DIRRTY Jokes thread

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

The next poster post their best Dirrty funny jokes.

Ill start.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
They're right, we do taste like chicken!

What do you call a politician that has just lost an election?
A consultant.

What's flat and pink and smells of pussy?
Stick your toungue out...

What's black and red and sits in a tree?
A crow with an erection.

How do you fuck a really fat chick?
Thow in a hand full of flour and then go for the wet spot.

Lmao! :lol:

Who's next?

~Kisses.

HTG

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

THIS IS A SICK DISGUSTING JOKE TOLD TO ME BY AND OLD FRIEND, DON'T READ IT.


a guy walks into a brothel and says to the madam, "ill have 3 of your finest ladies, send them up one after the other."

the madam says " room 2 upstairs 1st door on your right."

the man walks up the stairs and into the room, a few mins later the 1st girl walks in looks at him screams and runs away.

a few mins past and the 2nd girl goes in looks at him screams and runs out the room.

a few more mins past and the 3rd girl goes in, same thing screams and runs out.

the guy puts his cloths back on, goes downstairs and speaks to the madam.

"hay those 3 girls didn't do anything, they just screamed and ran, what the hell kind of service is this" the guy says.

"what were you doing the madam" says.

"nothing just eating the complementary tomatoes" he replies.

"what tomatoes" the madam says

"the ones on the window sill" he says.

the madam replies "sir those weren't tomatoes, they were last weeks abortions.

Lmao! :lol: :lol: MORE JOKES..

How do you make a woman scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass, and then wipe your dick on her curtains.

How do you keep the stork from visiting your house?
Shoot it in the air.

Why do tampons have strings?
So crabs can go bungie jumping.

What's the difference between a pub and a clitoris?
You can find a pub.

What is the definition of a blonde?
A redhead with the fire fucked out of her.

:lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[apocarm]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


And not to discriminate,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE IMPAIRED."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of ******-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE ."

[wombat33]

The next poster post their best Dirrty funny jokes.

Ill start.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
They're right, we do taste like chicken!

What do you call a politician that has just lost an election?
A consultant.

What's flat and pink and smells of pussy?
Stick your toungue out...

What's black and red and sits in a tree?
A crow with an erection.

How do you fuck a really fat chick?
Thow in a hand full of flour and then go for the wet spot.

Lmao! :lol:

Who's next?

~Kisses.

HTG


A guy has been trying to get laid all week by his wife but every night she tells him she has a headache and rolls over.

After a week of this he tries it again and she gives him the same old routine.

Pissed of he say's " Look, I am sick of this shit, I am a man, your husband, and if you don't start giving me what I need I will take back my end of the bargain and get rid of the cars, the credit cards, the jewelry, and see how you like it."

"If you don't shape up you will be sorry" he ads.


He storms off and sleeps on the sofa.

The next day the woman takes him seriously. SHe goes out and buys a killer lingerie outfit, with sheer material, lace, and a crotchless panties. SHe lights candles, turns on the soft music and prepares a nice dinner. SHe hear's him pull up in the driveway and sits in a chair with her legs spread open.

He walks is and she says "Hey big boy, you want some of this"?

to that he responds "Hell no, look at what it did to your panties" !!!!!!

[wombat33]

The next poster post their best Dirrty funny jokes.

Ill start.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
They're right, we do taste like chicken!

What do you call a politician that has just lost an election?
A consultant.

What's flat and pink and smells of pussy?
Stick your toungue out...

What's black and red and sits in a tree?
A crow with an erection.

How do you fuck a really fat chick?
Thow in a hand full of flour and then go for the wet spot.

Lmao! :lol:

Who's next?

~Kisses.

HTG

Two guys have the same wedding anniversary, one rich and one middle class.

The rich guys says "I am getting my wife a Mercedes and a diamond ring".

Why two gifts the poor guy asks.?

"Well if she does not like the ring, she can drive the mercedes to return the ring," and he chuckles in a cocky manner.

How about you the rich guy asks.

"I am getting mine a pair of slippers and a 12 inch dildo".

"Why the two gifts" the rich guy asks

"Well I figute if she does not like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

LMAO!

HERE'S MORE:

THE ITALIAN MOTHER

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over three women, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

Reluctantly, his mother agrees.
So the next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, introduces them, and then settles them on the couch, after which they all chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
Without hesitation, she replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma!! You're right!!!! How could you possibly know?"

