Relationship Help Needed. HIV Related!! Help! Please!

[ShuggieOtis]

I meet the girl of my dreams. Model fine girl, passable with a fulltime job that treats me like a king. Doesn't hang out in the clubs or run the streets. Wife material that I had planned on walking down the aisle with. Not on some play shit, I mean real deal marriage.

We went slow with the sex thing so that we could get to know one another. Trust was gained and after awhile we made that step and took it to a physical level. We were careful up until one time when we slipped up. I thought that she gave me something. I didn’t trip on her in any personal way, I felt like she just may have had something from her ex that she didn’t know she had. It turns out that it was a UTI.

I have had several test because of an illness, getting life insurance and starting a new job. She said she had been tested just before we meet. Still, I was afraid just off the fact that I hadn’t done the unprotected thing for a long time and felt like I dodged some bullets.

We go get tested and of course that fear sets in a little bit so we stopped having sex. I was a lot more afraid than she was but we refrained from all sex, even protected, until we got our results. So, still I’m scared and stressing her out a little bit so she goes in a day early to get her results and calls me and tells me that she has nothing, that she is disease free asking me if I have been with any one else. This was Jan. the 5th. Truthfully, I hadn’t been with anyone. I was happy as hell to have found her, I couldn’t see another woman 5 feet from my face.

Knowing that I hadn’t been with anyone else, I was in no hurry to get my results. I knew I hadn’t been with anyone else so I couldn’t have gotten anything.

We had sex on like the 11th and the 18th. We were supposed to hook up on the 25th but when I got there she tells me that she got a call on the 19th from the doctor saying that she was needed in the office on the 22nd, where they told her that she was positive. The way she tells it, when she got her results, the HIV results were not back at the time. That all they had were her STD results and that she needed to come back in the following week (she didn't). She never said anything about that to me. She had me thniking it was over and done. all was good.

OK, so I’m sitting there in shock and scared. I never even got my results, so I don’t know the deal with myself at the time. I wanted to comfort her but all I can do is think about how she said everything was clear and that she had me thinking that she had gotten back all of her results, with good results. I would have never agreed to go there sexually.

I trusted her.

I go to get my results and I’m scared and shook. They come back negative and the nurse can see how shook I am and we start talking. The nurse remembers seeing my girl because she couldn’t believe that she was a TS. The nurse tells me that she saw her on the 9th and that she was given her results at that time (she was unable to tell me what her results were). She looked up the records and the day that she said she got her results she was not seen.

I tell my girl all of this and she goes up there and tries to get the nurse fired but I wouldn’t tell her which one it was. She said that the manager will show me the records that prove that she was not lying.

To make a long short, we aren’t speaking now. I feel like there is a strong possibility that she knew weeks ago and didn’t tell me while still having sex with me. Even if she didn’t know her status until last week, I feel like she should have told me that she did not have her results for her HIV test. I wasn’t all that afraid of the other shit, I could get a shot to cure the clap. I mean she said over and over how they told her she didn’t have ANYTHING, that she was clear. I can’t swear on it but I am willing to put money on the fact that she specifically said she was HIV negative at the time. She made me think that she knew her status.

I don’t know how to feel. I care about the girl. I worry about what she is going through and I never thought that I would turn my back on someone in need but I feel like she lied to me and put me at a risk that I can’t just let go. I won’t know if I was infected until June or July. And even if I stay well, I feel like what she did was so wrong.

I don’t know what to do.

[suckseed]

This blows away my first post.

[JusticeIsBlind]

I think you're right in what you're doing. It's one thing to lie to someone, but to put someone's life at risk as a result of your lie? That is on a whole 'nother level!

[AllanahStarrNYC]

Sounds like a tough situation- one that I am not able to give advice on as I am not qualified. I think you both should seek proffesional counseling a part and perhaps together if you still care dor each other.

And you can definately get a test that will determine the HIV antibodies much sooner than six months- you can get a PCR/DNA HIV test.

Still, I think if you used condoms, and you were the top, and no one came in the side of you- your risks are far, far lower. If you did not, it does not automatically mean that you are HIV positive. There are many people who have had unprotected sex with an HIV positive person and have nor became positive.

SO I think at this point, you should not drive yourself crazy, seek some help, and look into getting the test mentioned in your area or contact AIM Healthcare in LA, where I am sure they can direct you.

Best of luck.

