other people my age. I used to blame this on the fact that I matured and had a late croissance (* got body hairs late, was small till late and such, voice muted much lather than others) but I was just kidding myself. People often noticed and I got picked on quite a bit because of this. Because of all the pressure I was getting and me wanting to be part of the group and wanting to make my parents proud I joined the football team where I played for 4 years. I made a lot of friends there and everything was looking pretty good and normal... at least on the outside.. not on the inside where I never felt very comfortable with myself although those were pretty good years because I was a teenager and I felt accepted by the cool kids.
Then came the early work years... 15-16-17 years olds. I started working and I felt the immediate urge to buy myself my own computer. A few months after I started to work at my local Mc Donald's I bought it and learned all about plugging the internet and stuff.. so I would have my complete privacy. Those are the years where I first discovered ''shemale, he/she ect'' sites (pardon me the names but let's face it that's how they call them on the porn sites... even If I don't respect that) I immediately found sexuality on a whole new level. Those days where I felt the urge to dress up in girl clothes quickly became more frequent and not only did I start to do this just for fun.. but it also turned into a sexual thing. I remember getting a total stranger to buy me 2-3 sex toys saying my girlfriend wanted to try them out with me when I actually didn't have a gf at the time cause I had lost interest in GGs at some point. I after that found myself dressing up... and you probably are guessing what followed... I started having fun with sex toys pretending I was a woman and was having sex like one...
During those times I also started looking up forums like this one talking to fellow occasional CDs and talking to TGs about their experiences and what made them what they were... At the same time I was trying to understand those girls I always felt like I was trying to understand myself because i kept feeling I had a problem, or a sickness due to the fact of the way people in general regard such behaviors. It always stayed a sexual thing.. but in the past years it seems like more the time passes the more I feel like it's something more. I stopped CDing first of all because my sister moved away so I don't have acces to the clothes anymore and because I don't feel as comfortable CDing as I used too due to my now inevitable male appearance.
I'm really pretty fucked right now and don't really know what to do. I've had several friends in the past years ''come out''. I got some who tell me '' Oh btw im bisexual'' ''Oh btw I'm gay'' and such and I'm totally ok with it... but I just don't feel the same connexion... I feel like we are different.. I feel like they wouldn't understand how I feel and how I act... so I've pretty much build up a shield around myself trying to look the most masculine as possible and the most heterosexual as possible denying anyone who would advance I would be something other. I have found refuge on these kind of sites to escape my daily life.
I actually found some kind of way to express myself in the last couple of years and as weird as it may seem... it was with the Emo trend.
What I found in the Emo trend was something totally different. I found the ability to actually wear girls jeans, have long hair and wear black make-up (wich is my favorite color btw) and not even get pointed out for it... at least not at an emo show or gathering...(I wouldn't dress like that in my everyday life). Another thing I got to explore with this kind of music was my sentiments. I had always been a very sentimental/romantic/tender type of guy.. but couldn't always show it cause I had to be masculine. With these songs I could express my deepest feelings and not be noticed more than any other emo kid. I could actually go to see a group of kids my age I had talked on the internet and talk to them about how I felt, how my hearth was broken, how I was lonely or sad and they would actually listen and not say ''You're a F***in fag''.
Recently it has become more of a trend with lots of suburban kids following it just to be popular or to have a girl tell them ''Oh you're so cute'' and stuff. It has also evolved in the popular view as a trend where people say they want to cut themselves and stuff.... which I find ridiculous so I have pretty much left the scene.. even if I still listen to the old and true pioneer Emo bands.
Im now more into death metal cause I feel like I can let go of my anger with it. All of this leads me to where I am now. I am now at 21 years old. I don't have a girlfriend like my parents would want me too cause every time I get one I feel like I'm with her for all the wrong reasons. I now have a beard and I am shaped like a man. I have large shoulders, and because of my past jobs and sports I am pretty well muscled. I feel like it's too late too make a choice, I feel like my life is a lie, I feel like no one will ever understand me. My life is so fucked up right now.. It seems like I am mad at everything and everyone. It feel like I'm not normal, and that I'm pretty fucked up. I have no idea what I want to do, I'm scared the shit out of saying anything to anyone I know personally and I don't know what are the options I have. Huh.. sorry for the huge rant.. but this just had to come out :S