The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."

LOL :lol: That was funny!

~KIsses.

HTG

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

Bullfrogs & Blowjobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

:lol: :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[wombat33]

Bullfrogs & Blowjobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

:lol: :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG


OOOHHH LOL

WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Avenged01]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

:lol: Hahaha Good one Avenged01! :lol:

http://www.bassfiles.net/image5.jpg

:lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[Avenged01]

Your bullfrog one is definately the funniest so far.
Good job i put my cup of tea down before I read that one!!

[wombat33]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

lol.

GOOD ONE!

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

I got another one for ya. ;)

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children.


Dr. Phil: "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."


He turned to the second mom:


"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."


He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."


At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand, and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

:lol: LOL.

~Kisses.

HTG

[Avenged01]

HAHHAHAAH!!

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

"Reality"

Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

Hahaha..:lol:

Thanks to my guy friend in MN who forwarded this to me.

~Kisses.

HTG

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

"Mafia Don"

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chroma plated 38 Revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man."

"Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, 'Times Up?'"


Lmao! :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[Avenged01]

:)

[Avenged01]

This one isnt dirty but it made me laugh so I thought id share anyway...

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

This one isnt dirty but it made me laugh so I thought id share anyway...

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

OMG! I spit my cappuccino all over my kewboard! Grrr :lol: :lol:

Ok Avenged01..Here's another:

Brooklyn Tony

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is ' the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH

Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllabl e word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

Brooklyn To ny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, " You're an eight , but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' "

Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER


Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench acro ss from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business

ROFL! :lol: Just hilarious! LOL

~Kisses,

HTG

[Avenged01]

hahah, they were great!
Thanks for making me smile on a sunday night!

[Avenged01]

one more joke before I retire to bed and watch family guy :)

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[muhmuh]

When i was 14 I wanted to have a girlfriend.

When i was 16 I finally found one but she wasnt passionate enough so i desperately wanted to have a passionate gf.

When I was 18 I dated a passionate girl but she was a drama queen. Everything was terrible for her, she cried all the time and even thretened to kill herself.
I figured what I really wanted was a confident woman.

When I was 20 i met a confident woman but she turned out to be boring. She was predictable and nothing could turn her on.
Life got so boring, I decided to go after exciting women.

At 22 I met an exciting woman but i couldnt keep up with her. Her interests changed all the time, she was impulsive and argued with everybody. It was amusing at first but i soon figured out that we didnt have a future. From then on i searched for a woman with determination.

I found her when i was 24. Intelligent dtermined and down to earth. She was a co-worker of mine. Didnt take her long to have sex with my boss and take my job.

Im 34 now, old and wise and Im looking for a woman with huge tits.

[Minutemouse9]

Irish Joke

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get
me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[Somedude21]

Oh! Oh! I got one!


Hi, my name is Dick Tracey.

At 7:45 PM, I arrived on her doorstep. She invited me in. I eagerly accepted. She invited me to a party she was going to. I eagerly accepted.

We arrived at the party. Everyone was feeling 'merry', but 'Mary' got mad and left. The cook comes out and tells us what we are going to have to eat. We all jump for joy, but Joy was to quick. My date tells me she is a little bored with the party so we decide to leave.

Back at the car, we notice a flat. She pumps, I pump, she pumps, I pump. Then we fix the flat.

We decide to go for a malt. At the Malt Shoppe, she sucks, I suck, she sucks, I suck. Then we drink the malt.

At 9:45 PM we arrive back on her doorstep. She invites me in. I eagerly accept. I am examining her naturally curly hair when she closes her legs and breaks my glasses.

Suddenly a rock come hurtling thru the window, hitting her in the left breast, concequently breaking 3 of my fingers.

We decide to play a quick game of push you, pull me. I push, she pulls, I push, she pulls. SNAP! She pulled to hard.

I am now known as..

The Dickless Tracey.

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

hahah, they were great!
Thanks for making me smile on a sunday night!

You're welcome Avenger01. Thanks for sharing yours! :wink:

~Kisses.

HTG

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

When i was 14 I wanted to have a girlfriend.

When i was 16 I finally found one but she wasnt passionate enough so i desperately wanted to have a passionate gf.

When I was 18 I dated a passionate girl but she was a drama queen. Everything was terrible for her, she cried all the time and even thretened to kill herself.
I figured what I really wanted was a confident woman.