[arc angel]

Relax, you are ok . take a deep breath.
OK, now live your life like it was a spring day enjoy everyting around you . try to talk to her , tell you how you feel . dont rage just be honest get it out..
could be worse you could be kelly
(JOKE)

[suckseed]

yeah man, sorry for the levity there. don't forget that the incidence of catching the virus is not 1:1. More like 1:10,000.

[Marilyn]

To me this is another similar story Ive heard (read), I worked for an HIV clinic as STD/HIV Educator for 2 years, and Ive seen similar cases in which one is always more afraid than the other one to get tested. And since is a confidential test the only way you will know the real results of her test is by her showing it to you on paper, there is no way you will get that answer from the nurse or Dr, that would be a violation of human rights. Now, what you could've done, which is always the smartest way when you are trying to get in a serious relationship and start unprotected sex is to have the test done on the same date at the same place and time both of you and go back for the results on the same date and time as well and share your results with each other, I've seen it done many times..that is part of creating a strong bond. In the other hand, I ve seen cases in which if one of the two gets an "Undecided" test result, a western blood test should be administered to find out what excatly is wrong with the immune system, which means that when one of the two sees that on a result, usually freaks out and the first reaction, which we call "denial stage" is lie to her/his partner about the results until a second test result is obtained and some therapy is given in the mean time in case it is a positve result to teach the patient on how to assimilate this and how to be open about it to his/her partner. Saying all this to say that if for some reason she got an "undecided" result it is a normal reaction for her to keep it to herself until a final result is given, and in case it is a Positive result, it won't be the end of the world you know, there are many couples (including very close friends of mine) in which one is Positive and the other one has remained Negative in a 9yr relationship, so it is possible to have a "normal" life with an infected partner. It is just a matter of personal decision and how real the love is. Hope this helps you a bit to understand her reaction, however good luck with whatever decison u make!

[ShuggieOtis]

Damn, I was a pretty happy guy last week and now all of this.

I was determined that if her results came back positive that I would stay with her and work things out but the lie or even the possibilty of the lie is way too much to handle.

[johnie]

I wish you the best, HOWEVER, is she KNOWINGLY put you at risk, that is a criminal act (in NYS anyway). If she is in fact HIV+ and knows it full well, then she is 100% in the wrong and probably should be arrested so she can't do that to someone else...

[GroobySteven]

It's not the issue that she's HIV+ - it's the issue that she probably knew it, lied to you and put you in danger. For that, you need to move on and if your negative, which statistically is more probable, than think yourself lucky that you did encourage both of you to take the tests.
seanchai

[DeathFox]

If you really love her then stop being a wuss. Everyone dies, and its better to die beside someone you love.

[ShuggieOtis]

Thank you all for your help and advice.

For those with a relationship w/ a higher power, if you get time, pray for me.

Thanks again.

[suckseed]

Different slant on this topic - but I once had to pay for an abortion for a girl I'd been with for seven weeks. One of the girls that worked there was a friend of a friend, and while she couldn't divulge what my girl's records showed, she said that the clinic wouldn't perform an abortion that soon. More than likely, this girl was preggers when we met and set me up. It sucks not having any rights in a women's clinic. But i can see how a woman needs to have her privacy there.
This was back in the day when if she said she was on the pill, then I cheerfully left the condoms in the nightstand.
(switches to Homer voice...bareback sex....mmmmmm)
Shuggie (nice name) - you should get that fast-results test. You could be enormously relieved by the weekend. The mental torture is the worst thing right now.

[ShuggieOtis]

Yeah, I alreday have it scheduled. I wanna thank allanah for bringing that to my attention. The way the first place told me, I had no other option but to wait months.

[ballbreaker]

if she knew she basically could have handed you a death sentence . i hate hearing that people know what they have and dont tell the other person. good luck my friend

[Vicki Richter]

Seriously - get a PCR-DNA from AIM. You probably took the ELISA test which is not nearly as accurate in quickly detecting the anti-bodies. AIM does a test by mail thing. I highly recommend it.

http://www.aim-med.org/

I agree, the biggest issue is that she lied to you and then had sex with you. That's not right.

What does this girl do for a living?

[suckseed]

Shuggie - isn't it possible that your girl's telling you the truth? If that was true, what a shame for your relationship.

[Wanderer]

Did she top you or did you top her? Your risks are muc lower if you only topped her.

