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[SarahG]

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[tsmandy]

I'm a firm believer in open relationships.

That said, there are real limits to what a person can endure, and it seems like you need to get out of that situation. It may hurt them financially, oh well, tough shit, mr. husband shouldn't have misled you. It might be better to get the hell out of your crazy situation (even if that creates some major logistical and emotional problems) now on your own volition, than later when things reach a crisis level.

You seem like a cool girl, and you deserve more than a furtive fuck now and then.

[Balcanoid]

I agree with Mandy, you should change enviroment for a while, give youself a time to put together...in this case you`re in you`re just bouncing
off the walls, being pulled back and forth - it`s quite complicated way of life for a youngster...
...get out, find you`re own way...
Don`t worry about money, you`re time and life overall worth much more!

[hwbs]

i joke around alot on here ,so ill be serious on this one...if im dating someone then that is it....she has my attention and nobody else...im not open to let a 3rd party in my life...if a girl wants to be open then we are just fucking and nuthing else...lets keep booty calls , just that..

[peggygee]

Sadly, in all likelihood this will not end well for you.

A married man, particularly a married man who professes to
love his wife, will not leave her for you.

Further all of this sneaking and creeping is doing a number on
your self esteem and emotional state.

As painful as it may be, there is only one solution to this problem - leave.

Finally, for the record, I only engage in monogamous relationships.

[Kriss]

Really cannot vote as all four options are appropriate with different people. While option 1 may be best with one girl, I would want option 4 with a different girl. This may change over time, people change over time so what worked once for a couple may need re-evaluating. Both people want different things at different times throughout thier lives and personal development, if the relationship can't be elastic enough to accommadate this growth, then it may be time to move on. I don't believe in one ideal partner or "Miss right", If you are lucky enough to meet the right person at the right time in your life, just enjoy it while it lasts as you may not be 'compatible' forever.

[TheGuard]

Call me crazy, but I'm the monogamous sort. Those damn morals that were instilled in me in youth, damn them to Hell.

Seriously, I wouldn't cheat - I wouldn't be cheated on.

It's much easier to simply end it, but I'm cold-hearted like that.

[BeardedOne]

:shock:

Jeez-us, where to begin with this one? :?

First off, your poll only scratches the surface of the many varied levels of poly relationships. I've known a 'monogamous' triad marriage (One husband, two wives), an open triad (One wife, two husbands, rotating boyfriends/girlfriends), and a gay male and gay female (Each with same-sex lovers) married for the sake of family.

I come from an intellectual culture where monogamy is the exception to the norm and plural relationships are not necessarily common, but not looked down upon by the populous as a whole.

Your situation, however, has certain levels of toxicity to it. I'm not saying this to scold or judge you, just to point out my view of your reality.

You say that his wife doesn't know of the level of intimacy you share with her husband. That's bad. It's especially nasty because it sounds as though you all get along rather well on a friendship/housemate level. That means that, when the feces strikes the air circulation device (As is sure to happen, based on the scenario you've put forth), there will be a massive, multi-level fallout of close friendships, beyond any intimacy that exists.

That she doesn't know what is between you and her husband is a trust issue that is focused primarily between them, but which could just as well involve you (Has he told you everything, in all honesty, about his relationship/history with his wife?).

Advice time (And don't you =ever= blame this on =me=!): First, I think you need to adjust your own view of this relationship. I highly recommend that you reel it back to a friends-with-benefits idea. I've had such relationships with roommates/housemates and when the parting came there was no bad blood between us. While it's clear that you hope for a deeper, long-term relationship, I don't see that happening based on the information at hand.

The two key players in this are YOU and your BEAU. YOU need to take a step back and review the details and determine what's right for you, where things are headed (If they are going anywhere at all), and to suss out an escape plan if things turn sour. Your BEAU needs to stop playing the shade game and work out the issue with the women (GG, 3G,TS, etc.) in his life to determine the best possible scenario for all concerned.

Mind you, I am a pessimistic, fatalistic, heart-broken hermit that can't see any good coming of =any= relationship, so take this last bit with a grain and make up your own mind: If I were you, I'd start apartment hunting.

[Fox]

i joke around alot on here ,so ill be serious on this one...if im dating someone then that is it....she has my attention and nobody else...im not open to let a 3rd party in my life...if a girl wants to be open then we are just fucking and nuthing else...lets keep booty calls , just that..

Quoted For Truth

[Ecstatic]

Sadly, in all likelihood this will not end well for you.

A married man, particularly a married man who professes to
love his wife, will not leave her for you.

Further all of this sneaking and creeping is doing a number on
your self esteem and emotional state.