When I was 20 i met a confident woman but she turned out to be boring. She was predictable and nothing could turn her on.
Life got so boring, I decided to go after exciting women.

At 22 I met an exciting woman but i couldnt keep up with her. Her interests changed all the time, she was impulsive and argued with everybody. It was amusing at first but i soon figured out that we didnt have a future. From then on i searched for a woman with determination.

I found her when i was 24. Intelligent dtermined and down to earth. She was a co-worker of mine. Didnt take her long to have sex with my boss and take my job.

Im 34 now, old and wise and Im looking for a woman with huge tits.

LOL :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[muhmuh]

LOL :lol:

~Kisses.

yay someone liked it... at least it was worth taking the time to actually translate that bugger as i couldnt find it in english anywhere ^^

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

What? :lol: It was funny to me muhmuh. LOL

Here's another one:

Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?" he asks
"I can't see my ass coming into work today

LMFAO! :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[ezed]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80), but asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

[ezed]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman. In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

[ezed]

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks, "What are you 2 fella’s lookin for?”
Both old men say, " Women."
She then asks, "How old are you two gentlemen "
They both say, " We’re 90 years old"
So the madam tells one of the girls to take the 2 old men upstairs and put each one of them in a room with a blow-up doll. So the girl brings both old men upstairs and puts each one in a room with a blow up doll to do their thing. When the 2 old men come back downstairs, the first old man asks the other, "How was it for you? "
The other one says, "I think she was dead, she just laid there. How was yours?"
"I think mine was a Witch."
"A Witch ?"
"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she then farted really loud and then flew out the window."

[muhmuh]

i guess this somewhat qualifies as fit for this thread (taken from top gear)

this is the new hot hatch from renault the clio r27:
http://www.250kb.de/u/070219/j/45e3420d.jpg
this is the official photograph from renault

the blokes around it are the renault f1 drivers for 2007

now the blond one on the right... the new one... he really likes this car... hes very excited by it
hes very very excited
http://www.250kb.de/u/070219/j/26126642.jpg

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman. In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

:lol: Hahaha..

~Kisses.

HTG

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80), but asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

Lmao! :lol: :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

Little Red Ridinghood and the Big Bad Wolf

The Big Bad Wolf: "Sick ma dick Ho' "

Little Red Ridinghood: "Nigga dont change the story, EAT ME!"

LOL :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[ezed]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good''
and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

[ezed]

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut"
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good''
and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

Pretty funny ezed! :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[InHouston]

A guy walks in to the doctor's office and request to see the doctor. The nurse asks "What is the problem?" He said I'd rather tell the doc. So after waiting in the examination room, the doctor finally walks in and asks "Okay ... what is the problem sir." The patient replies, "My penis is orange." "Orange?" says the doctor. "Yes orange" says the patient. So the doctor asks him to drop his pants to have a look, and sure enough his penis is orange. "Is there a history of skin ailments in your family?" the doctor asks. "No." says the patient. "Any history of cancer or anything like that?" No." says the patient. "Is there anything unusual about your lifestyle that I need to know?" the doctor asks. The patient replies, "No not at all. I'm a pretty normal guy. I just sit around the house all day watching pornos and eating Cheetos."

[scorpion]

:lol: some real god ones.
A little boy was on a nudist colony whit his parents four the first time.
After a while he asked his mother: Why have some girls and womans small tits and others some real big ones.
Hes mother. Who have small tits tell him that: As bigger tits a woman have the more stupid she is.
Are it the same whit boys? the little boy asked.
Yes it the same whit boys she answer.
The boy was satisfied whit the answer and go four play..But after a while he come running back and scream to his mother.
MUMMY MUMMY DAD ARE STANDING AND TALKING TO A REAL STUPID WOMAN..AND GUESS WHAT HE IS ALSO BECOME MORE AND MORE STUPID.

