LG
04-28-2007, 04:07 PM
Taking a cue from another thread, where guyone accused the late, great Bill Hicks of being an unfunny mediocrity, I would like to demonstrate Hick's genius using some quotable quips of his:
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die, you know, and my parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment, find that porno wing I've been adding onto.
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons." "How do you know that?" "Uh, well … we looked at the receipts."
Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God! Based on what? I asked them. "Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages – 12 thousand years." Well, how fucking scientific! Okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good.
You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay, I got one word to ask you. A one word question. Ready? "Uh-uh." Dinosaurs.
You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years … rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.
You know, if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards … they sound better. Gives them that edge they're missing, puts some fucking hair on their balls.
What do atheists scream when they cum?
I was over in Australia, and everyone's like: "Are you proud to be an American?" And I was like, "Um, I don't know, I didn't have a lot to do with it. You know, my parents fucked there, that's about all."
I used to drink, I did. I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing in their lights thinking I'd made it to the next club.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/80/Bill_Hicks_image.jpg
source: Wikiquote/ Wkipedia
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die, you know, and my parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment, find that porno wing I've been adding onto.
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons." "How do you know that?" "Uh, well … we looked at the receipts."
Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God! Based on what? I asked them. "Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages – 12 thousand years." Well, how fucking scientific! Okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good.
You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay, I got one word to ask you. A one word question. Ready? "Uh-uh." Dinosaurs.
You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years … rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.
You know, if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards … they sound better. Gives them that edge they're missing, puts some fucking hair on their balls.
What do atheists scream when they cum?
I was over in Australia, and everyone's like: "Are you proud to be an American?" And I was like, "Um, I don't know, I didn't have a lot to do with it. You know, my parents fucked there, that's about all."
I used to drink, I did. I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing in their lights thinking I'd made it to the next club.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/80/Bill_Hicks_image.jpg
source: Wikiquote/ Wkipedia