As painful as it may be, there is only one solution to this problem - leave.

As regards your situation, Sarah, I agree with Peggy: it won't end well. However, as she so succinctly lays it out, the least painful way to end it--for all involved--is for you to leave the situation. B1's friends with benefits idea is appealing, but in this situation, I think only cold turkey will suffice. There has to be honesty and trust between all partners, or there's trouble abrewin'.

Regarding my own preference, I voted for option 1. My situation is, in some ways, similar to yours, but also quite different. I have been married for over 25 years, and love my wife dearly. However, she is for the most part an asexual person: she simply has no interest in sex, and in fact it usually turns her off. I've known this since we met, and she and I (and a few close parties, such as her sister who we're both very close with, and her best friend, who is a psychiatrist) have been over the ground many times. I am a very sexual person, and moreover, bisexual, so even were she actively sexual, there would be something missing in my life. So like your guy and his wife, we have not been sexually active for some time. Yet we kiss and cuddle and do all sorts of things together and love being with one another. In any jurisdiction, this noncompatibility would be grounds for divorce, but I cannot see myself without my wife as my life partner. All that we have together completely eclipses the mere pleasures of sex. But I do love those pleasures, so....

Five years ago she and I talked it through and I discovered that she was absolutely happy for me to see other women: at the time, I was only interested in seeing tgirls, but she even suggested my seeing a GG (I haven't, as it turns out, though I have been with a post-op girl, and other than her personal history, in my mind that's the same thing). In fact, our relationship improved as any undercurrent of resentment on my part or guilt on hers (for not being the wife she's supposed to be) has completely vaporized. But fundamental to this state of affairs is honesty and trust: I've told her about my encounters (with escorts and friends), in as much detail as she wants (which actually isn't much as she doesn't want a lot of detail, just the honesty). She has even met several of my TG friends, including my number one escort friend over dinner 2 or 3 times (they get along just fine, fwiw).

Incidentally, I have not fallen in love with anyone else in nearly 25 years; it did happen once, and I was faced with the dilemna of either sacrificing my marriage for this other woman (GG), or letting her go. There really was no contest in my mind; it hurt to let the other woman go, but she was the other woman--someone who, were I single, could have been a life partner, but no one can challenge that commitment to my wife.

[Aragon21]

Excellent question! One category not included is Exclusive & Swinging.

I chose Couple & Exclusive as that is my "preference," but I would not reject the option of "Exclusive & Swinging" while in a LTR, yet I would likely reject the other choices.

To clarify on "Exclusive & Swinging," this requires a communicated acceptance of times and appropriateness. I believe Ecstatic has on numerous times explained this and kudos to him and his wife.

A past and present example for myself:
In 1995, I went to Isreal for 2 mths for an archeological dig while staying on a kibbutz. I had every intention to enjoy the hell out of myself with every exotic girl I could find. What I found was a sweet girl from MN that was there for the same dig.
During the 2 mths we were together, we discussed the idea of swinging with another couple (of course this was very early on seen by both of us as a Summer fling so the relationship parameters were slightly different.) Well, I took this as the go-ahead and started talking to this guy from South Africa about he and I swapping for one night.
This was unacceptaple for appropriateness because I was talking to the guy without talking to my girl to see if she was interested in him. (Hell I knew I was interested in his girl and he in mine.) Needless to say she was not amused nor interested. Had I used a different approach...well who knows.

Presently, I am very attracted to a new girl! This being the initial stages of getting to know one another, I find it highly inappropriate to discuss this topic with her at this time.
Yes she is a TG. In all the things I have seen about her she is straight. But what that means exactly to her, I don't know. Of her past experiences, I only know of men.
All this said, I would like to work towards an exclusive relationship as my personal preference. But even without much time invested thus far, I am open to explore her desires.

Who knows were I or any potential partner will draw the line. I would say that if I were in SarahG's position:
it has been expressed that I must just sit in my room- out of sight, silent- and deal with being excluded.That is beyond my acceptable line.

If a find myself in a relationship where my partner wants to bring home a new "toy" every weekend--No Thank You!
If she has a curiousity or wishes to experiment--I could deal with that.

But again my "preference" is an exclusive couple, but it is something I could compromise on with effective communication. To paraphrase Ms. Sinatra, "These lips were made for talking, and that's just what I'll do."

Any relationship requires effective communication, both listening to your partner's desires and expressing your own. IMO, most relationships that fail did so because one or both of the participants found they could not accept something in their partner or themself that was the "line" they could not cross or could not continue crossing, and more often then not, it is not about sex.