[scorpion]

A bag man had come over some money and four them he went to the store and buy a bottle whisky a Jack daniells. He went back to his place in the park and drinking it up.
Some hour later a desperate and very horny gay went up. Found the bag man a sleep the desperate and very horny gay stoped and look at the sleeping bag man...Ah what in hell he was thinking and drug the pants of the bag man
and fucked him.
After he have done it he was thinking: maybee I should give him something beacause this wasnt so kind of mee..to fuck a sleeping person.
So he put a some money in the bag mans pocket and walk away.
Next morning the bag man wake up found the money went to the store and buy a new bottle Jack Daniells went back to the park and drink it up and felt asleep.
A hour later the desperate and very horny gay went up again and did the same thing as the earlier day.
This was going on four some days and when the bag man get into the store four the 5th time the shop assistant asked him.
A Jack Daniells as usualy sir?
The bag man answered: Hell no give mee some other whisky I must stop drinking jack Daniells beacause always the dayafter I have been drinkin it
I wake up whit a enourmous pain in my ass.

[biguy4tvtscd]

2 of 'em for ya's....


A teacher is standing at the front of a classroom, and she says, "Children, I'm going to call you up to the front one at a time, when you come up here, I want you to tell the class what job your daddy has, I want you to spell it, and then I want you to tell everyone what your daddy would give them if he were here." The teacher starts off by calling Mary.
Mary goes up to the front and says, "My daddy is a baker, B-A-K-E-R, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cupcake."
"Very good Mary", says the teacher, "Billy you're next"
Billy goes up to the front and says, "My daddy is a banker, B-A-N-K-E-R, and if he were here, he would give everyone a dollar."
Very good Billy", says the teacher, "Leroy, you're next"
Leroy goes up tot he front and says, "My daddy is an electrician, E-L-L... E-L-C... E-L-E-K..."
The teacher looks at him, and says "Leroy, go sit down at your desk, and think about how to spell the word, when you're ready come back up to the front." Then the teacher calls up Tony.
Tony goes up to the front and says, "My daddy is a bookie, B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here, he would give everyone 10 to 1 odds that Leroy ain't never gonna spell electrician."



A lady is walking down the street one day, when she passes a pet shop. Outside the pet shop, a parrot sits on a perch. As the lady walks by, the parrot suddenly says..."Oh wow, you are one ugly lady!" Lady, you're so ugly, you need a bag over your head. Holy cow I cannot believe just how ugly you are!!!"
The lady is shocked and appalled at what she hears, so she just lowers her head and walks away as fast as possible.
The next day, the lady is out walking again, and again she walks past the pet shop. Again, the parrot is outside on his perch, and when he sees the lady he once again starts..."Whoa!! Look at how ugly you are! You're the ugliest lady I've ever seen. How did your parents love you, you're so ugly!"
This time, the lady decides to confront the problem, so she marches into the store, calls the manager over, and rips into him about his parrot, and the extremely rude comments.
The lady leaves, and the manager grabs the parrot. Holding him tight, the manager says.."Listen bird, if you mouth off to anyone like that again, I'll pluck all your feathers, roast you up, and serve you to the cats!!!"
The next day, the lady is once again walking down the street. As she approaches the pet shop, she thinks to herself..."Well, let's see if that bird learned his lesson."
As she passes the pet shop, the bird is once again on his perch. As the lady passes, the bird looks at her and says with a wink..."Hey Lady, you know!"

[Dengoza]

What do you call a Lesbian dinasaur?

A lickalottapuss

[curiousdemise]

....

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

What does an old ladies pussy taste like?... Depends.

LOL :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[iloveshemales77]

This is an actual conversation I overheard a long time ago at work. It's crude and rude and also very funny. (I think)

First guy to his colleague: "Have you seen that new red head in accounts? Man, she is fucking gorgeous!
His colleague: "Yea I have, I wonder if her pussy hair is red aswell?"
First guy: "Don't know dude, but I'll tell you one thing: After I'm done with her, it will be!"

[InHouston]

A white horse fell in a mud puddle.

[InHouston]

A guy is riding in a cab driven by a hot Cathlic nun. He says "Sister, I've always wanted to get a blow job by a nun." She says "That's okay my son. I have only two requirements. You have to be Catholic, and you can't be married." He says, "Well I'm Catholic, and just happen to be very single." So she pulls over, gives him a blow job, and then they resume their trip to his destination. Feeling guilty the passenger confesses, "Sister ... that was great but I must admit. I'm not Catholic and also I'm sorry to say that I am in fact married with four children." The cab driver says "Oh that's okay, I'm not really a Catholic nun. My name is Tim and I'm on my way to a costume party."

[InHouston]

What did the two condoms say as they passed a gay bar? "Let's go in there and get shit-faced."

What did the blind man say as he walked by a fish stand? "Hello Ladies!"