[Trans_Lover]

she lies, dump her

[yodajazz]

3/4 of the problems in the world are because of miscommunication. You said that she probably lied. But there is a possibility that she did not. Sometimes people do not hear things that they do not want to. Could she have heard that here were no positive results, and assumed the rest? Could the nurse have been mistaken about something? Was your gf actually told that the test was inconclusive, or what?

Thanks to Allanah and Vicki for bringing up the info about more accurate tests. But I question why your friend's results were to be in so quickly, whereas you had to wait 6 months? I have heard that people can get negative results but the HIV antibodies could show up months later. I was told that the only sure way was to wait six months before having unprotected sex. And your friend had a UTI, meaning that she probablly had sex less than six months before you met.

So if nothing else, I think you two should communicate. She apparently was lied to by the person that gave it to her.

It sound to me that your friend is a special person in that she is not working in the sex industry. That topic has been discussed here many times. She has to have some good qualities to maintain herself in the work world. Don't throw her away based upon a possible misunderstanding, even though it is a very serious one.

It you continue to talk and be emotionallyl supportive, she will tell you if she lied. You don't even have to press her about it. In the meanwhile. I'll say a prayer for you. I believe in my heart that you are not infected. Just don't take any chances.

[EdelweissFan]

GET MEDICAL TREATMENT NOW!!!

Putting aside the relationship issue, it is obvious that you are very worried about becoming HIV +.

I think the 6 months thing you are talking about is the strange fact that it can take a while for a person actually exposed to and infected with HIV to "sero-convert" -- that is, for testable anti-bodies to show up in the blood.

But in recent years, doctors have been exerimenting with preventative drug trials. In other words, there is some success with people clearly exposed in ways that should have infected them, taking the drug cocktails. Statistical evidence seems to show that taking the drugs for a few weeks prevents the virus from taking root in the immune system. It's the same principal as giving a pos mother in Africa those drugs during childbirth to prevent transmission to the baby.

In other words, even if the virus got into your blood stream, you can prevent yourself from getting HIV. Unfortunately, the window of opportunity is narrow, a few days or weeks at most, and it may have already passed.

You should discuss your exposure with a doctor and consider getting preventative treatment. I have heard that the drugs can be very debilitating, but it damn sure beats catching HIV.

[bigd321]

GET MEDICAL TREATMENT NOW!!!

Putting aside the relationship issue, it is obvious that you are very worried about becoming HIV +.

I think the 6 months thing you are talking about is the strange fact that it can take a while for a person actually exposed to and infected with HIV to "sero-convert" -- that is, for testable anti-bodies to show up in the blood.

But in recent years, doctors have been exerimenting with preventative drug trials. In other words, there is some success with people clearly exposed in ways that should have infected them, taking the drug cocktails. Statistical evidence seems to show that taking the drugs for a few weeks prevents the virus from taking root in the immune system. It's the same principal as giving a pos mother in Africa those drugs during childbirth to prevent transmission to the baby.

In other words, even if the virus got into your blood stream, you can prevent yourself from getting HIV. Unfortunately, the window of opportunity is narrow, a few days or weeks at most, and it may have already passed.

You should discuss your exposure with a doctor and consider getting preventative treatment. I have heard that the drugs can be very debilitating, but it damn sure beats catching HIV.



You're talking about a Post-exposure prophylaxis and I dont know hwy you're sying start treatment now because it's probably already too late for that. The best way to tell if you weren't infected within a week of risky sex is if you don't develop flu like symptoms. If that doesnt happen, relax a lil'. Still get tested regularly though. If you do develop a cold or flu a day or two or so after you have unprotected sex, it's not the end of the world. It could be a coincidence so still get tested regularly. Bottomline is be careful. Stop, think. Is your life worth a few hours (or minutes lol) of kicks which is just to lead up to that less than a second of orgasm experience? Put on a friggin' condom, cut your risk down atleast. That's my HIV/AIDS advice to all, take it as you will.

[ezed]

Damn, I was a pretty happy guy last week and now all of this.

I was determined that if her results came back positive that I would stay with her and work things out but the lie or even the possibilty of the lie is way too much to handle.

Fuck man, you cannot relate what you see and hear typing on a board. You saw her answers, you saw the nurse. Only you can decide what you should do. We weren't there. Even if you were William Shakespere you can't give us the nuance and the facial expresions. It's your call man and only yours. We don't know. We weren't there!

Throw it in the gutter and go buy another.

She wasn't worth it, dude. You still have your health. That more than makes up for it.

[DimitriWolfe]

Walk away and don't look back.