[Ecstatic]

To clarify on "Exclusive & Swinging," this requires a communicated acceptance of times and appropriateness. I believe Ecstatic has on numerous times explained this and kudos to him and his wife.
Thanks for the kudos, Aragon21, and my wife thanks you, too. To simplify my situation, it's more "Commited with Booty Calls" as we are totally commited to one another but open to booty calls. It's a balance: I get the occasional booty and she gets the Gilmore Girls and dark chocolate ice cream. :lol: (and she likes it like that!) 8)

[Aragon21]

To clarify on "Exclusive & Swinging," this requires a communicated acceptance of times and appropriateness. I believe Ecstatic has on numerous times explained this and kudos to him and his wife.
Thanks for the kudos, Aragon21, and my wife thanks you, too. To simplify my situation, it's more "Commited with Booty Calls" as we are totally commited to one another but open to booty calls. It's a balance: I get the occasional booty and she gets the Gilmore Girls and dark chocolate ice cream. :lol: (and she likes it like that!) 8)

You have also expressed the relationships you share with your lady friends.

And I realize I am presuming, but I imagine you and the wife have communicated the level of acceptable "Booty Calls." That is to say every nightl, two times a week, or some level that has been discussed either you or she would find it inappropriate and disrespectful for you to exceed.

[SarahG]

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[strawberry]

Your situation, however, has certain levels of toxicity to it. I'm not saying this to scold or judge you, just to point out my view of your reality.
^^ co-sign

I voted for monogamy for me. I think poly is cool in theory but it takes way more responsibility, emotional work, and openness to make it work because there are so many ways for any person to shrink from seeing and owning their emotions and following that up with ethical treatment of everyone around them. I know I'm not mature enough to handle it... plus, honestly, I like the idea of being in a relationship where I'd be jealous of him and he'd be jealous of me except our relationship is strong enough that the lack of trust necessary to jealousy doesn't exist. Passion and trust... it sounds like a pretty great deal to me, and monogamy is the simplest possible set up where that can happen :-)

I've read The Ethical Slut (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ethical_Slut) and have seen poly arrangements basically making it work... and, Sarah, your situation sounds pretty far from the theoretical ideal.

The husband here sounds like a weasel to me. What he's doing to his wife is pretty bad. What's he's doing to you is even worse (and him telling the truth isn't the issue - it's him not protecting you from emotional harm that's the problem - like you're a safe dumping ground for the truth and should just be watching out for yourself now that he's "been honest" - he's ignoring lots including that you're in his wife's home in part out of financial desperation rather than choice - it's not *your* home until you can throw his shit out on the street the day he stops treating you right and then run an ad on CL for housemates).

Personally, I'd pull the rip cord on the whole situation. I'd set up alternative living arrangements so I wasn't under their thumb... then I'd tell the wife what was up to her face (apologizing for my part in the lies and honestly wishing her the best), and then I'd leave and never look back... even if they apologize and ask for you back. (Total ego boost if they do, but don't bite :-P) The character of this couple (a weasel husband and a transphobic wife) is revealed by what they're putting you through and you deserve better.

Like the best thing would be to get out with your dignity and a lesson learned. But the thing that kills this plan is that you say you can't afford to live alone :-(

This one of those things my mom taught me when she realized she had a daughter and not a son... your dignity in relationships ultimately requires that you have "the power to leave" and that always requires money. They can have an orgy in front of you and if you can't walk out... then you grit your teeth and let that piece of your soul wither a little more.

Practical advice: You're a student? Go to student services on campus and talk to the ombuds office (its the "office that exists to give people advice on manipulating the school bureacracy" they exist to help special cases), lay out your story (trans, parents who don't support you, emotional disaster where you're living - tell them it's disrupting your studies) and ask them to help you find a solution. A super cheap or free dorm room maybe? Or emergency scholarships or loans? Hopefully their jaw will drop over your pluck and courage and they'll hook you up and two months from now you'll just be looking back on this as fodder for stories.

[SarahG]

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[Ecstatic]

You have also expressed the relationships you share with your lady friends.

And I realize I am presuming, but I imagine you and the wife have communicated the level of acceptable "Booty Calls." That is to say every nightl, two times a week, or some level that has been discussed either you or she would find it inappropriate and disrespectful for you to exceed.
In all seriousness, my need for booty calls is significantly less than any threshhold of acceptibility on her part; it averages out to about once a month, though that's sometimes 2x or 3x a month then 1 or 2 months with none. The only concern she has is that I play safe: so long as I don't take stupid risks and end up with an STD or HIV, she's fine. Oh, and so long as I don't break the bank visiting escorts, but that's a non-issue due to the frequency of my play-for-pay encounters.