[InHouston]

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear looks down to the rabbit and asks, "Mr. Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The Rabbit replies, "Why no Mr. Bear." The bear says "That's great!", picks up the rabbit, wipes his ass with him, and tosses the rabbit aside.

[InHouston]

Father O’Malley

An Irish Catholic priest by the name of Father O’Malley is approached by a few other priests in the church and asks “Father O’Malley, would you like to go to a bar with us and have some drinks?” Father O’Malley replies, “I can’t, because I’m taking confessions.” The other priests suggest that he find someone else to cover for him at the confessional booth. He agrees, and trolls the church looking for a suitable temporary replacement. He finds Hal the Janitor and asks him to take confessions for him. Hal the Janitor admonishes to Father O’Malley “I don’t know anything about taking confessions.” Father O’Malley replies, “Oh it’s easy. The parishioner sits down in the confessional booth, confesses his or her sins, and you read off the penance from a list tacked to the inside of the booth.” Hal says “Sure I’ll do it.” So Father O’Malley takes off to the bar to attend to his important church business with the other priests.
Hal the Janitor takes on his first parishioner in the booth as the parishioner says “Bless me father for I’ve sinned. I committed adultery.” Hal the Janitor looks on the list for the penance for adultery, and finds it right under the A’s. He says “Okay that will be 50 Hail Mary’s and 50 Our Fathers.” The next parishioner sits down and says “Bless me father I’ve sinned. I committed thievery today.” Hal the Janitor looks on the list and quickly finds the penance for thievery in the T’s. Hal the Janitor says, “That will be 10 Hail Mary’s and 15 Our Fathers.” The next parishioner sits down and confesses, “Bless me father for I’ve sinned. I butt-fucked a guy and gave him a blowjob.” Well, Hal the Janitor cannot find ‘butt-fuck’ or ‘blow job’ on the penance list. So he says “Wait right here, I’ll be right back.” He looks around the church for some help and finds an altar boy. Hal asks the altar boy, “Excuse me, I’m taking confessions for Father O’Malley. What does he usually give for a butt-fuck and blow job?” The altar boy replies, “He usually gives me a candy bar and a coke.”

[jiggly]

What did the two condoms say as they passed a gay bar? "Let's go in there and get shit-faced."

That cracked me up.


Here are some old ones that im sure you have all heard before, but what the hell.

Why do gay guys wear ribbed condoms?

for traction in the mud

Whats the difference between a fridge and a gay guy
A fridge doesnt fart when you pull the meat out.


2 guys are sitting at the bar sharing their horror stories from their previous night of drinking. The first guy starts telling the bartender how he nearly killed him self as he was driving home. "Im taking a cab home tonight! last night i crashed in to a tree and smashed through the winshield. I was in the hospital for 3 hours". The second guy only half listening and already drunk exclaims "thats nothing!, last night i went home and blew chunks"
The bartender looks at him and says "big deal"
Hanging his head in shame, "Chunks is my dog"


:roll:

[BeardedOne]

He looks around the church for some help and finds an altar boy. Hal asks the altar boy, “Excuse me, I’m taking confessions for Father O’Malley. What does he usually give for a butt-fuck and blow job?” The altar boy replies, “He usually gives me a candy bar and a coke.”

Ow! :o

Oy'm royting thet wun doon. :lol:

[sucka4chix]

A couple of Redd Foxx classics:

what's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peepin' Tom?
A pick-pocket snatches watches...

A man and a lady get on an elevator. The man kinkily looks at the woman and asks " Can I smell your feet?" "No!" the woman angrily retorted.
"Well, it must be your pussy then!!!"


A man buys a skunk and takes it home to keep as a pet. He informs his wife, and she asks "Where are you gonna keep a skunk?" "Under the bed", the man answers. His wife continues her questioning--- "What about the smell?"
"Oh, he'll get used to it just like I did!"

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

A hooker asked a surgeon to make another hole in her ass. The surgeon ask "WHY" She replies "Business is good, So I'm opening up a new location."

LOL :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[Marinus]

A young boy comes downstairs and sits next to his father watching TV on the couch. The father notices the boy has a huge grin on his face. He asks, "Son, whats with the huge smile?" The boy says, "Well, Dad. Last night I experienced my first blowjob!" "That's great!" says the father, "Tell me all about it!" So the boy starts telling him,"Ok, so there I was. I was on my knees, and I had this dick in my mouth..."

[Marinus]

http://img77.imageshack.us/img77/4365/striphandlermf7.gif

[Marinus]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young Brown Hair lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered. "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming......that was me."

[voy4her]

A man has been having some intestinal problems, and finally his wife insists he see a doctor. After examining him the doctor gives him some tablets.
"take two of these in your back passage every day," says the doctor. "if that doesnt take care of it, come back and see me in a week."

A week passes and sure enough he still has the problem so he goes to see the doc again.

"Did you take the tablets as i told you?" asked the doctor

"Well doc, we don't have a back passage, so i took em in the kitchen, but for all the good its done me i might as well have shoved them up my ass"

[voy4her]

This one isnt dirty but it made me laugh so I thought id share anyway...

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

OMG! I spit my cappuccino all over my kewboard! Grrr :lol: :lol:

Ok Avenged01..Here's another:

Brooklyn Tony

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is ' the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

Brooklyn Tony ON MATH

Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH

Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllabl e word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR

Brooklyn To ny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, " You're an eight , but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' "

Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER


Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench acro ss from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business

ROFL! :lol: Just hilarious! LOL

~Kisses,

HTG

ok ive got one for Brooklyn Tony..

The teacher asks her 1st grade class to use a sentence correctly using the word "definitely".

Brooklyn Tony's hand goes up right away, but the teacher desperately looks for someone else to call on.

Little Sarah's hand goes up
"yes Sarah?" says the teacher, thankfully.

"the sky is definitely blue" says Sarah

"well thats good, but what about night time, or when its overcast?"

little Danny puts his hand up
"yes Danny?" says the teacher hopefully.

"The grass is definitely green" he says.

"well thats good Danny, but sometimes grass can turn brown or yellow."

No more hands go up so she calls on Tony.
"yes Tony" she says.

"Do farts have lumps in em?" he asks

"Uhm no, Tony." the teacher replies.

"then I've definitely shit myself."

[voy4her]

A business man traveling through rural country stops at an inn famous for its strong beer and sausages.
While putting down a few beers he orders a plate of the special sausages, and the landlady informs him how proud they are of these sausages and their reputation.
Unfortunately the beers are starting to make him woozy, and when the sausages come, he can only eat one of them. Slurring his excuses he barely manages to stagger to his room before collapsing on the bed and passing out.
A horny gay guy sitting at the bar notices him swaying up the stairs and follows him about 10 mins later. Sure enough the door is unlocked and he goes in and ass pounds the unconscious traveler .

Upon reaching his destination the next day, his colleagues ask him how he enjoyed the Inn.

"well," he said, "It was good, but id be careful about ordering the sausages. If you don't finish them all they come into your room at night when youre sleeping and shove them up your ass"

[Marinus]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go, Dave.”

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

“Dave… Dave… Dave, you sick bastard. You’re a vet.”

[Marinus]

A warning for you or any of your friends who may be regular customers at Walmart, we here at F&J like to look out for our readers. Over the last month or so I became the victim of a clever scam while out shopping, which has be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think that it couldn’t happen to you! Here’s how the scam works.

Two seriously good looking 21 year old girls come over to your car as you’re loading stuff into your trunk. They both start washing your windshield with a rag while their cleavage is practically falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It’s impossible not to look.

When you thank them or offer a tip, they say no and instead ask you for a lift to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and gives you a blowjob, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on the 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th of last month and the 2nd of this month, 4th, three times on the 5th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again today.

[Tomfurbs]

A blue-rinsed old biddy shuffles into a sex-shop one fine spring morning, and, her knees and elbows a-quivering with old age, asks the spotty youth behind the counter:

'Do you stock those 9 inch vibrating dildoes by any chance?'

to which the pimply fellow replies:

'Why yes ma'am. Indeed we do.'

'Good!' cries the old lassy, barely able to keep ahold of her walking stick, 'Can you show my how to turn the bloody thing off!?!?!?'

[Marinus]

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo". A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates", he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in awhile I like to play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!"

[alphanumeric]

how do you get an old lady to swear?

Yell "Bingo!"

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

LOL

Here's another one:

A couple just finished having sex..
So while they were laying naked in bed
the woman kept caressing/stroking her partner's penis.
The man asked "Do you want it again"?
The woman replied "No. I was just lovingly adoring it..
I used to have one"!