Now falling in love with another woman would be another matter, but I already addressed that question. There are a few girls who I love as friends and would do most anything for, but that's the same as any really close friend. Were I single, I might fall for one of them (those who know me well know who I mean), but my heart's already given to my wife, and it would be unrequited anyway since the feeling wouldn't be reciprocal (she is a good friend, but that's all). Besides, she's at least 20 years too young for me. ;)

For full disclosure, I'll add that my wife has had some health issues in recent years, particularly with bad knees (she had knee -- patella replacement -- surgery last month and will have the other knee done next year), and with a mild case of fibromyalgia, so she really doesn't feel motivated for sex at all, and I don't want to burden her with my needs. So for us, this works, and we're very happy with the situation. It won't work for all, and maybe only for a few, as all relationships are unique. I'm monogamous in the sense that my wife comes first, and I will in an instant "forsake all others" for her, no question. But I'm extremely fortunate in that I don't have to do so, and if she were so motivated, neither would she. I don't equate sex with love, though certainly the one accentuates the other.

[purplesmile]

reading this thread, is touching. Many different people sharing their thoughts and feelings, obviously taking some "serious" time to consider their responses to your situation, and share what works and doesn't work for them. People are looking out for you Sarah..

what Im about to say is very similar to previous posts, but it is important enough to take the time to post..

The husband has kept your more intimate relationship hidden from his wife. Whatever the reasons he has for being dishonest with her, and himself, he's telling a lie.

And the message this gives your esteem.. not what you think you should feel.. but the sense of "me" feeling good about me and my life.. is getting shat on, from a great height.

Stop supporting him in this lie, it ain't good for you.

You are worth more than this. FULL STOP.

[dreamer]

dude ---relationship??? ---a;; I want is a friend --a lover friend ----of course it takes time to learn ab out one another -----just be comfortable with me ---I am flexible ---I will be comfortable withn you ----of course there's a time of recon

[dreamer]

maybe if I wasn'tr drunk ---we culd be lovers

[SarahG]

maybe if I wasn'tr drunk ---we culd be lovers

Do you often post while drunk?

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

i joke around alot on here ,so ill be serious on this one...if im dating someone then that is it....she has my attention and nobody else...im not open to let a 3rd party in my life...if a girl wants to be open then we are just fucking and nuthing else...lets keep booty calls , just that..

Co-sign. ;)

Im not a big fan of open relationships, 3some nor orgies. To me, a relationship has to be built upon two people who shares common interest, respect, trust, liking and love for eachother. Bringing a 3rd, 4th and so on person into the relationships changes the whole dynamic of a relationship.

Being in a relationship when either parties arent ready to be commited/devoted and monogamous with eachother is just wrong IMO. Sorry but I have a more traditional view about relationships (The one's Im going to be in anyways). ;)

~Kisses.

HTG

[strawberry]

The character of this couple (a weasel husband and a transphobic wife) is revealed by what they're putting you through and you deserve better.
She isn't transphobic, she just isn't attracted to people with dicks, kinda like how some people aren't attracted to say, people of other races/ethnic backgrounds etc while not being racist. Everyone has different sexual attraction preferences, turn ons, turn offs etc. If she brings one of her GG friends home for a threesome, she would have no idea that it would be an issue for me... and her husband isn't about to tell her out of concerns that it would 'reveal too much information'- that and he wants to be intimate with his wife again and him turning down that kind of possibility will never ever happen.
I don't want to get into a tangent like this in this thread. It's your thread and it's not my place to say too much...

My new vote: just stop boinking him for now. Find someone else if you can, and be celibate if you can't. If he really wants to be with you, just say you're sick of the lies and you're not into it until he and his wife and you sit down and everyone knows everything (and his wife knows what he's put you through).

[BlackAdder]

Thats one of the most fucked up relationships ive ever heard of....I shudder to contemplate the thought processes that made you want to get involved in it.

[BeardedOne]

maybe if I wasn'tr drunk ---we culd be lovers

Do you often post while drunk?

Heh. Seems to be a requirement for some. :? I often do, but usually stop before I start using character replacement linguistics (ie: a;; = all).

It looks like the general concensus is that you at least take a step back from the intimacy until the issues between him and his wife have either been resolved or more clearly defined. Key to the issue is that eventually she needs to be on the same page as regards to what's going on between you and her husband. Otherwise, it's just going to be a lot of intrigue snowballing downhill until a very big, and inevitable crash occurs.

Right now, you seem to be the only injured party in this scenario and repeated dives in front of the big bus of life is inneffective first aid.

[LTR_Seeker]

Im strictly for 1on 1 only bf gf relatiosnhip to not share her with anyone or me be with any woman i want to enjoy her throughly exclusively mind body n soul.