LOL :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[Dino Velvet]

How do you fuck a really fat chick?

Flip through the folds until you smell shit then go back one.

[Jericho]

An Irish farmer walking through his field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

Sensing danger, The farmer shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowshit.)

The man shouts back "I'm Here with the "Sun" Newspaper, covering the foot and mouth story, you'll have to speak English, I don't understand your stupid language".

So the Farmer shouts back "My mistake, lad, forgive me. I said "Use both hands, you'll get more in."




One day a travelling salesman was driving around rural The Outback and decided to stay the night in a farmhouse.

After enjoying a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turned to him and said, "What is it like for hiring a companion for the evening?"

"Well," replied the farmer, "I'm afraid there are not many women around these parts. But there's always Arthur........."

"Oh?" said the salesman, intrigued, "How much does he charge then?"
"It will cost you $100." replied the farmer.

The salesman thought for a minute then said, "That's a bit expensive!"
"Well," said the farmer, "the local magistrate takes out $40 because he doesn't approve of that sort of thing."

"Oh," answered the man, "so that's $40 for the magistrate and $60 for Arthur."

The farmer shook his head, "No, the local constable also takes $40 because he doesn't approve of that sort of thing!"

"Jesus," replied the salesman, "So the magistrate gets $40, the cop gets $40 that only leaves $20 for Arthur! Thats no way to make a living!"
The farmer shook his head again and said, "No - We pay Gareth and Dave $10 each to hold Arthur down. He doesn't approve of that sort of thing either!"

[RawNY]

A young man storms into a local pub one night and orders 5 shots and 5 beers.
The regulars sit and watch in amazment as he takes the first shot, then chugs the first beer. Wiping his mounth on his sleeve he proceeds to drink the next shot and beer and wipes his mouth on his sleeve.
He proceeds to do the same with the remaining three shots and beers.
Puzzled the bar tender approaches and asks him why he is drinking so much?
He responds that he was drinking because earlier that evening he had his first blow job.
Well, said the bar keep, that is cause for celebration. The next shot and beer are on the house!
No thanks, replied the young man, if the first five didnt get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

Why do women have two lips?

The first to bitch..

the second to say sorry with!

LOL :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[cockcraver]

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

A japanese girl was having sex with her boyfriend and accidentally farted. She said "Oh, me soo sorry, you make front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud!"

LMAO :lol:

Share yours!

~Kisses.

HTG

[cyclegod]

Q: What's worse than a women with silicon tits?

A: One that has a cardboard box

[StaggerLee]

Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?




A: Full.

[smoof]

a male and female whale were swimming off the coast of japan when they passed right under the same whaleing vessal that killed the males father 5 years befor. excited at the chance to exact revenge for his fathers death he says "lets swim right under it and expel air through our blow holes till we capsise that boat" the female agrees and after a wile they were able to sink the whaler, but there victory was short lived when they saw some of the sailors swiming to shore "lets gobble em up!" crys the male "NO WAY!" says the female "i agreed to the blow job, but there is no way i am swallowing seamen"

[rockit]

Maybe new for some
i know some of these are in bad taste, but they`re really funny


I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.



Whats pink, red and cant turn corners ?
A baby with a javelin through its head.

What goes swish, tha-DUMP, swish, tha-DUMP ?
A baby in a tumble dryer

What's the definition of a Redneck virgin ?
A girl that can out run her brothers

When is it time for bed in Michael Jackson's house ?
When the big hand is on top of the little hand


Gary Glitter is sitting in his living room surfing the Internet on his laptop. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through. Shes screams, "You fucking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom. Stunned, Gary flips off the computer and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?" Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a paedophile!" Gary responds, "Well isn't that a long word for a six year old?."

Q: What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables?
A: Getting their wheelchairs in the oven.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

Winston is a 5 year old Nigerian boy. Despite havings AIDS and only one leg, he has to pedal his bike 15 miles every day to get to school. His bike doesnt have tyres and the one working pedal is at the wrong side for him. Please send just £2.50 so you can recieve the video. Its funny as fuck!

Two pregnant Irish women are sitting, knitting baby's jumpers.
One says: "I hope mine's a boy, as I'm using blue wool."
The other says: "I hope mine's a spastic, as I've fucked up the sleeves."


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

[Hara_Juku Tgirl]

Who's The Boss

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

lol :lol:

~Kisses.

HTG

[rockit]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.